Weddingbee boards

Hi all,

This is my first time posting here. I got married last October (2010) and have been happily enjoying my life but recently something happened which I feel really bad about.

We had six bridesmaids in our wedding.  One of them has been my friend since 6th grade.  We work in totally different industries and we don't have any mutual friends, but we've always managed to keep in touch and I really considered her one of my closest and oldest friends.  You know how there are some people whom you just feel are super solid, that you can always count on your friendship even if you don't see each other for a long time?  That's how I've always felt about B. 

So, she was in my wedding and it was great.  She didn't know any of the other girls in the bridal party, but a lot of them didn't know each other and it wasn't really a big deal at all.  She said she had a great time and obviously it meant A LOT to me having her there with us at the wedding. 

After the wedding I mailed out my bridesmaid gifts and thank-yous and I got a sweet text from her thanking me for the gift, etc.  I texted back.  Everything was fine and friendly and normal.  A few months went by and we weren't really in touch, which is normal for us -- we live in different cities and are both very busy -- my husband and I moving into a new place, and she and I are both in grad school, plus we live on different sides of the country.

So this past summer I realized it had basically been since my wedding that we'd gotten to do any real catching up, so I called her and left a message for her to call me back, said that I missed her and we needed to have a phone date soon.  She called back and I answered.  We were chatting and everything was fine, she sounded happy and she mentioned that she and her BF (actually her fiance, unbeknownst to me) were moving in together.  I said that was great news and said that I didn't want to pry, but I was wondering if they were thinking about marriage anytime soon.  She kind of paused and said, "We're engaged."  ... I was like, "OH, wow!!" I congratulated her and asked her when it happened -- turns out it had happened MONTHS ago, in March.  I was a little confused but I let it go and we had a long chat about wedding planning, wedding stress, etc. 

After I got off the phone I realized that I felt really bad about the fact that I didn't know that she was engaged, especially after she was JUST a bridesmaid in my wedding.  I kind of waited for the bad feelings to pass, but they didn't, so I wrote her an email.  In the email I explained how I was feeling and said that I was confused as to why she didn't tell me.  She wrote back and said that she had called me when she got engaged but that I didn't pick up, so she left me a voicemail asking me to call her back.  Well, I didn't get the message.  This part may very well be my fault.  I have a really old and crappy phone and I keep my ringer turned off 99% of the time, so it's totally possible that I missed her message or deleted it accidentally.  Anyway, the bottom line is that she didn't try to reach out to me again after that ONE phonecall.  She said in the email that she "didn't want to chase me." She could have easily sent me a text, an email, or a message on facebook, but she didn't do any of these things.

I wrote back and said that I was confused because if I had such huge news to share with someone and I hadn't heard back from them I would probably follow up with a text or an email or another phone call -- SOMETHING.  I also said that I didn't know if she had picked her bridal party yet but that I couldn't help wondering and feeling bad about the whole situation given that she had JUST been IN my wedding less than a year ago.  I explained that I did NOT want to cause drama and that it's not about being a bridesmaid vs. not being one -- it's just about the friendship, and the fact that I was feeling hurt that she had hardly made any effort to let me know about this HUGE thing that was happening in her life.

She wrote back and said that she had indeed picked her bridal party and that I was not in it.  Her explanation was vague and diplomatic.  I said that I wished she had at least maybe called me up and talked to me about the whole thing.  I don't need to be a bridesmaid, but I certainly would have appreciated her taking a few minutes to tell me that I wasn't going to be in the bridal party and just to kind of reaffirm our friendship and explain her reasoning... because obviously I would be wondering whether she was going to ask me.

So basically I'm feeling like she's made a statement about our friendship with her actions -- one that is VERY surprising and hurtful to me.  First she made very little effort to share the news of the engagement with me, then she decided not to have me in her bridal party AND to not talk to me about it, and then when I called her and we were catching up she didn't even mention ANY of it.  I feel like we could have gotten off the phone and I STILL wouldn't have known if I hadn't asked the question about whether they were thinking about marriage. 

