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I stumbled across this article during my morning e-mail checking routine. While I find the tone rather offensive, I'd like to get the hive's opinion on whether taking your FH's name is conforming to a sexist tradition.
Article here:
http://www.embracethechaos.ca/2010/02/i-am-not-a-mrs.html
I'll be taking my FI name when we get married. I will do it out of tradition but not because he "owns" me. It's because we are becoming our own family. Everyone in my extended family has taken the husband's name and yet all of my aunt's (and my mom and grandma) are extremely strong women who are in no way "owned" by their husbands. Growing up around these women has shown me that marriage is an equal partnership which creates a powerful family unit and my FI agrees with this.
I feel the author of the article, coming from a broken home doesn't want to get stuck in the same situation as her mom with either having to change back her name or to keep her ex-husbands. To me this also shows she doesn't plan on staying in her marriage forever.
I think Dave Matthew's says it best:
"You and me together, we can do anything baby"
If you're not willing to share a last name (whether its yours, his or a combination) you'll never really be together. Just my two cents.
I have to disagree with your statement "If you're not willing to share a last name (whether its yours, his or a combination) you'll never really be together." I don't plan on changing my last name - are you saying that my relationship isn't as valid as yours?
That being said, I do think that the author of that article was pretty abrasive and judgy. I don't necessarily believe that the changing of a last name denotes ownership, but it is an outdated, patriarchal custom that I don't believe in for myself.
But I certainly don't have a problem with anyone else who decides to change their name.
Agree with danadelphia -- to each her own.
Also, "To me this also shows she doesn't plan on staying in her marriage forever." Disagree. A bee once commented on a prenup that it is like insurance -- no one plans to get into an accident, but when you do, you're glad you have it. Same thing here. I think it is presumptuous to state that the author, who doesn't change her name, doesn't plan to stay married. Seriously, why get married at all if you don't plan to stay that way. I don't think you can fairly make that claim based solely on the author being the child of a broken home and because she wrote an angry essay about not taking her husband's last name. (Wanted to add because I don't think this makes it clear -- my point is that it's not fair to evaluate someone else's relationship based on whether or not she changes her name!)
I really hate it when women are judged either way. Taking his name or not ... it's a choice, and I personally chose to do it. I had my reasons, thought about it a lot, and my husband would have supported whatever decision I made. In end, I chose what made me comfortable, and that's all that matters.
I'm taking my FI's name, honestly it's not a big deal to me and I'm looking forward to it. I don't see my name as "who I am". I am who & what I am and that will never change. I don't see my name as a statement of my identity, it's not like I choose it in the first place. And for someone to say that b/c a woman changes her name they lose respect for them?? Personally, I loose respect for that person. We don't all have to make the same choices in life to be respected as people. I really don't understand why anyone would even care wheather or not I or someone else kept a name or changed it. "What's in a name? That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet".
Most women these days have their father's last name, not their mother's. I figured it would be more "feminist" to take on my husband's name out of choice rather than keep the name I was given without a choice. Either way, it doesn't matter.
I love how we live in a world where we're told that we have the right to choose and yet when we make choices about things like this, regardless of if we do or don't change our names, we're labelled with one or another stereotype. What does my name have anything to do with my marriage?
I think this thread has the potential to turn into another name-change debate, which has been debated ad nauseam on these boards. All relationships are valid, name change or not. Feminism is about the right to choose EITHER option. The end.
To the OP: I think the author of that article is probably just expressing her views based on her life experiences. It might not be the best way to go about it, but wether we like it or not, we are shaped by the life experiences we have, and sometimes those life experiences are out of our control (ex: parent's divorce).
*sigh*
While I appreciate that this is an important decision for every woman who marries, comments like, 'I lose a little respect for [women who take their husband's names]" make me want to scream.
Seriously? Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sandra Day O'Connor, Rosa Parks, Corretta Scot King, Maxine Hong Kingston, Drew Gilpin Faust, Abigail Adams, Madeline Albright, Sarah Palin, Nancy Pelosi, Michelle Obama, Marie Curie, Margaret Sanger, Olympia Snowe and Melinda Gates all assumed or incorporated their husbands' names, and it doesn't seem to have affected their ability to enact actual change in the world.
We are the sum of our actions and our choices, and the notion that I ought to disrespect, say, a brilliant chemist because I disagree with her thoughts on nomenclature seems absurd to me. History doesn't give a rat's ass that Rosa Parks took her husband's name. It cares that she refused to give up her seat on the damn bus.
