(Closed) marriage regrets?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am so sorry you have been through this. Reading your post, I have a few questions. Why did he walk out – had you argued, are there problems in your relationship, or was it totally out of the blue the first time? Did he explain why he did it? How long were you together before he proposed? Was it his idea or did you push for him to do it? Hard to advise without knowing these things.

I have to be honest: if my fiance had done this once, I would have maybe, maybe been able to understand, if there was a really, really good reason. But three times? Honestly? Unless there’s a really good explanation, I have to wonder why you have stuck around this long, or why you think he’s the one.

And what I really want to tell you is to expect better, and to walk the hell out yourself.

Post # 5
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Sorry but why do you think he is the one if he behaves like this?

He sounds manipulative and confused. I would not plan a wedding with him, I would leave him or go to counselling. Sorry to be so blunt but I just think the way he is treating you is not okay.

Post # 6
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

What makes you think that if he ever does go through with marrying you he won’t up and walk out on you, or worse, you and your future children? What do your friends and family think? If they express concerns for you listen to them because they truly only want what is best for you. Honestly you may believe he is the one for you, but he clearly has had his doubts about whether you are the one for him… The right man will KNOW without a doubt that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Please do not settle for anything less!

Post # 7
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

if you insist that he is the one and won’t find someone new… then you should elope and have a quick wedding before he can run again.

 

i really think though… if you have to practically force him down the aisle, your marriage won’t last. my FI’s first wife was like your FI. she kept backing out of their wedding until he finally took her on a trip to visit his family and sprung the wedding on her as a surprise. the marriage lasted less than two years.

Post # 8
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

OP, I can’t help thinking you need to have more respect for yourself.

If my FI behaved like this, he would not still be engaged to me. Why do you keep taking him back? Do you feel you have to? Do you think it’s him or nobody?

Post # 9
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Cut your losses.  Seriously.  The man has walked out 3 times after planning to get married.  Once so late in the game that the invites had already gone out!  I’m honestly surprised you’re still with him at all let alone considering marrying him.  I don’t know you, him, or much about the situation so I won’t offer any more advice than this without further information.

Post # 10
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

It sounds like you and your FI need a serious heart-to-heart. It sounds like he’s going through a lot of emotions and thoughts that he’s not sharing with you. People don’t just up and walk away from a relationship/wedding out of the blue. He’s either not sharing with you what’s really going on or he doesn’t understand it himself. Either way, I don’t think he’s ready to be engaged. You could walk or, if you really think he’s the one, you could go back to just dating and take things slower. Maybe he felt pressured to propose because all of his friends are doing it and he’s getting old and thinks that’s where he should be at this age.

Post # 11
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@liliwo2016:  +1

I’m actually going to change my mind a little bit on this one since after thinking about it I realised I don’t know nearly enough to make an informed decision on this one.

@OP:  If you’re convinced he’s the one and you don’t want to leave, I think at the very least you need to get into some couples therapy.  It could be that you’re in a co-dependant relationship, or that he’s afraid of commitment, or that he’s having an affair, or that there’s other problems we don’t know about, or any number of other things.  There must be a reason you’ve stuck with him this long, so maybe I jumped the gun in telling you to bail when I don’t know the whole story.  Only you can decide what the right thing to do is, but on the surface with the limited amount of info you gave us it sounds like this guy is no good for you.  But, and this is a big but here, if you think it’s worth saving this relationship I think you really need to look into therapy for the 2 of you to see if you can work out whatever it is that’s going on.  

Post # 12
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

Wow! I’m really deeply, deeply sorry that you’ve had such difficulty. This must be terribly hard for you. Without knowing the details, if you are having to fight to marry this man, then that should be a red flag. I’d say something is wrong.

I do believe that where there is love, there is nothing that cannot be worked out. It all depends upon what is truly going on in the relationship. Sometimes our minds block this out. We cannot possibly accept the truth, because it could not possibly be true. Our emotions make our brains think things that aren’t true out of fear or self-protection or desire. For example, I would not accept the fact that I was in love with the man (who later became my fiance) for almost a year because I was so afraid of intimacy. Likewise, after a break-up it was very hard for me to accept that he might not have loved me the way I thought he did.

It can be very difficult to accept and even recognize the truth of what’s going on in a relationship when we are very close to it. 

What I would recommend is to try to get some quiet space alone. Try to detach and ask yourself what you know about him and yourself. Sounds cliche, but you surely have all the answers you need inside you! It’s not so much about discovering what you “should” do right now, but really understanding what’s going on, and then you’ll know right away what you want. Whatever is true will make you the happiest. So try to find it!

Post # 13
Member
9825 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

The person you marry is supposed to be the ONE person who will never abandon you, ever. The person who will stick by you no matter what. Through kids, job loss, illness, injury, anything.

No I would not willingly marry someone who had dropped me like a bad habit 3 times on a whim. You don’t walk out on the person you love.

Post # 14
Member
5985 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@firefly_123:  wow, that is awful. if he REALLY loved you the way you deserve, he would not keep breaking your heart. move on sweety this is not the one. Stop wasting your time so that you can find real love. best wishes Hugs!

Post # 15
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Sometimes we question when we already know the answer in our hearts. If you have to ask, then the answer is no you’re not meant to be with him.

Post # 16
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would have left after the 1st postponment, let alone the 2nd and 3rd.  Go with your gut. Mine would probably be saying he’s never going to go through with it. 

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