(Closed) Marriage Means Compromise. What If I Don’t Wanna?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Can I ask how old you guys are? It seems like your SO (boyfriend? Or is he your FI?) does not have settling down on his brain, and you do. Do you have a timeline for purchasing a home? Do you have a timeline for kids? Have you even discussed this? If these things are further away in the future, why not let him have his time at university now, and do the family thing/move to Austin in a few years? Is there a real rush? You can still save for a home, and live where you are. Also, something to consider – an investment in a home is not always the smartest way to grow your money (as many of the bubble burst homeowners in your state know). I think you need to sit down and have a real grown up talk about timelines and goals, and see where both of you fit into the plan. Being married is about letting both partners have their time to grow and explore who they are, and it sounds like you may need to stay in CA a little longer if you want to be a good, supportive future wife.

Also, making him move somewhere he’s never been may come back to bite both of you. I love love love Austin, but seriously, take the boy there on a vacation first!

Post # 5
1398 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

When you guys go on your trip, take some time to check out schools in the area that might have a Rugby team. I think it would be really sweet of you to maybe call around and talk to some coaches about your bf being interested in playing rugby and if they could talk (or come to a practice?) while you’re there. Perhaps you could get him excited about a school there and he’ll feel better about moving?

Post # 6
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

why is it that we, as women, are always the ones expected to compromise?  didnt you already compromise when you postponed your move initially b/c he got a new job?  sometimes dudes really piss me off (excuse my french).  when he says “will be moving to pursue YOUR dream” he’s failing to realize that staying means he gets to pursue his dream.

so how bad do you want to move?  how sad would you be if you lived a year or 2 in austin alone?  my BFF lives in austin.  she moved there from portland.  she LOVES it.  LOL!  i live in socal, so i completely understand the whole “saving for a house when 20% for a two bedroom shack is $100k).

i have no advice.  i just want to offer support and commiserate.  unfortunately, i think men (generalizing here) tend to be a little selfish.  i mean, he “may” apply to a 4 year school and “could” make the rugby team.  but then, if you “force” him to move, he could end up resenting you.  which is why i am suggesting moving sans bf.

Post # 7
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I gotta say, I completely agree with FutureMrsMorgan. My initial reaction was the same; he says then we’d be pursuing YOUR dream….subtext to me? “We need to stay so I can pursue MINE”.

Post # 9
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree with FMM. If you have your heart set on moving, why not go ahead and move and get established and then he can come along later? That way, you can get a new job, start grad school, and maybe scout around for some college rugby teams and career opportunities for him. That way you both will have the opportunity to pursue your dreams.

Post # 10
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I would ask your Fiance to think of it as what would be a better opportunity for “us” versus “you” or “he”. IMO I think you should set down a make a list that is divided into three columns: what is best for you, what is best for him, and what is best for you as a couple. Unfortunately, most of the time in life we can’t do what is best for everyone but at least looking at a visual may help you truly see who is compromising and how much.

For example, although this rugby opportunity may be a good thing for him now how does that limit your future? Is he going to play rugby for a living in the future? Probably not, but can he still get the BA if he chooses no matter his location? Yes. Will you, as a couple, be giving up job opportunities and chance to potentially buy a home if you stay where you are? From your previous statements, yes. Keep going from there.

As an army wife I have had to do my fair share of compromise. We both have had to give up some of our wants or postpone some of our dreams for the better of our relationship. In the end though I would say we have found a way to get almost all of what we each want sometimes it just comes in a different package or at a different time than we initially expected.

Best of luck!

Post # 11
2393 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I think learning to compromise is something that is so crucial.  Someones dreams are always going to be put on hold, or someone is always going to want something more than the other…but at the end of the day, what is important is that you are with the one you love.  If movig to Austin means more to you than being with your Fiance, then you have your answer.  I personally think it’s a great opportunity for you and your Fiance.  I believe you said you are a teacher, which means you have your degree…This is a great opportunity for him to further his education.  And maybe there’s a possibility that he could get a scholarship…

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