(Closed) Marriage License: Meltdown at the City Clerk

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Aww I know how you feel.  The name stuff has been the hardest decision in all of the wedding planning for me and I had a really similar experience to this.  I don’t really have a good way to deal with this because I haven’t found one yet either. 

We’re both going to have all four names (my last as a new middle for each of us) and after filing the paperwork, we still really haven’t told anybody.  He thinks some of his more traditional friends (and family!) are going to hassle him for changing his name in some way, and I know for a fact that msot of my friends thought I shouldn’t change my name at all, while most of my relatives assumed I was.  While the compromise worked really well for the two of us, we don’t live in a vaccuum and are going to hear it from other people.  So I understand about the judging, it really sucks ๐Ÿ™ 

I wish I had some advice on how to deal with it!  HUGS!

Post # 4
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

((HUGS))  I am so sorry this is stressing you out.  Above all, I want to give props to your FI for embracing your decision and intervening.  With what everyone else might think, take a deep breath and let all of that go… 

For a moment, I started freaking out because the return address on our invites indicates that me and FI live together (which we do).  A lot of people don’t know, so what will they think?!?  After a few deep breaths, I realized that this is my life and I am comfortable with my own decisions.  To me, living together was a good choice, so why feel bad about other people’s conceptions of wrong/right?  Same with you— people will think what they want to, but that doesn’t have to make you question the validity of your own choice.  And if someone says something, let them know that this is customary in your FI’s culture and he couldn’t be happier about this decision.  Period.  ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 5
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

You’re not the only one to melt down at the clerk’s office.  When we went for our license the clerk told us several stories about couples that made this decision (and even fought in front of her) about this.

Post # 7
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

wow you want to take his name good for you

 

I on the other hand am a bit sad about losing mine its like losing my identity a bit sad but my hubby to be is strictly traditional and I am too but its still a little sad

Post # 8
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I’m sorry you are having such a hard time with this. However, I’m going to encourage you to take his name, not because I think it’s wrong to go against tradition and not change it, or because I personally am judging in anyway. I simply feel that while you may be very attached to a name, it does NOT define who you are. You will always be you, and if you are very concerned about others judging is it worth it to go to all the trouble of keeping it? It may take time, but you’ll feel like you again in a new name too if you choose to take it.

Personally, I am sad to be losing my name. 1.) because I’m a writer and have sort of made something recognizable of it. People who read the local paper hear my name and know who I am … it’s kind of nice. And 2.) because my dad had two daughters and I’m the last besides him and my stepmom to carry the name. The only thing about that is, even if I were to keep it the name would still die with me, as our future kids would have FI’s last name. As for the rest, the benefits of gaining the name of a man I love and respect so much far outweigh the drawback of losing some small recognition in the community.

Like you said, silly as it may sound, I don’t want to ever walk into a hospital or have my FI walk in and have any problem seeing eachother. I don’t want kids parents to be confused or anyone to ever question my love for my husband because I kept my own name … plus, his is easier to spell and pronounce, so there’s that ๐Ÿ˜›

Post # 9
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Just a side note about this issue-when I got divorced-I decided to keep my ex-husband’s last name, as we have children and that way, we all had the same last name. Now that I have been engaged and am getting married in just 35 days, I have to tell you that I CAN”T WAIT to change my name to my new husband’s name!!!! For me, it is a sign of new beginnings, new things to come, a new chapter in my life…as for the children, I don’t like the idea of them still having my exs last name (is not in the picture,never sees them and is $60K arrears in child support so he’s pretty much out of the picture). However, my FI wants to adopt the twins, so when we feel the time is right (probably a year or so after we get married) we’ll begin the adoption process and their last names will be changed too.

Post # 10
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Oh, that is a tough little snag at the end after you two have already decided what to do. I hate when I feel rushed or pressured and don’t want to “cause a scene.” In my state we didn’t have to decide when we got the certificate, it listed each of us separately by the names on our licenses. It took me many months to decide what to do.

Can you still go with the original plan? Even if his lastname is on the certificate, you don’t have to bother making the other changes. I think that once you start the change with the SS office or the DMV you should go through with it completely, but not at your stage. At least I hope that’s another option for you to consider.

ETA: I just realized this is a month old. What did you end up doing?

Post # 12
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I kept my name… There is absolutely no reason to change your name if you don’t want to.  Societal pressure on this is rapidly changing, so don’t let anyone ever make you feel awkward about your choice.  My sister rolled her eyes and huffed when she heard our choice… and you know what?  It didn’t matter to me one little bit!

Post # 13
Member
350 posts
Helper bee

Oh man this has been a HUGE source of drama between me & my fiance.  He’s pretty devastated that I’m not taking his name (although gradually coming to terms with it) but I just can’t do it.  I got something addressed to me as “future Mrs. Hislast” recently and I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.  Even though it affects you both, it’s ultimately your decision so please do what works for you!

Post # 15
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m sorry you’re getting so much flack about it. My thought: your name, your decision. I kept my name. My husband kept his. We’re married. We’re family. Pooh to anyone who says otherwise. 

Post # 16
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

well, i checked my marriage license this morning and shocked to see that according to Papau New Guinea law im Mrs His Last Name!!! yikes, because as far as the aussie governmnet is concerned im Ms My Last Name

1 good reason to keep your surname is that any mail i get at home/work with his last name is a dead giveaway that its junk mail

really, how many times in a day do you get refered to by your surname? except for my email address very rarey do i get called Ms or Mrs whatever. ive kept my surname and i dont even think either of our families know because its such a non event

worst case senario, you can change your name legally whenever you choose to so breathe and relax ๐Ÿ™‚

 

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