That article has bitter written all over it. I don't think reading that should help you determine whether keeping your last name or changing it is a good decision. By her reasoning, should she have the name her parents gave her? That was a name "forced" upon her, but apparently, that's her identity. If she took her husband's last name, wouldn't that have been the first time in her life where she was actually given the option of changing her name? And shame on her for judging others on what they choose to do.
Personally, I feel like this is a new chapter in my life. Before, I was me with my current name, next I will be a wife with a new last name. Even though my father is gone, and I love him so much, I don't feel like I am doing a diservice to him by not keeping his name. My mother took my father's name, and my father would have wanted me to do the same. I understand the reasons a woman would want to keep her last name, and I thought about it myself. But, in the end, for me, I feel that taking on my husband's name is the right thing to do.
Oh, and one more thing. The SIRNAME AND SURNAME at the end, that just rubbed me the wrong way.
I'm a little on the fence of this personally because I'm an academic. If we get married before I start grad school, I'll probably change his name. However, if I'm deep into my PhD program, I can't see changing my name for publications/references sake. I really want to take his name, but it just depends on timing.
Amen Teaadntoast!
I'm also one who is infuriated when someone judges either way. I embrace the fact that I had a CHOICE in what I wanted my last name to be. I didn't do it out of tradition or b/c my husband owns me...I did it b/c I could. Just like some of the bees on here choose to not change their name did it b/c they could...they chose to not change it...or, they chose to hyphenate or to merge their last name with their husband's last name. It's all about a woman's right to choose what she wants to do with her name.
@MissBiner - Are you uncomfortable taking his name after marriage but continuing to use your maiden professionally?
I am not taking my future husbands last name, but I also don't like or agree with the tone of this article.
But I do find it funny that the OP brings her own judgmental approach in attacking the judgmental approach of someone else. Way to keep it classy.
I loved taking DH's name. But you know what I loved even more? A: The fact that I had the choice of whether or not to do it.
That choice is what *Valhalla* is talking about. I think she hit the head on the nail!
"If you're not willing to share a last name (whether its yours, his or a combination) you'll never really be together."
That's not offensive?
I've nothing against anyone's choices. I don't look down on women who change their names.
But I notice there are women on this board that do signficiantly more than 50% of the housework/cooking (perhapse even the majority of the women in the hive) and I haven't seen a single woman mention that she does less than 50% (though I'm sure there's at least one). Are those numbers pure chance and natural inclination? Depending on whether the men in these relationships work more hours than their wives or not they consistently get either more liesure in their lives or better money. So - as long as these kinds of blatantly unfair arrangements are the norm - I think it's understandable to be skeptical of patriarchal traditions and be uncomfortable with them. I think the norms in marriage put more work on women than men so I think dismissing all choices about marriage as a matter of choice and out of bounds for critical discussion is not helpful.
It's kind of funny that the 'radical' author of the article gave her kids their father's name instead of her own. So they belong to the father more than to her? Even though she did the work of pregnancy? We all give in to partriarchical traditions just to different degrees.
As a historian, I think we need to distinguish between where the tradition of women taking their husbands names came from, and how it functions today. It's pretty indisputable that the roots of the tradition are in the fact that men used to have almost complete power over their wives. Women were not property in the sense that they could be bought and sold, but they were legal minors who could not (in most circumstances) own property, enter into contracts, etc. Legally, they were the same person as their husband, and he got to make the decisions, so it made since that she took his name.
That practice (coverture) has been changing over the last hundred and fifity years, and is no longer recognized in law or by most of society. Women now choose to take their partners' names for a variety of reasons which do not have to do with recognizing male authority within the family. The fact that a practice has roots in some pretty nasty notions about the status of women doesn't mean that people can't subsequently transform it into something different.
However, the claim that this naming tradition has its roots in a patriarchal system is true.
@TeaandToast I never thought of that. That's a viable option. You don't think having a different legal name would make publishing under my maiden name more difficult?
@MissBiner - I don't believe so, no. As nearly as I know, journals and the like don't care.
@historienne - "The fact that a practice has roots in some pretty nasty notions about the status of women doesn't mean that people can't subsequently transform it into something different."
That's such a good point.
@ Arachna
Love the posts!
And I probably do less that 50% of the work in the house. I do almost none of the cooking, very little cleaning, and very little yardwork. I do the laundry...sort of. I wash it, but I rarely put it away. 
