- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2010
This is my first time posting here. I got married last October (2010) and have been happily enjoying my life but recently something happened which I feel really bad about.
We had six bridesmaids in our wedding. One of them has been my friend since 6th grade. We work in totally different industries and we don’t have any mutual friends, but we’ve always managed to keep in touch and I really considered her one of my closest and oldest friends. You know how there are some people whom you just feel are super solid, that you can always count on your friendship even if you don’t see each other for a long time? That’s how I’ve always felt about B.
So, she was in my wedding and it was great. She didn’t know any of the other girls in the bridal party, but a lot of them didn’t know each other and it wasn’t really a big deal at all. She said she had a great time and obviously it meant A LOT to me having her there with us at the wedding.
After the wedding I mailed out my bridesmaid gifts and thank-yous and I got a sweet text from her thanking me for the gift, etc. I texted back. Everything was fine and friendly and normal. A few months went by and we weren’t really in touch, which is normal for us — we live in different cities and are both very busy — my husband and I moving into a new place, and she and I are both in grad school, plus we live on different sides of the country.
So this past summer I realized it had basically been since my wedding that we’d gotten to do any real catching up, so I called her and left a message for her to call me back, said that I missed her and we needed to have a phone date soon. She called back and I answered. We were chatting and everything was fine, she sounded happy and she mentioned that she and her Boyfriend or Best Friend (actually her fiance, unbeknownst to me) were moving in together. I said that was great news and said that I didn’t want to pry, but I was wondering if they were thinking about marriage anytime soon. She kind of paused and said, “We’re engaged.” … I was like, “OH, wow!!” I congratulated her and asked her when it happened — turns out it had happened MONTHS ago, in March. I was a little confused but I let it go and we had a long chat about wedding planning, wedding stress, etc.
After I got off the phone I realized that I felt really bad about the fact that I didn’t know that she was engaged, especially after she was JUST a bridesmaid in my wedding. I kind of waited for the bad feelings to pass, but they didn’t, so I wrote her an email. In the email I explained how I was feeling and said that I was confused as to why she didn’t tell me. She wrote back and said that she had called me when she got engaged but that I didn’t pick up, so she left me a voicemail asking me to call her back. Well, I didn’t get the message. This part may very well be my fault. I have a really old and crappy phone and I keep my ringer turned off 99% of the time, so it’s totally possible that I missed her message or deleted it accidentally. Anyway, the bottom line is that she didn’t try to reach out to me again after that ONE phonecall. She said in the email that she “didn’t want to chase me.” She could have easily sent me a text, an email, or a message on facebook, but she didn’t do any of these things.
I wrote back and said that I was confused because if I had such huge news to share with someone and I hadn’t heard back from them I would probably follow up with a text or an email or another phone call — SOMETHING. I also said that I didn’t know if she had picked her bridal party yet but that I couldn’t help wondering and feeling bad about the whole situation given that she had JUST been IN my wedding less than a year ago. I explained that I did NOT want to cause drama and that it’s not about being a bridesmaid vs. not being one — it’s just about the friendship, and the fact that I was feeling hurt that she had hardly made any effort to let me know about this HUGE thing that was happening in her life.
She wrote back and said that she had indeed picked her bridal party and that I was not in it. Her explanation was vague and diplomatic. I said that I wished she had at least maybe called me up and talked to me about the whole thing. I don’t need to be a bridesmaid, but I certainly would have appreciated her taking a few minutes to tell me that I wasn’t going to be in the bridal party and just to kind of reaffirm our friendship and explain her reasoning… because obviously I would be wondering whether she was going to ask me.
So basically I’m feeling like she’s made a statement about our friendship with her actions — one that is VERY surprising and hurtful to me. First she made very little effort to share the news of the engagement with me, then she decided not to have me in her bridal party AND to not talk to me about it, and then when I called her and we were catching up she didn’t even mention ANY of it. I feel like we could have gotten off the phone and I STILL wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t asked the question about whether they were thinking about marriage.
I just cannot understand how this has happened. I feel TOTALLY overlooked and excluded. It seems so obvious to me that if you were JUST in someone’s wedding (someone you’d been friends with since 6th grade!) and then you yourself were getting married, that you would include that person in the news. I can’t imagine being someone’s bridesmaid and then getting engaged myself and A) not telling them, and B) not talking to them about the fact that they didn’t make the bridesmaid cut, if that were the case.
I know a lot of people feel like the wedding process should only be about the bride and what she wants, but in this case I feel like she just BLATANTLY didn’t bother AT ALL to ensure that my feelings weren’t hurt. It would have been SO easy for her to make sure I knew she was engaged, and then to let me know if I wasn’t going to be asked to be in the bridal party.
And yes, of course I am hurt that I didn’t make the cut, but to me the main issue here is her total lack of communication about any of it. Had she made the effort to make sure I knew that she was engaged and to have a talk with me about the bridesmaid thing, I would have just sucked it up and gotten over it. As it stands, though, I feel AWFUL about the whole thing. When I think about my own wedding, now, I’m like, why did I even ask her if our friendship apparently means this little to her? I mean she SAYS that she cares about me and our relationship but right now I just don’t see it. She knows that I am upset and she hasn’t made any effort to call me or anything. She’s written back to my emails but that’s it. It’s like there has been NO reach-out whatsoever.
I’m sorry that this was SO LONG but I felt like I needed to really explain the whole situation. If you read this far, I thank you!! I would love to hear any reactions to his, especially if anyone has been in a similar situation. Thanks ladies!
PS — I feel the need to also mention the fact that I have NEVER had ANY drama with her in the past. This is absolutely the first time in like fifteen years of friendship that anything like this has ever happened.