I just cannot understand how this has happened.  I feel TOTALLY overlooked and excluded.  It seems so obvious to me that if you were JUST in someone's wedding (someone you'd been friends with since 6th grade!) and then you yourself were getting married, that you would include that person in the news.  I can't imagine being someone's bridesmaid and then getting engaged myself and A) not telling them, and B) not talking to them about the fact that they didn't make the bridesmaid cut, if that were the case.

I know a lot of people feel like the wedding process should only be about the bride and what she wants, but in this case I feel like she just BLATANTLY didn't bother AT ALL to ensure that my feelings weren't hurt.  It would have been SO easy for her to make sure I knew she was engaged, and then to let me know if I wasn't going to be asked to be in the bridal party.  

And yes, of course I am hurt that I didn't make the cut, but to me the main issue here is her total lack of communication about any of it.  Had she made the effort to make sure I knew that she was engaged and to have a talk with me about the bridesmaid thing, I would have just sucked it up and gotten over it.  As it stands, though, I feel AWFUL about the whole thing.  When I think about my own wedding, now, I'm like, why did I even ask her if our friendship apparently means this little to her?  I mean she SAYS that she cares about me and our relationship but right now I just don't see it.  She knows that I am upset and she hasn't made any effort to call me or anything.  She's written back to my emails but that's it.  It's like there has been NO reach-out whatsoever.

I'm sorry that this was SO LONG but I felt like I needed to really explain the whole situation.  If you read this far, I thank you!!  I would love to hear any reactions to his, especially if anyone has been in a similar situation.  Thanks ladies!

PS -- I feel the need to also mention the fact that I have NEVER had ANY drama with her in the past.  This is absolutely the first time in like fifteen years of friendship that anything like this has ever happened.

Thanks for the replies, ladies..

I certainly hope no one gangs up on me, because ganging up on someone on a message board is kind of mean and silly, isn't it?  Frankly I don't see what the grounds for that would be anyway.  I'm just here explaining that I feel bummed about the way a friend has acted!

As for her bridal party -- who knows.  She has no sisters, I know that much. 

Basically I'm just appalled at her lack of effort to include me and I wanted to hear from others who have been through the wedding process.

lefeymw, I agree -- I wish she had just declined my invitation to have her in my bridal party. 

I also want to reiterate that the main sticking point for me is NOT the bridesmaid vs. not a bridesmaid issue, and I have explained that to her as well.  What I take issue with is the fact that she neglected to reach out to me about ANY of it -- the engagement, the whole thing.

@redhead46: Wow, thank you for sharing that, it does sound VERY similar.  I feel the same way, like I can't really imagine going out of my way at this point to reach out to her any more, especially since I already tried to have an open conversation about what had happened and she kind of rebuffed me.... politely, but still.

I think what's happening now is I'm just processing the feelings and coming to terms with the fact that our friendship is not what I thought it was.

I'm sorry that you went through this too, it really does suck. 

@MrsNeutrino: Yes, that is it -- exactly.  It's just the disregard for my feelings.  I went throught the engagement and wedding process too and I somehow managed not too blow off any of my close friends!

Thanks ladies.. I know there's no one-size-fits-all when it comes to these things. 

@delirium.megans -- I agree about the getting older thing and I have been thinking about this a lot lately. 

@glittermoon -- I totally understand about the not wanting to brag thing.  I am the same way to some extent.. I don't like to shout things from the rooftops.  However my gut tells me that that wasn't the issue in this case.

I really appreciate everything you guys are saying.  On the upside, I am VERY thankful for all the great friendships I do have... and this at least makes me appreciate those relationships even more.

@spaniel: I hear you.  If she felt that way, though, I wish she would tell me!  And honestly I don't think anyone is more guilty than the other of not trying to keep in touch, prior to this whole thing.  We would always check in with each other periodically and when we did talk on the phone and/or hang out it was always really good and we picked up right where we left off.  Shortly before we moved to the west coast we hung out with her and her fiance a couple of times, just the four of us... so it's not like there was no history or that we didn't know him, or hadn't seen them in forever, etc.

@spaniel: I gotcha, and thank you! :)

I know there's probably no clear cut solution here... I think I just needed to vent, and to talk to other people who know what it's like specifically to be a bride and/or a bridesmaid.  Just getting it off my chest and knowing I'm not crazy for feeling so hurt about it is really helpful.

