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I've heard in a recent study, they found the divorce rate goes down (to 20%) tremendously with a premarital counseling class. Local churches/pastors offer these types of support.
Also www.thenest.com gives you a perspective of married life, similar to weddingbee style online.
I'll be reading this board though for Bee's input!
Oh I didn't know that The Nest talks about married life. I keep getting spam from them now that I'm married but I never check out the website!
I'm definitely interested in inputs from married Bees!
I've only been married for a month, but I can say that I love it sooo much more than dating or being engaged. I struggled a lot before hand with whether or not we were doing the right thing by getting married, but I have had no second thoughts since! We're both happy, for the moment, and though I know it won't always be this carefree and easy, I'm enjoying it while it lasts!
I've been married for almost 2 years, and I'm still loving it! My husband and I did NOT live together before we were married, so that's my favorite part about it. We're still as happy as ever, and we're currently looking for a new house, so a lot of exciting stuff!
Interesting to see what everyone says. I'm not really capable of commenting as life hasn't changed a stitch since the wedding.
I knew a friend who got married though, and everything was fine and dandy until they hit the 8 month mark in their marriage. She said the first year was soooo hard! I'm not worried about it. I knew my husband almost 4 times as long as she did, and I think that was a big factor, not the marriage. She said she was suddenly learning all these weird things about him and his personality that she never knew before because the time between dating+marriage were just amazing.
I sat here and debated about commenting on this thread, but then decided to do so-married life. Hummm....I was married for ten years (after being together, promised & engaged for six years before getting married). (Edit post here-we were actively involved in church during the time we were dating and did have pre-marital counseling, engagement encounter, had "the talks"-sex, finances, religion, kids, etc.)The first year can be delightful-setting up house (even if you've lived together, you still have all of those delightful wedding presents to open!), settling into a routine that does not include wedding talk/planning for the first time in months, waking up in the same bed after falling asleep together every night, sex when you pretty much want to, developing friendships with other married couples-it's an incredibly fun time in your life. If you are religious and active in a church together-attending Sunday school and other functions together, as well as worshiping as a couple brings you to a whole other level in your faith.
That being said-the first year can also be difficult-getting used to sharing EVERYTHING with someone else (especially if you haven't been living together) is tough-bathroom, TV remote, chores, etc.-all take negotiating and working it out.
My best advice is to remember to keep your manners and be polite and courteous to each other, even when things become familiar, you must continue to "date" your spouse, remember each other on a daily basis-your spouse is seeking affirmation and validation in your eyes-just as you do in theirs. Be gracious, be thankful-and remember that you are still a "lady". Okay, you may scoff and laugh and be thinking "what in the world is she talking about"-for example-you know everything about each other and have zero boundaries-but some things-such as personal hygeine...he knows I use tampons, just because we are now husband and wife does he really need to see me use them?! NOPE! Don't let your husband see you naked ALL the time-sometimes a little bit of mystery is valuable and keeps the fire stoked. Your marriage is like a growing plant and you MUST feed it to keep it alive and healthy. Remember that you will go thru tough stuff-keep communicating, assume nothing, talk to each other , laugh and play together...be each other's best friend. You have to compromise-don't let sex fall by the way side as you become more busy (especially as children arrive on the scene) make appointments for sex and keep those dates-work together to keep the physical part of your relationship healthy-you will need all of those hugs and kisses to get you thru the darker moments-get up earlier than you really want to, or stay up later than you need to sometimes to be on your spouses schedule (him too) to share some sweet moments in the morning and a cup of coffee or an "extra special" snuggle before going to sleep.
I know I've rambled on and on...as an encore bride, I feel that my FI and I are going into this second marriage with a very clear idea of what it takes to keep it healthy. Congratulations and best wishes!
I have been married about a month and a half and love it! We didn't live together before the wedding, but we dated for 7 1/2 years and have known each other since we were in third grade. It seems so natural and I'm so happy with my life right now!
I've been married for almost a year now. For us it's actually been an awesome and fast year, we both say the fastest year of our lives! Total we've been together for about 6.5 years, so I wonder if that is counted in those types of studies or if they just look at the number of married years?
