Marriage Troubles – Attitude, Truth and In-Laws

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
211 posts
Helper bee

bmgray2301:  sounds to me like you’re being overly sensitive. Seems like it’s just little white lies from your husband, nothing earth shattering? As for MIL, your wedding is over. just try to forget the sense if entitlement you had after she spent more money on her other children than on you. 

Post # 3
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

bmgray2301: I don’t understand why you keep trying. At the end of the day, sometimes the only way to win is to not play. 

You haven’t forgiven her because it still hurts. It sucks but it isn’t productive. 

Easier said than done but stop spending your emotional energy on someone who doesn’t appreciate or reciprocate. 

Post # 4
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

bmgray2301:  My husband also exaggerates sometimes, no clue where it comes from but his whole family does it. I have learnt to accept that because it is a fault and I have plenty of them to… In the end you need to accept your husbands faults or leave because he probably isn’t going to change. As for your MIL, try ignore it. I know it’s hard but it isn’t worth the drama… try see her a little lesss and then it probably wont bother you as much…

Post # 5
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

bmgray2301:  I think you need to find a clear way to resolve conflict with your husband for starters. I find it really frustrating when people’s response is to fly off the handle because a conflict should be about negotiating.

And please stop trying to please your mother in law. She is not the first mother to play favourites with  her kids. 

Just stand on moral high ground and be a civil grown up. No one can fault you for that, and the more dysfunctional she is, the more people will realise what an upstanding, forgiving woman you are. 

Post # 6
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

For starters, about the attitude problem. You have been married to him for 3 years now. I’m guessing you have talked to him about how he reacts to your bad days by now. Which means he either can’t or won’t change it. Ok, not too much of a problem. I know we all want our men to be sensitive and all, but sometimes it doesn’t happen. There are alternatives though. You could call up your best friend when you have a bad day. Hug a pet. Take a bubble bath (I am 26 and am never letting them go). Be your own stress relief. 

About his lies. They do seem to be white lies. You aren’t worried about cheating, which is great. My FH white lies all the time. I’ll ask him if he had a Twinkie, he replies with, “yeah it was great.” I’ll go to have one myself and find the box hasn’t even been opened. I have no idea why he does it, but they seem harmless to me. It may irritate you, but should not stress you by any means.

MIL: You know how she is by now. The wedding is over, so you shouldn’t be hung up on that stuff. I know it was probably stressful as hell when it happened. However, it is over. It seems like she for sure plays favorites. You can’t really stop that though. That isn’t going to change. I agree with PPs that you should spend less time there. Stop trying to get her to like you. Be nice, but don’t go out of your way. 

Hope this helps in some way. Stay strong.

Post # 7
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee

When it comes to comparing money and how much you got vs. someone else, this comparison will always hurt you the most.   I hate to say it b/c your MIL doesn’t sound like a nice person, but since it’s her money she can do whatever she wants with it — including offering to pay and then taking it back.  It’s a really sh*tty and low class thing to do, but this is not something you can hold over her head and still be mad at her for.  If I were you, I’d let the whole wedding money issue go.  

Regarding your DH and his white lies, I’m curious but weren’t you aware of this fact before you married him?  Unless you got married after only a week of knowing each other, this behavioral issue should’ve surfaced while you were dating.  It’s a really annoying trait, not one I myself could live with.  But if you’ve made a vow to accept him as he is, for better or worst, than at this point you need to also just accept your DH for who he is and let this go.

Post # 8
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

bmgray2301:  I’m surprised that most of the posters say him lying to you is harmless and no big deal. I expect honesty in my relationships and I wouldn’t appreciate being lied to repeatedly by my husband. That’s not ok, and neither is the way you guys argue. I really think you guys could benefit from counseling since these are ongoing problems.

As far as your MIL problems, they seem to revolve around her not paying for as much as you would have liked. Her money is hers to spend; just because she could have afforded your flowers doesn’t mean she owes it to you to pay for them. She can buy anyone she wants a sofa, doesn’t mean you guys are entitled to one as well. Not everyone is going to be treated (or liked) equally, that’s life. You need to let that go.

Post # 9
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Have you tried counseling? Even though your issues are minor, it sounds like they’re festering and will only grow into further resentment. I think if you had a 3rd party to calmly discuss your issues (ways to comfort, lying, MIL) with and can give you constructive ways to communicate and sort out your feelings, it would be extremely beneficial.

Post # 13
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee

bmgray2301:  It sounds like your MIL is someone who is addicted to playing the “victim” card.  With people like this, they always sh*t on the people who truly love them and are vulnerable to them (i.e. not as likely to fight back) and love to sing “Oh whoa is me, can you believe _______(insert name) did this to me after ALL I’ve done for them….” blah blah blah to anyone who’ll listen to them.  The messed up part is, deep down a lot of times they are desperately afraid they will lose the love of the person they’ve targetted, and instead of acting like a loving & decent human being, they’ll treat you like whatever you do is never good enough (either finding something wrong with it or comparing to other people) and if you show you’re upset, they’ll immediately turn around and play the “victim” card to everyone making you the bad guy.  And ultimately, when the loved one gets fed-up and leaves, it’s like their worst nightmare came true and instead of realizing it was their own hateful behavior that caused it, they will blame you for their pain and suffering.

Your situation is a difficult one to be in.  If I were you, I’d keep a physical and emotional distance from your MIL and stop trying to won her love and acceptance by being so nice.  It will be hugely beneficial to you and your DH to recognize that your MIL has an addiction to being a victim, and as such, make sure you guys have strong boundaries around what you will/will not tolerate in junction with not taking her behaviors personally.

Post # 14
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Mothers of sons are often very possessive and jealous. Your MIL probably feels like you “stole” her son from her. I don’t understand why you would apologize if you have done nothing wrong. My MIL can be very rude and even racist to me. While I am still gracious and polite to her, I would never apologize to my MIL for her behavior. There is no reason for you to take responsibility for other people’s actions. 

The bigger problem is that your husband doesn’t stand up for you. Do you ever ask him about that? I think that you need to make him understand how hurtful your MIL’s behavior is. My husband and I always discuss how we will handle rude comments from my mother before we see her. It helps. 

Your husband tells white lies. They seem harmless and I don’t think you have to worry about them. Children who grow up in abusive homes often become very sneaky in order to avoid punishment. I grew up in a family like that and I learned to hide things in order to survive. 

 

Post # 15
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Shina:  

+1000000

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