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I am always intrigued by the name change discussions because I grew up in an area where everyone just changed names. I think I probably thought until I went to college that it was just a requirement of marriage. Speed ahead 17 years and I've learned that there are not only countless options, but many customs depending where you are in the world. There is no right or wrong answer, but only an appreciation of the choices I have and a gratitude for people sharing their reasons behind their decision. Some people have given me great things to think about. Honestly, I don't know what my last name after marriage has to do with the strength or validity or even commtment to my relationship. My FI wanted me to keep my maiden name because he loves my independence and his knowledge that I don't need him to define who I am. Those are his words, not mine, so don't attack me. I thought it was sweet he thinks that of me, but he did agree a combination of our names sounded pretty good, so that is what I'm going with.
"If you're not willing to share a last name (whether its yours, his or a combination) you'll never really be together. Just my two cents."
What a demeaning way to make your point. That's like people who say that Long Distance couples are not "really" together. Bull hockey I say.
I did take my husband's name. We'd be just as married and "together" if I hadn't. But it was a choice I made.
Ha ha, I am a total lazy bum because my main reason is that it would be a pain in the behind. Let's see - credit cards, license, professional certifications, business license, financial accounts...the list goes on and on. It just seems like such a headache and it's not something I feel strongly about.
To some degree my professional life does play a part - it takes a long time to become 'known' by name and there's always the fear that people won't recognize you by a new name.
I may feel differently when I have children, in terms of me, my husband and the kids all sharing a name - we shall see.
I'm changing mine because I like his last name better. It is kinda sad, I'm my dad's only child and he was his dad's only son so my last name stops with me (in our family line) but it's always mispronounced or misspelled and the boy's last name is common, easy, and spelled the usual way. Plus it sounds better with my first and middle. I'm not sure what I'll end up doing, maybe going with a mexican tradition and do MY NAME, MY MIDDLE NAME, MY FATHER'S LAST NAME, MY MOTHER'S LAST NAME, DE MY HUSBAND'S LAST NAME. I think that's how it works... lol
"If you're not willing to share a last name (whether its yours, his or a combination) you'll never really be together. Just my two cents."
I guess there are thousands of couples out there who have been married for decades that aren't really "together". Ridiculous.
Interesting! Changing your name is up to you, and completely different in every situation. My FI is taking my last name, and this is common in other cultures. I am excited, because we have an important German name, and I am the very last one that carries it. (Youngest of three girls.) For us, it is a wonderful thing that he is taking my last name. I think this issue is also about respect. Your FI should respect you enough to let you have whatever name you want. MANY professional women never change names, because they have worked to establish themselves. You do not need to have the same name "to be together." I had a Professor in college that married and his wife kept her name. They had a girl and a boy- the boy took the Prof's last name, the girl took her mothers. I think it is honoring to your family to keep your name. Your FI should be comfortable enough in himself not to care what he thinks other people think and to let you think independently. Come on, America! There is a whole world of ideas out there, and possibilities!
"If you're not willing to share a last name (whether its yours, his or a combination) you'll never really be together."
I find this incredible offensive - is your partner not "really with you" because he isn't taking your name?
Yes, I do believe it's conforming to a sexist tradition - and I think it's fine if people choose to do it. But, I still think it is a sexist tradition.
@ Arachna "I've nothing against anyone's choices. I don't look down on women who change their names." I completely agree, and for the record - I'm pretty sure Mr.D does more than 50% of the housework. He tends to cook breakfast for us, and then helps me with dinner (sometimes it's just one of us, sometimes both). He is better at folding and laundry than I am, and I mind cleaning the bathroom less - so I tend to do that. But on the whole, Mr.D is likely to do more than me, even it's 60/40 or 55/45 - we try to keep it pretty equal.
The author gave the children her name as their middle, so I imagine their names look like Sally Waverman Dad'sLastName. Typically, as someone who works with a database, it is "easier" to haev one last name and more middles.
@Miss Biner - if I could go back in time, I would have kept my birth name legally - and used his last name with mine socially. It would have made things SO SO SO MUCH easier. SO SO SO MUCH. Is there another way to emphasize how much? Because I would do it.... haha
@Missmurraytobe I like my last name - it's who I am, it's who I've been for 25 years. It ties me to my family, my cultural history, to my roots. Adding to the possibility of moving to another country - away from everyone who shares my name - well, I guess I just want to keep that piece of me. So, for us, sharing both our names would be ideal so we would be the MyLast HisLasts :) That way we'd be our own unit with named ties to our families and ties to each other no matter where we live! Also, I completely agree with @chicagobride - standing ovation indeed! woo!
I think it is just another way for women to be guilt tripped into the tradition, but I actually prefer my fiance's last name over mine, and am definitely going with his. It just sounds better altogether. But I don't think if push comes to shove that one should have that kind of power over someone else. If you want to change it, change it. If you don't, don't. It's just a matter of opinion and preference.
I'm planning on keeping my maiden name professionally/online (except for Facebook) and my married name on all important paperwork, letters, when I pick up my kids at school I'll be Mrs. FI's Last Name. But there are hundreds of Google results for my current name that are actually about me and I don't want to lose all of that when I get married. I'm in PR so personal branding is important, but so is having a cohesive family unit. I want to have the same name as my kids - Oh, and our names cannot be combined because they rhyme and it sounds AWFUL!
This is such a fascinating topic to me. I was raised in a culture where changing your name to your husband's was the norm - not saying everyone did that, but most did. It seems much more recently (to me anyways...) that we are actually considering the choice and what we as an individual (whether it be the wife or the husband) want to be called. And it is certainly clear that there are very strong opinions on either side of the issue.
