Post # 1
My husband and I have been married for 3 years now and the hardest thing for us is attitude. Some times we have our bad days and we take it out on one another. Instead my husband trying to comfort me or calm me down, I feel like he makes it worse. He will often say my name and ask why am I being like this in that attitude he gets when he is mad or angry. I don’t feel like I can be human. When he gets like that, I have to let him be him and I try my best to calm him down. It doesn’t always work but if I were to say anything back, I would be adding fuel to the fire. It sounds childish, I know but it something that we struggle with. I am constantly trying to be the bigger person. It’s exhausting!
There is something else too! I feel like my husband is constantly bending the truth. I don’t mean like he would cheat on me. We have actually spoken in detail about that and we have very strong beliefs about that. What I mean about bending the truth is he could say he saw 30 cop cars when there were only 5 cop cars that he actually saw. This sounds harmless but when we are faced with bigger issues it’s not so easy. I will ask him if he was able to do something and he will lie about it. I feel like he will lie because he doesn’t want to hurt me or it could be he is lazy and would rather say he did something then admit that he didn’t. I don’t know! I know he was faced with a hard childhood growing up and he often lied to his parents about things because the punishment was severe so he would rather lie then get hurt physically. I have assured him that honesty is always best and no matter what it is if it’s something simple I want to know the truth. We talked about this several times. I don’t want to sound like his mother. I just have a hard time trusting him now.
With that being said, his mother and I have issues. During the planning of our wedding, she made every part of the planning a complete diseaster. She backed out on paying things like my flowers for the wedding but only paid for the groomsmen flowers and it wasn’t a money issue. She wanted to invite her daughters dancing friends to my wedding when we had a tight guest list and we told her no. She offered to pay for them. Total cost would have been $600.00. That would have covered more than my half of the flowers. She didn’t get us a wedding gift not even a card. Her other son got married before us and she got them a sofa and paid for most of the wedding. She has told me that she feels bad for my husband and my true colors will come out. I could go on and on… We have made peace. Keep in mind, that I had to be the bigger person and talk with her and apologize for my actions and I wish I could have done things a bit differently. Maybe if I would have manned up and told her “Look this is my wedding, I am doing things how I want to do them and if you want to help thats fine.” I probably would have said that a lot differently then. She never came forth and apologized to me. She has said some hurtful words to me and I will never forget. I keep forgiving her but I am always thinking about it. I think about how she ruined everything. It’s still a challenge to go visit with his family. She doesn’t care about us. The only time she will care is if there is drama. Her daughter is her pride and joy and everytime we go visit it’s all about her. Not once does she ask about us. I have bent over backwards trying to get her to like me but I know deep down she doesn’t. You should see the way she looks at me when I’m dressed up. Her eyes go up and down from head to toe, judging me. It hurts! I have expressed this to my husband and he feels it too but he has dealt with this for so long so he lets it go. It just bothers me. My parents are so loving to my husband. They are always giving to us and expressing how much they love us. It’s just hard to deal with.
I know I sound negative right now but I truly love my husband deeply. I am just looking for positive suggestions and advice. Anything will help!
Thanks for listening,
Post # 2
bmgray2301: sounds to me like you’re being overly sensitive. Seems like it’s just little white lies from your husband, nothing earth shattering? As for MIL, your wedding is over. just try to forget the sense if entitlement you had after she spent more money on her other children than on you.
Post # 3
bmgray2301: I don’t understand why you keep trying. At the end of the day, sometimes the only way to win is to not play.
You haven’t forgiven her because it still hurts. It sucks but it isn’t productive.
Easier said than done but stop spending your emotional energy on someone who doesn’t appreciate or reciprocate.
Post # 4
bmgray2301: My husband also exaggerates sometimes, no clue where it comes from but his whole family does it. I have learnt to accept that because it is a fault and I have plenty of them to… In the end you need to accept your husbands faults or leave because he probably isn’t going to change. As for your MIL, try ignore it. I know it’s hard but it isn’t worth the drama… try see her a little lesss and then it probably wont bother you as much…
Post # 5
bmgray2301: I think you need to find a clear way to resolve conflict with your husband for starters. I find it really frustrating when people’s response is to fly off the handle because a conflict should be about negotiating.