But FI does have significantly more free time, AND spends a larger portion of his smaller salary on his own hobbies. Giving in to that made sense when I was in law school, but is making less and less sense.
Interesting thread!
We live in a wonderful time where women can choose what name we take for ourselves. My belief is that in order for our society to evolve and thrive, every person regardless of gender must be free to reach their potential and make decisions however they see fit.
In our case FI is taking my name, which we see not as a feminist stance (though I do consider myself a feminist), but as the decision that was right for our family.
@ Arachna - I do far less than 50% of housework and he works full time and makes more money. I do have an hour + commute each way, which is the only reason why it's OK. That and I hate housework and it makes me cranky and he's of the opinion - Happy Wife, Happy Life.
I'll be changing my name.... eventually. I don't feel like dealing with all the running around and nonsense to change my name before the wedding or right afterwards when we will be traveling. he wants me to take it and while I like the way my name sounds, he does so much for me that I can do this one thing for him. Ultimately it doesn't matter to me that much. He doesn't OWN me. If he thought he did, I'd actually be doing the housework.
@ Kittyachi
Your man is wise. My father would always say to us as kids, "a happy mother is a happy family" when we were getting on her frayed nerves but weren't actually being bad. It was such a good line, because sometimes it isn't that what you are doing in a relationship is wrong, it is that it will produce undesirable consequences.
In topic with this thread, that raises the point that there aren't many things that are right or wrong, but best and worst, as in, "this is best for us".
@MissBiner: I know several academic women who use one name socially and the other professionally. The only thing to think about would be whether your grad school requires your legal name on the diplome (mine doesn't, but I can imagine some might). And even that is not a big deal - plenty of people change their names after getting the Ph.D., so hiring committees will not be fazed.
@Arachna: Thanks for your comment. Yes, in general, we should support women's right to make their own choices about their lives, but that should not mean that we ignore the wider social pressures that shape our choices. None of us are making wholly "free" choices, just because we live in a world that we share with other people whose opinions we care about.
If you're not willing to share a last name (whether its yours, his or a combination) you'll never really be together.
Wow that is awfully judgemental!
If I had gotten married young I probably would have changed my name, but I am 37 years old and I have spent the last 10+ years getting my name known in my profession and I am not about to change it now! I thought about using my name professionally, but it'd be hard to keep things straight. It is not because I don't plan to stay married or because it would bother me to have his name. I even thought about a combination, but I already have a formal name, a nickname, a middle name, a last name, and I do not want to give up my middle name cause it's my grandmother's.
Different things are right for different people. I will still be Dr. Gardner and if that means we will never really be together in *your* eyes, I can live with that.
I also want to comment on the
If you're not willing to share a last name (whether its yours, his or a combination) you'll never really be together.
I get if women want to change their surname because they want to change it. It's their choice. I don't get the idea that if you don't change your name you are not a family unit or are not committed to the marriage. Actually, those ideas really get me upset.
IN A GREAT MANY CULTURES, many more conservative than my own Canadian culture, women do not change their names. In Korea women do not change their names. In many Muslim cultures, women do not change their names. My cousin married a Colombian, and not only did her name not change, their son has her family name. There are many many cultural practices, and in these cultures women are not seen as less committed or separate from the family unit because they do not change their surnames.
I am happy to keep my family name, and I am happy that in FI's more conservative cultural background and family, nobody would ever question me keeping my name.
I think its definitely a controversial issue. I used to not have a problem with it, but then I had a very chauvinist boss who changed my opinion on pretty much every gender based issue.
Ultimately, I will take my FI's name but NOT because of ownership or dominance, but so my children and my FI won't be embarrassed by it. Everyone in his home state thinks I'm enough of a hippie/crazy liberal - if I didn't take his name they wouldn't leave us alone about it - ever. It wouldn't bother me so much as I wouldn't want him to go through that.
To each their own but I really have to wonder, what is the real reason you dont want to take your husbands name? Just curious. I personally cant wait to marry him and take his name, so excited!! And it has nothing to do with ownership or male dominance, I just really want to!
@mrsmurray - My real reasons are:
As I stated above, I don't like the patriarchal roots of the custom, even though I know that that's not what it's about anymore.
Also, I have a full-time career and have written some work articles that were published online under my current name. And I run a semi-successful fashion blog under my current name. I wouldn't want to change my name from a name that is already recognzed in some circles.