I personally will be taking his last name. I don't know if I really have a strong reason as to why, other than the fact that I know it is what I want to do. I can certainly see the positive side of keeping your maiden name - particularly due to professional reasons where you are known by your name and the work you have done under that name. I can also see that many people identify themselves as being that person with that name. I guess I am sort of neutral on the topic - I think you should make the choice based on what is right for you. For me, I know it is going to be a hassle to change my name over on all my cards and paperwork and insurance and goodness knows what else, but I am excited to be Mrs. HisLast - not because he "owns" me but because it makes sense to me and to us as a couple.
Why do so many people's feathers get ruffled when its pointed out that changing to a husband's name is rooted in the concept of ownership? It's a fact plain and simple. A woman for centuries has been considered nothing more than property and in marriage ownership changed from father to husband and this was denoted via last name change.
Is that romantic or sweet in any way? No. Does that suck? Yes. Is it true despite it sucking? Yes.
Yet traditions slowly evolve and the nice thing now is that we can give a different meaning to changing names and we have the possibility to choose whether we want to do so. The problem is, the choice is not offered to everyone. Many women are not given much of an choice because they are either just not told there is an option or family or even their FI demands it of them. That's the part that upsets me.
Personally I choose to not change my last name because:
1) It is my identity. That alone is plenty for me, but also...
2) All my acheivements in life thus far have been a product of the love, care, blood, sweat and tears my parents have put into raising me - FI and his family had no part in that. I honor my them by keeping the name I was given by the people who gave me life and sacrificed so much for me.
PS. FI and I have no blanket law that our kids will take his name. It could be mine! We'll cross that bridge when we come to it!
My father just found out this last weekend that I am not taking FI's name....his exact words, "but you will belong to him"....my jaw dropped!!! OMG, I couldn't believe he said that.....so, I said "but he belongs to me too, so if I should take his name, then he should take mine, or some combination." Shocked! FI is fine with me keeping my name. It was a subject we discussed early on in our relationship and brought up again most recently. If he's fine with it, I am too.
I am keeping my last name. It is my mother's name and we have a family tradition that most woman (my one aunt did change her name, but it is for valid personal reasons that I respect) keep their last names and pass it on to their children (except for aunt mentioned). My FI has asked if he can assume my name once we are married but I am not forcing him into it.
Isn't it ironic when someone says "I think it's oudated to take the mans last name.. I am keeping my own, it's sexist etc etc".... when her 'own' is actually from her father... another man. lol
I love tradition and I love the extra 'bond' you feel mentally about joining with your man. It seems to me to make it more complete. From discussions with others the men generally like it to (not all, but a lot)
I love a lil old fashioned romance:) I don't feel guilt tripped, conformed, controlled, inequal or oppressed by a simple gesture which is on paper -and not plain for others to see stamped on my forehead walking down the st.
@MarilynMonroe: Okay tradition isn't going to die any time soon. I think all about this thing though is people want choice. It is my name. I am in charge of my own identity. I don't have a close realtionship with my Father.
For us, we are both hyphenating. Both of us. So we are both making the name change. We have decided if we don't exactly like the Hyphenated name after living with it for a while. We will legally combine our last names into a much simpler name. For us, this compromise works.
For me it is all about compromise in marriage. Tradition does work, tradition is easy. It is very easy, very good seemingly. But I as a feminist cannot really get over the whole past reasons, and that the woman in the past had very little legal authority over herself.
Today it is different. But still the name choice freedom for men doesn't exist as it exists for women. Until it is 50/50 with men and women equally making name changes, there are just somethings I don't like about it. I was assumed To be Zarah Bruckman (Not my name but close unto it) which I am not. I am still Zarah Corrant, this does bug me. Because I am not married to him yet, I assume they would have had the courtesy. Anyway, We are both going to be signing the lease with our new Married name. So that makes me feel better.
Yeah it does matter a great deal.
We have choice, but we also have social pressure to make that choice. Humans in the end want to fit in. I would have loved us finding a completely new name with in our Family trees. But we decided out of respect for his father, whom he loves very much, and out of respect for my mother who upon divorce kept the married name, which I believe is now matrilineal, We will hyphenate our name.
So compromise.
I kind of look at it like a player from the vikings going to the packers but still calling themselves a viking. I like sharing a family name, whatever name that might be. I actually ended up taking both names with no hyphen because I have kids but I don't really prefer that and I generally just use my new name.
I think any choice is valid and a name doesn't make a person more or less married. Everyone needs to choose what is right for them. I like the tradition of taking his name. I like his name and I like sharing a name. Those might not be valid reasons for someone else and they'll choose differently. I don't think any choice of name deserves any disrespect by either "side"
I don't plan on changing my name, but I have nothing against those who do. It just isn't right for me. My mom never changed her name, and it didn't matter. People called her what they were going to call her, regardless of her legal name. People called her Mrs husband'slastname, Mrs herlastname, and they called me by my mother's last name all the time thinking her maiden name was her changed married name.
Oh complication.
Honestly I truly do think people have choice and what is right for them. I just hope to see everything even out even more.
Really there is a lot of name change ways. If any of you haven't heard of the Lucy Stone league. Please check it out.
Yes they are feminist, and yes they call it sexist that the majority of women make the name change and most men don't.
I don't necessarily think sexism is a one sided issue. I think that its just as sexist that a man can't in many places legally change his name at marriage without a hassle, but a woman can.
As far as I believe. Name Choice freedom, is a right to self-determination. And By law in many places, people just don't have that freedom.
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