And please stop trying to please your mother in law. She is not the first mother to play favourites with her kids.
Just stand on moral high ground and be a civil grown up. No one can fault you for that, and the more dysfunctional she is, the more people will realise what an upstanding, forgiving woman you are.
Post # 6
For starters, about the attitude problem. You have been married to him for 3 years now. I’m guessing you have talked to him about how he reacts to your bad days by now. Which means he either can’t or won’t change it. Ok, not too much of a problem. I know we all want our men to be sensitive and all, but sometimes it doesn’t happen. There are alternatives though. You could call up your best friend when you have a bad day. Hug a pet. Take a bubble bath (I am 26 and am never letting them go). Be your own stress relief.
About his lies. They do seem to be white lies. You aren’t worried about cheating, which is great. My FH white lies all the time. I’ll ask him if he had a Twinkie, he replies with, “yeah it was great.” I’ll go to have one myself and find the box hasn’t even been opened. I have no idea why he does it, but they seem harmless to me. It may irritate you, but should not stress you by any means.
MIL: You know how she is by now. The wedding is over, so you shouldn’t be hung up on that stuff. I know it was probably stressful as hell when it happened. However, it is over. It seems like she for sure plays favorites. You can’t really stop that though. That isn’t going to change. I agree with PPs that you should spend less time there. Stop trying to get her to like you. Be nice, but don’t go out of your way.
Hope this helps in some way. Stay strong.
Post # 7
When it comes to comparing money and how much you got vs. someone else, this comparison will always hurt you the most. I hate to say it b/c your MIL doesn’t sound like a nice person, but since it’s her money she can do whatever she wants with it — including offering to pay and then taking it back. It’s a really sh*tty and low class thing to do, but this is not something you can hold over her head and still be mad at her for. If I were you, I’d let the whole wedding money issue go.
Regarding your DH and his white lies, I’m curious but weren’t you aware of this fact before you married him? Unless you got married after only a week of knowing each other, this behavioral issue should’ve surfaced while you were dating. It’s a really annoying trait, not one I myself could live with. But if you’ve made a vow to accept him as he is, for better or worst, than at this point you need to also just accept your DH for who he is and let this go.
Post # 8
bmgray2301: I’m surprised that most of the posters say him lying to you is harmless and no big deal. I expect honesty in my relationships and I wouldn’t appreciate being lied to repeatedly by my husband. That’s not ok, and neither is the way you guys argue. I really think you guys could benefit from counseling since these are ongoing problems.
As far as your MIL problems, they seem to revolve around her not paying for as much as you would have liked. Her money is hers to spend; just because she could have afforded your flowers doesn’t mean she owes it to you to pay for them. She can buy anyone she wants a sofa, doesn’t mean you guys are entitled to one as well. Not everyone is going to be treated (or liked) equally, that’s life. You need to let that go.
Post # 9
Have you tried counseling? Even though your issues are minor, it sounds like they’re festering and will only grow into further resentment. I think if you had a 3rd party to calmly discuss your issues (ways to comfort, lying, MIL) with and can give you constructive ways to communicate and sort out your feelings, it would be extremely beneficial.
Post # 10
spiffanee: I don’t think anyone can truly imagine what my MIL put me through. It’s not about the money thing. She deliberately seeked out to not pay for my flowers. When we told her no to adding people to the guest list she offered to pay for them to go to the wedding. She was also suppose to pay for our rehearsal dinner. She backed out and we ended up not having one. Everything that I did to make my day special (mostly my mom did) she ruined it. She turned it around on me and my mom and made us look bad. When really this special time was suppose to be about my husband and I. The planning with my mom was suppose to be special also. It wasn’t! Everything I did was wrong. This is an ongoing problem with her. She constantly puts me down. Back to the flowers, I don’t think it has anything to do with her money and what she spends it on and blah blah. She did this on purpose. She did not want to help me and my special day. No gift, no special wishes not even a hug good bye after we got married. She just left! She still does things like this to me too and my husband. I have such a hard time dealing with it.