Finally, and this may sound terrible, but the boy's last name is kind of silly sounding. And, it sounds terrible with my first name. That's not the main reason, but it helped me decide.
@mrsmurraytobe my reasons are:
1) I have never heard an argument for changing my name that makes sense to me. They might make sense to others, but not to me.
2) I don't think marriage has anything to do with name change. We're not less married because we don't share the same last name.
3) If men don't have to change their names to be married, why do women?
My reason for not taking his last name is that I already have a last name.
It's a patriarchal custom that I find rather burdensome. I will be no less married than anyone else. Marriage is a lifelong partnership, not an obliteration of your former identity.
@chicagobride
Marriage is a lifelong partnership not an obliteration of your former identity.
That's a great way to put it!
"My reason for not taking his last name is that I already have a last name."
That I am assuming was your father's last name? So, by thinking that way, shouldn't you have changed your last name to something completely different that you picked? Or did your father own you? Did he get cattle when you were married? Because, in our culture that is no longer in effect but I doubt any of your parents denied you having their last name because they didn't get something in return for your marriage.
Chicagobride - I don't mean to be snarky, nor do I mean to direct that at you. It's just I have heard that reason before and I have a hard time following that logic.
It's MY name that I always grew up with. It's what everyone has ever called me, my entire life. It's what all of my former employers and old friends knew me by. It's what my current colleagues and friends do know me by. Few of them know my father; they hear the last name, they think me. None of those things is true of my fiance's name.
My father happens to share my name, so what? Refusing to look at my last name as anything other than my father's name is incredibly short sighted and logically incoherent. E.g., by the same reasoning, my father's name isn't his, it's his fathers, whose name it also isn't, because it's his father's. Ad infinitem. The line has to be drawn somewhere. Otherwise no one's name ever belongs to him or her; we would all be symbolic chattel of men who died 1000 years ago, and our names haven't truly belonged to anyone since 1010 A.D. Would you think that my father is forever symbolically owned by his father (or his father or his father...) because they always shared the same name? No. My father is an adult, and his name belongs to him.
You said you think of my father's name as his; but, logically and historically, he has no more claim to it than I. My father has been on this earth enough years to stake his claim to his name. And I have been on this earth enough years to stake my own claim to call it mine. I am an adult and I have forged a life and an identity using my name. My name is the same as my father's name, but it belongs to me. I am my own woman. I am not Jane Doe, defined as daughter of John Doe. I AM Jane Doe.
I don't care what any individual person chooses to do with his or her name. I see having the same name as your new family as a worthwhile cause, and I can see why men or women change their names to achieve that. But no man or woman should ever be pressured into giving up his or her name. And until 50% of the names that are changed are changed by men, male-centric socialization in our society is alive and well.
*Standing ovation for chicagbride*
@mrsmurraytobe
1) I feel no need/desire to change my name. None.
2) I've accomplished a lot under my name. I don't want to give up any of that.
3) My mom didn't chage her name, it wasn't a problem at all in my childhood, and my parents remain happily married to this day.
4) Its my name.
5) The tradition doesn't say anything to me about the kind of relationship FI and I are creating.
6) Totally secondarily, but FI is entirely fine with my decision. But I wouldn't have dated a guy who wasn't.
"If you're not willing to share a last name (whether its yours, his or a combination) you'll never really be together. Just my two cents."
There are various other countries where women never change their last name when they get married. This doesn't mean that those marriages are any less valid/less long-lasting/have less togetherness than marriages in which the couple share a last name.
I second the standing ovation for chicagobride!
Ironically enough, I just did a little back of the envelope calculation and figured out that of all of my friends' parents who did not have the same last name, they are all still happily married, and their children never thought "Oh mom doesn't love me as much as other moms because we don't have the same last name.' The only divorced couples I know shared a last name. This is very unscientific, I know, but I'm just making the point that your choice of whether to keep your name or not has *nothing* to do with the strength of your marriage. If it did then the divorce rate in this country would be much lower.
Personally I am not changing my name, for many of the reasons described by other posters above, both professional and personal, but I have nothing against doing it and have considered it many times. My decision not to do so has nothing whatsoever to do with the depth of my love for my future husband, with whom I have the strongest and deepest relationship I could ever possible hope for. We are entering into a partnership to take care of each other for the rest of our lives. What the heck do our names have to do with it?
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