Liztwinz - That was quite possibly the most sage married advice I have read in a long, long time. Thank you for deciding to post it.
Most couples who divorce will do it around 6-7 years of marriage (when kids are young, or when deciding whether or not to have kids) or 20-22 years of marriage (when the kids leave the house). I think a lot of it has to do with those big family transitions and having to readjust to each others' new roles.
@ Liztwinz - Awesome advice! Thanks for taking the time to write that!
I've been married for 1 year and 1 month. I find that the biggest problem with us is that we are very busy. We are both professionals who have jobs that surpass the boundaries of 9-5. We live pretty far and do a lot of driving. We have a lot of family obligations financially and our weekends are usually spent with them. We bought our house a year before we got married. We don't seem to know what 1st year wedding bliss is! We have been on quite a few vacations but our every day lives are so busy that we don't feel relaxed. I think people don't realize how lucky they are to not be financially responsible for their families.
<span style="font-family: tahoma; font-size: 13px;">liztwinz - Don't be so humble. ;) It's because of the little stuff -- dating, keeping some mystery, and let's not forget, you've actually been married before, and therefore, know what you are talking about! You always learn something from your experiences and others.
well, you have to take staistics with a grain of salt...in all fairness. i mean, they say that the divorce rate is 50%+ now, but in reality, only 20-30% of 1st time marriages end in divorce and the rates get higher for 2nd, 3rd timers, etc. which brings the #'s to 50%+.
i'm not married yet, but we have lived together for a few years and have been together for quite a few more. i'm a firm believer in taking full responsibilty for your own life and your own feelings. we are all human and have our own issues to deal with. it's been proven time and again that money doesn't bring happiness, and neither does being pretty, or having a nice house, etc. i think it's a matter of how we choose to live, and we all have that choice.
sure, living in the U.S., i'm very grateful for a lot of opportunities and privleges that i may not have elsewhere, but i've trekked the globe and have seen people that are truly happy and feel blessed even though they were living in a hut with no electricity or available water within close proximity. and those who were unhappy even though they had all the money in the world and no responsibility. these are all their choices.
throughout the years, FI and i have had to tackle lots of relationship issues that are pretty common. we've managed to work through it all and know that going forward, there is more work to be done. everything that's well worth it in the end requires hard work...it doesn't mean you have to be unhappy or unsatisfied. i know that Oprah has and continues to work her but off doing what she does, but she has a love for it and her business only continues to prosper.
after the wedding, we will go on a world tour for a year or two and i know that will pose other challenges for us, but we look forward to working towards building our relationship as strong as possible and continue to nurture our love.
You know I think it all depends on the type of people you are. In my first marriage, by the 3 year mark....I was hurting. We divorced 2 yrs later. I have friends that have had very rough first 2 yrs of their marriage. One I am not sure will actually make the 2 yr mark...BUT I am not just saying this because it is me and the present (LOL), I do not expect to go through a hard time like i did with my first husband with my fiance. We've lived together longer than I was even married already. We seem to click so much better and the bond is strong.
It seems to me like some people's attitudes do change when they are married and not for the better. In my two friends cases and my first, the husbands started acting out like they felt like they secured their wife and they could act like heathens if they wanted. Believe me how quickly that does not fly!
I think to make it over those speed bumps you need stay courteous of each other. Life definitely gets in the way. With my fiance I am the one who stresses out and he tells me to chill out. It works. You have to be able to admit your wrong and apologize when you are. The idea of marriage seems like nothing but rainbows and butterflies. In reality it is hard work.
You and your husband will be ok. Maybe try to make time for each other. Have a date night even if it means going to the video store, picking up a movie and taking the time to watch it. Or make up little rules...between this and that time on this day is OUR time...no phone, email or other communcation.
Hope that helps a little.
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I've heard that 40% of marriages end up in divorce after the first 1.5 years and that if you can stick it out for 7 years, it's worth it because the relationship is a lot better by then.
How long have you been married and how is married life treating you?