About the arguing, it’s not an ongoing thing. I feel like it’s stupid things. If I could learn how to swallow my pride sometimes maybe it would work out better. Someone had mentioned about me being over sensitive. Maybe that’s what I am being. I just wish sometimes I could be human and get away with having a bad day.
Your right we could probably benefit from counseling. We’ve talked about it but this isn’t something thats major and is taking over our happiness. Overall, we are really happy! I just want to work out these kinks to make things even better for us!
Thanks for responding!
Post # 11
ExcitedScaredBee: This is something I have thought about. Thank you!
Post # 12
Shina: This is a constant thing though with money. My sister in law has a boyfriend and my MIL raves about him all the time helping out and such. Keep in mind, they are 16 years old. My husband has always helped his family. He literally has bent over backwards for them and for his mom to slap him in his face. Back to the boyfriend, I found out the other day that she is paying him to work around the house. He came out an openly said it “How much have you paid me so far?” My MIL’s face like to dropped. I don’t think she wanted us to know that. As soon as we would walk in to visit, she would rub in our faces how he is building this and that. Then come to find out, he’s being paid for it. No wonder why!
Another thing, when we were engaged and about to be married, my husband was going to come onto my insurance policy. We found out that his mom was charging him for more than half of what he should be paying on his insurance. He was paying her on the side of $400.00. We found out the total cost of 3 vehicles was around 450.00. We asked how much he should be paying seperately and the cost was around 150.00.
What is wrong with that???!!! It’s personal!!! I don’t understand that!!! I like to think myself as a good person. I am seeking God and truly trying to live by his will. I’m not perfect but when I have wronged I always apologize and seek out forgiveness. My intentions are to never hurt anyone. And even after all my MIL has done I still manage to put a smile on my face and want to visit. A couple times I have hosted family night with his family. It’s just extremely hard sometimes. As my 3 year anniversary approaches, I am thinking about everything with the wedding. It’s been 3 years and I still havent gotten my wedding pictures. Does that say anything?! Apart of me doesn’t want to look at them. I wish I could show you what she has put me through and still is but I can only speak and sometimes thats not enough.
Thanks for responding!
Post # 13
bmgray2301: It sounds like your MIL is someone who is addicted to playing the “victim” card. With people like this, they always sh*t on the people who truly love them and are vulnerable to them (i.e. not as likely to fight back) and love to sing “Oh whoa is me, can you believe _______(insert name) did this to me after ALL I’ve done for them….” blah blah blah to anyone who’ll listen to them. The messed up part is, deep down a lot of times they are desperately afraid they will lose the love of the person they’ve targetted, and instead of acting like a loving & decent human being, they’ll treat you like whatever you do is never good enough (either finding something wrong with it or comparing to other people) and if you show you’re upset, they’ll immediately turn around and play the “victim” card to everyone making you the bad guy. And ultimately, when the loved one gets fed-up and leaves, it’s like their worst nightmare came true and instead of realizing it was their own hateful behavior that caused it, they will blame you for their pain and suffering.
Your situation is a difficult one to be in. If I were you, I’d keep a physical and emotional distance from your MIL and stop trying to won her love and acceptance by being so nice. It will be hugely beneficial to you and your DH to recognize that your MIL has an addiction to being a victim, and as such, make sure you guys have strong boundaries around what you will/will not tolerate in junction with not taking her behaviors personally.
Post # 14
Mothers of sons are often very possessive and jealous. Your MIL probably feels like you “stole” her son from her. I don’t understand why you would apologize if you have done nothing wrong. My MIL can be very rude and even racist to me. While I am still gracious and polite to her, I would never apologize to my MIL for her behavior. There is no reason for you to take responsibility for other people’s actions.
The bigger problem is that your husband doesn’t stand up for you. Do you ever ask him about that? I think that you need to make him understand how hurtful your MIL’s behavior is. My husband and I always discuss how we will handle rude comments from my mother before we see her. It helps.
Your husband tells white lies. They seem harmless and I don’t think you have to worry about them. Children who grow up in abusive homes often become very sneaky in order to avoid punishment. I grew up in a family like that and I learned to hide things in order to survive.