Marriage prep. Is he being inconsiderate?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

AgainstTheCurrent:  I don’t think you’re making a big deal out of nothing.  It seems like you’re the one doing all of the sacrificing.  I think you need to clearly communicate how you feel on this.  It’s not fair to expect you to be the only one bending, and not fair for him to dismiss your feelings.

How much have you tried to express how you feel to him?  Another thought, how do you plan to raise any future children, religion-wise?

Post # 3
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

AgainstTheCurrent:  Sounds to me that he really isn’t a Catholic. He sees what you are doing by taking the class as just ‘checking the box’. But if you stood up in class and said, “I don’t beleive in this or that”, they wouldnt let you get married in the Catholic Church.

You need to find out how much he really beleives and how much he expects you to follow the church. I would outline with him what you really believe and if he is okay with it. How would you feel if he suddenly became much more Catholic (like my BFF’s husband after 9 years together). 

But as a side note–*I* would have a problem with someone who is okay with me lying about my beliefs. That shows me he has no respect for me *and* no respect for the church. 

Post # 5
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

so when the kids go to church every sunday- are you going with them or you staying home?

Post # 7
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

AgainstTheCurrent:  This doesn’t sound like a great start to marriage. He doesn’t even acknowledge that you are making huge sacrifices in order to fit his way of doing things. I’m not so sure you should make those sacrifices anyway–you’re going to let the Catholic church dictate your family planning and raise your children in something you don’t believe? All for a man who isn’t even appreciative?

Why can’t you guys find a compromise instead of you having to give in on everything, including the wedding location? Is this how you want to live?

Post # 8
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am surprised a practicing Catholic would marry an atheist.  Seems like it is asking for a whole lot of problems when it comes to raising kids.  Anyway, I think he is pretty much asking you to lie both in pre-cana and when you take your wedding vows.  I don’t know how an atheist could make the sacremental vows required in a Catholic ceremony.  Unless both of you agree that the vows don’t actually mean anything?  And you are just marrying in a Catholic church to please his family?  I was previously married in a catholic church and we had to make certain promises about accepting children.  IDK, if I was athiest, I am not sure I could go through with a church wedding, particularly a catholic one, that views marriage as a sacrement.

Post # 9
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My FI says that on my place he would “support the other party and their beliefs”.

^^But he can do that, now. He isn’t supporting your beliefs at all currently.<br />

Post # 10
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

KoiKove:  Just to be clear the Catholic church no longer requires you to be catholic, or even Christian to get married in the church. With a dispensation from disparity of cult she is welcome to marry in the Catholic church without hiding her beliefs. In fact she does not even have to agree to raise the children Catholic, her husband would need to agree that he will do everything in his power to have the children brought up in the church but she wouldn’t have to make any such promise.

Post # 11
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Are you lying about anything or agreeing to do anything you don’t want to?  I can understand why you’re uncomfortable to begin with but any of the former would really make it bad.  Being married in a Catholic Church would mean that you’re expected to raise your children Catholic and that you will always support your partner’s faith.  The whole natural family planning thing is their goal, but they try to be less pushy about it now (hopefully – at least they were through our prep, both Catholic by the way), it’s not like you have to promise to do it.  This is a big deal for you though and he should definitely be acknowledging what you’re doing to support something that is important to him.  Maybe you’re okay with it all, but to get some acknowledgement for the uncomfortable situation you’re in (because it would be awkward, even when you love and support him) would be nice.  You’re going through this big religious ceremony and while I’m sure you have respect for it, with your beliefs some of it probably will feel a bit phony to you (for lack of a better word), so that is sort of compromising.  I guess perhaps he could be trying to defend the fact that he doesn’t want you to change what you believe when he says you don’t have to compromise, but it is still changing your wedding ceremony (and possibly major future decisions) because that certainly isn’t how you would pick to do it if it weren’t for his beliefs.

Post # 12
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

Mrs.Sawyertobe:  Wedding Vows between a Catholic and a Non-Catholic are not Sacramental, the Vatican has for years now recognized non sacramental marriages between a Catholic and a Non-Christian. There is no lying involved.

Post # 13
Member
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I don’t know. This doesn’t sound like the start of a stable marriage since he cannot see the sacrifices you are making. I was born and raised Catholic, now an Atheist, and the two are literally worlds apart. Universes apart. It’s a big deal to sacrifice your faith or lack of for a person you love just so they can get what they want (I assume he wants the Catholic church?) He isn’t supporting you or the sacrifice you’re making at all. This is something I’d consider putting the wedding on hold over, because if he can’t support you in this, what else will he see as no big deal and not support you? My lack of faith is important to me, so it would take an actual, unexplainable miracle for me to even consider changing my faith for anyone, so I’d be absolutely floored and pissed off by his nonchalant approach to it.

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Post # 14
Member
41 posts
Newbee

I think you should talk to your FI about how much certain things mean to him. For example, you brought up the natural family planning, is he 100% on board with this or is it something he is just saying (going along with) in order to have a catholic wedding/marriage. He needs to respect your beliefs as you are trying to do for him. Does/ has he abide(d) by these strict rules during your relationship or is it new?

Post # 15
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I obviously left the Catholic church a long time ago, for a protestant denomination.  That said, I cannot imagine marrying an athiest.  It just seems so far apart to me, but whatever floats your boat.  I know ther eis a couple in our church where the woman is Christian and the man is not.  It causes her a great deal of spiritual angst…..

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