Post # 1
Over the past month, My girlfriend (24) of 10 month wouldn’t stop pressuring me(26) to “discuss future plans” with her. She lashed out at me 3 weeks ago right before sleep, saying things like “OK, I’m not wasting my f***ing time with you if this is going no where, I expect you to do something in a month. If not, that’s IT”. She appologized repeatedly the next day. However, it’s once again brought up last week, repeatedly. She started being very moody and get pissed off at little things. Yesterday, she giftwrapped a soft ultimatum, and not taking it back. It’s driving me nuts.
It all started when one of her coworker started bragging how her long D boyfriend of 5 month, at the brink of break up in the relationship, suddenly proposed to her. now she’s so happy so in love and ready to marry.
To be fair to her, she’s very nice to me usually and tries hard to make me happy and impress my friends. I’m her first BF and she gave me her virginity. I kept telling myself she’s just inexperienced and don’t know how to act in these situations, but that doesnt’ help that much anymore. I have also personally made the mistake of letting her move in without a serious conversation. She started sleeping over, and then started bringing in her cloth, and I didnt protest. So now she’s at my place full time. It’s been around 4 month…
I am not ready to marry someone I’ve met less than a year ago. I think 10 month is awefully short for a lifelong commitment. We still have things which I think we need to work out in the relationship. For example, we fight about stupid things every 2 week or a month. I want it to be less often but she tries to tell me it’s ok…
My guy friends are telling me to break up across the board. Female friends are mostly leaning the other way and ask me to put up. Knowing this is mostly a girl forum. I’m here to seek some advice from the opposite gender. Please tell me if I’m the one being unreasonable. If not, how do I deal with this. what do I tell her
Post # 3
you’re not being unreasonable.
do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?
10 months isnt a very long time to have been dating, but i think you should do the right thing and break if off if you’re not in this for the long haul. it will help both of you.
Post # 4
Have you told her that you aren’t ready for marriage? That is the only thing that she can really expect from you right now. Just be honest with her about how you feel about your relationship right now.
Post # 5
I think you two should break up since she is pressuring you this much…and after only 10 months. Seriously, doesn’t she realize that most successful marriages don’t occur with “your first”? And I predict that if you stay in this relationship, the pressure will only get worse.
Post # 6
10 months isn’t that long for most people. I don’t blame you – you’re not at all being unreasonable.
If you think things could eventually go the way of marriage though, and you really want it to work out, sit her down. Tell her marriage is not something you’re ready for now, but in a year (or however long you want) you two can maybe begin moving towards it if that is what you both want.
And if she throws a fit, then I don’t know that she is the gal for you.
ETA: And I’m also soon to be engaged to my first serious boyfriend. When everything was new and exciting and we were first head over heels, sure I thought we could get married. Then I told myself, “WTF, hold your horses, girl!” And we waited until the time was right and we were both ready. We discussed marriage extensively for months and worked out a timeline and plans for our future. The important thing is – it was all done together, and not with me dragging him along. Don’t let her drag you along if you’re not ready.
Post # 7
10 months is a short short short time for a proposal. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.
If you think you will be ready eventually then tell her “We are not ready for marriage but when I feel like we are I will propose, it’s not that I don’t want to marry you, it’s that we are not ready to be married yet”
10 months is not enough time for her to give you and ultimatem and I’m with you 100%. Seems like you care about her but you need to stand your ground. If you cave either you will bail before the wedding or there will be divorce in your future because you are doing something you don’t want to and are not ready to do. I’m not saying never marry her but 10 months and you’re not ready is PERFECTLY acceptable.
Post # 8
I think she is crazy for trying to force you into that kind of commitment after less than a year together.
I also think it was a little bit pushy (and maybe a bit creepy) for her to just kind of… move herself into your place.
I will say that my FI and I bicker regularly about stupid things, probably a lot more often than every couple of weeks, haha. But we don’t really mind it- we’d rather bicker about stupid things that don’t matter than have serious issues to fight about.
Post # 9
@September29: that’s the problem. I don’t know if I want to spend the rest of my life with her after only 10 months. I have reservations but I think those issues can be “smoothed off” over time if we both put the effort into it. She seems very impatient when I tell her these things.
MissAsB: I’m open to marry someone I’m totally in love with. But I dont know if she is the right person yet… But she could be. Her pressure is obviously working against us…
Post # 10
That seems like a lot of pressure.. like things have been moving fast. Moving ‘slowly’ in without a serious conversation about living together and finances seems dangerous to begin with. It doesn’t seem if you’re even fully pleased with that move on her part. From your post, it seems like you truly like your gf, but it doesn’t seem like you really want to marry her out of over-the-moon happiness and love right now. And because of her fits (for lack of a better word), anyone could understand why. As the other bees said, be honest about your feelings. And if she threatens to leave, allow her to. And if she comes running back the next day apologizing, you should seriously consider your options…she doesn’t sound very emotionally reasonable at this point.
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
@CaptainTD: I think she is being a little pushy in getting engaged so soon (but I was engaged at the 6-mo mark, so who am I to say anything, lol), but I also do think you enabled her to think that way after allowing her to move in with no serious discussion beforehand. If you guys have a serious discussion now (do you want her to move out? how serious do you want to be after/if she moves out? etc…), she will get a better idea of what to expect from you. If she’s not receptive to this, I would say to break things off. To be honest, you never mentioned that you loved her. Have you two expressed this to each other yet? You also say that she’s nice to you and tries hard to make you happy and impress your friends, but not that she does make you happy or is your world, so I think there is your answer (although, I have no idea why you would care if she impressed your friends).
Post # 12
@CaptainTD: if you don’t know after 10 months if she’s the one, she’s probably not. I think it’s crazy of her to be pressuring you after only 10 months but I think you know whether or not someone is long term material after 6 months max. That doesn’t mean that as soon as you know they’re long term material you run out and go to the courthouse though. Being ready and knowing are two different things. I don’t think you’re either. Just break up with her and let her go.. you both deserve to be with someone that you’re eaach sure of.
Post # 13
@prisigtr: To be honest, you never mentioned that you loved her. Have you two expressed this to each other yet? You also say that she’s nice to you and tries hard to make you happy and impress your friends, but not that she does make you happy or is your world, so I think there is your answer
Oh, this. I knew something was off, and this was what I was sensing from your post, OP. Does she make you happy? Happy enough that you want to hang out with her for 50 more years?
Post # 14
Definitely talk to her about it. If she isn’t willing to see your side, then I’m thinking a marriage with her wouldn’t be in your best interest. She seems totally unwilling to compromise, which would be a huuuuge problem later.
Post # 15
@CaptainTD: I am a girl who freaked out around month 6 for a proposal.
I am 27, he is your age. I refuse to live together without a wedding date. I think you messed up having sex with her without being serious about your future. Then, you made it worse by letting her move in. She KNOWs your the one and you have more casual feelings. Now you either need to let her go or get serious.
I dont mean marry her, I mean give her a timeline you’ll stick to for deciding. Talk to her when she is calm about your feelings and ask her about her expectations. Ask her why she wants to marry you.
Post # 16
@bbsoon2be: I’m gonna have to disagree with you there.
I was with my ex for 10 months before I broke things off.
If you had asked me any time during the first 8 months, I’d likely have told you that we would definitely be getting married and that he was the one. It wasn’t until the last two months that I realized he was VERY wrong for me.
Often, feelings of ‘infatuation’ can last anywhere from 6 months to a year before they wear off, and that can greatly affect your judgment about whether or not you should be in a particular relationship.
I’m sure there are exceptions, but for most people, 6 months is NOT enough time to tell if someone is ‘the one’ or not.