Wow AND I just looked at her FB page and it looks like she deleted the congratulations comment I left on her wall right after I first found out they were engaged over the summer.

Now I officially have NO IDEA what is going on in her head.

There are other posts on her wall pertaining to wedding stuff/congratulating her... so yeah.  Wow.

You ladies are very helpful and I really appreciate all the feedback.

@pinksapphire -- She didn't delete another congratulations/wedding/engagement comment from the same day I left mine.  She also has recent comments on her page from one of the BM's about going dress shopping soon.... so it's not that she's trying to be discreet, unfortunately. 

@courtney1188 -- I think you could be right about the stalling thing... my husband brought that up as a possibility.  Still, though!

And again, for me it's not about being a BM vs. not being one... it's the totality of the situation that has made me feel so bad.  I think even if she hadn't asked to be one, BUT she had taken the time to get in touch and tell me they were getting married, etc, I would feel differently.

Frankly I'm really shocked about the deleted comment.. it seems totally uncharacteristic of her.  This whole thing does.  But I'm wondering if maybe we had grown apart more than I'd realized and perhaps our values and ideas about friendship are just very different.  I take my friendships really seriously... I'm a very sensitive person and when I give of myself I give 100%. 

I also don't really think she's just trying to considerate because of the physical distance/travel issue, because one girl who I'm 99% is one of her BM's lives several states away from her.

I just feel like for her to delete that comment, which I left a while ago, she must be upset with me... and I'm confused as to why, because ALL I did "wrong" was miss a voicemail from her... and then confront her about the whole thing.  She said in one of those emails, though, that she felt we'd "both dropped the ball" -- implying that I had dropped the ball somehow by not getting her message!

When I wrote to her about all of this I was NOT aggressive, I was really nice, just honest about how i felt, but I made it clear that our friendship is very important to me and that that was why I was bothering to talk to her about it in the first place.  She said that our friendship is very important to her too, but I'm just not getting that feeling based on her actions.

I hate that this is happening and I hate this aspect of weddings... I felt so happy that I'd gotten through my own wedding without any major drama and I'm just really surprised that something like this is surfacing now.

Just because you both view the friendship differently, does not mean that she doesn't value the friendship.  I have friends that I am very close to that if I were to rank my friends in a list they would fall close to the top but if they were to rank theirs, I might not fall as high depending on who their other friends are - maybe they have known others longer, have more in common or whatever.  It doesn't mean that we shouldn't be friends.  As to her not telling you about the engagement, I agree she could have made more of an effort BUT who knows what she had going on in her life, you stated in your post that you both have very busy lives and that you go for long periods without speaking...when she called and you didn't respond, maybe she thought that you were busy being a newlywed and with other committments and that since she was not going to ask you to be in the bridal party, that following up with you was not as important as time sensitive as taking care of other wedding plans - figuring she would catch you up later.  As to the not asking you to be a bridesmaid  - this is a tricky thing for brides (as you might have encountered yourself) and is something i dealt with.  I did not ask one of my good friends that I have known for over 10 years to be in my bridal party and when she asked why not, it was awkward and I did my best to explain without hurting her feelings but to tell you the truth it would have been easier had she not asked and just assumed that if I didn't ask that she was not in.  My reason for not having her in my bridal party was not a numbers thing as I had a BP of 20 (10 girls, 10 guys).  I chose family first then closest friends, people I had not known as long as her but ones who I hung out with everyday as opposed to her who I saw occasionally.  Also at the time I got engaged and was asking my BP, she had just had a baby, so I was also thinking of her - being in a wedding is a time and financial committment and I didn't want to ask her, knowing she would accept and put her in a bad situation (she ended up attending the wedding but in lieu of a gift - which she could not afford, she is giving me cooking lessons - something I value alot :) - but had she been a BM she would have not be able to afford the dress and wedding related expenses and we both would have felt bad).  The same might be true for you - maybe she was thinking of your busy schedule and financial obliagtions. I don't think that just b/c you asked her to be in your wedding that she has to ask you to be in hers otherwise she's is not a good friend.  If your friendship has lasted this long and was working prior to this incident, I would say chalk this up to a misunderstanding and make more of an effort to keep in touch with this friend if you want a more substantial friendship.