Married 2 months… I am a breadwinner now. VENT

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@O.My.Heart:  So disappointing!  Sometimes you have to buck up and keep working at a lousy job while going to school or securing another opportunity.  But I also understand wanting your spouse to be happy and pleasant to live/deal with on a daily basis.  I am also the breadwinner in my relationship and I sometimes get grumpy that I don’t have the luxury of quitting my job when I’ve have a bad week because we wouldn’t be able to pay our bills.

Post # 5
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@O.My.Heart:  I completely understand how you feel.  FI and I got engaged in July and started planning our wedding.  He came home a couple weeks later and told me he decided he was leaving his job and wanted to become self-employed, it was something he thought of for quite awhile.  Trying to be as supportive as possible I told him if that was what he really wanted than he should go after his dreams.  We have a mortgage, debt and wedding to pay for but he promised me he would make it work.  Well for the first two weeks he worked non-stop at his company, than nothing literally nothing for 3 weeks.  I would come home and he would be playing video games, nothing would be done at home, he’d leave me to respond to emails for the business.  I became very resentful, I was working full-time covering all of our bills and he was at home in his words “trying to figure out how to get the company up and running.”  I took vacation time for my job and spent it working full-time for the company he was trying to start up, and now he’s in school for a couple months.  He decided he was going to try and get EI since he’s a registered apprentice, even though he quit his job.  It’s frustrating but you’ll get through it trust me.

I used to work for Service Canada/EI and if your DH can provide a medical note from his doctor stating that he was depressed and that the depression was caused by his job, there might be a chance he could get EI medical benefits for 15 weeks.  He can try afterwards to change to regular benefits since he won’t be returning to the previous job since the stress caused his depression.  The other thing he can explore is Second Career.  It’s funded through Employment Ontario.  Depending on where you are in Ontario there are a number of different places that administer Second Career, if you go to the Employment Ontario website and select services in your area, it will tell you the closest Employment Ontario Service Delivery Site.  Second Career could potentially completely pay for his education, plus provide him with a cost of living expense.  The total funding can’t exceed $28,000 and the program can’t be more than 2 years in length.  Usually you have to be laid off to qualify but they do make exceptions for individuals who can not due their previous job because of medical reasons.

Post # 6
1549 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I love my husband and I want him to be happy and I HATE that he hates his job so much but i would NEVER in a million years let him just up and quit his job without having another one lined up. He needs to own up and get a job WHILE he’s looking for work or going to school even if its just part time. (collecting unemployment doesn’t count) He’s got a wife to support now. He wanted to quit now he has to deal with the consequenses… he’s gotta put on his big boy panties and deal with it.

You need to have a serious talk to him about getting a job and helping you. Its not about you making “more” money… its about you making ALL the money. Thats not fair to either of you and I don’t blame you in the least for being upset. Don’t just stuff all these feelings away or your going to start resenting him. He can’t sacrifice your future because he wasn’t happy with his job. He CAN go to school AND work… thats what adults do.  Encourage him to find a job that he loves… but force him to be an adult and get a job… Bills have to be paid and he needs help you. He can’t have any toys or any fun whatsoever if he doesn’t get a job.. thats just how life works.



Post # 7
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2007

@O.My.Heart:  I love my DH, and want him to have a job that he loves, but he is absolutely not allowed to be unemployed. If he wants to quit this job, fine, but he needs to have another job lined up and definitely needs to give proper notice so he can use his job as a reference. 

Though we would survive on my income alone, he still makes more than I do by quite a bit and I would not be comfortable being the breadwinner. DH isn’t happy with his job right now, and is also looking to get his technician certificate. However, he will be working and getting his degree at the same time. I don’t think that’s unfair to ask, since I’m also working full time and going to college full time.

DH also suffers from depression, but he is a wonderful, hard-working man and would never leave the burden of financial responsibility solely on my shoulders. I would not do that to him, either. I don’t love my job (it’s a job while I’m working on my degree, but it’s not a career), but it’s income and it provides us a cushion to save and I would never just quit because I was unhappy- I would either do something at that job to make myself happy, or I would be job hunting every day until I found a job that I do love.

If DH decided to quit without even attempting to look for another job, I would be livid. I would also probably tell him that he either needs to find a job ASAP, or move out.

Post # 8
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@O.My.Heart:  I’m sorry you’re dealing with this so soon after getting married! When you’re in it for the long haul, you really need to start thinking about how to make moves as a team. I know you gave your husband your blessing to leave his job, but prior to him making that decision, he really needed to sit with you and communicbout about your long term plans as a couple.

A few years ago when I graduated undergrad, I put off going to law school because the funding given to me to pursue grad studies/work as a researcher lightened the financial burden on my FH and allowed him to focus on developing his career. I HATED my job, but I stuck it out for three years. Now I’m in law school and my FH is in a spot in his career where moving laterally is very risky, so he’s sticking it out until I’m done. It sucks that he’s miserable, but he knows that as a team, this is part of our plan. 

While retraining might be a great idea for your husband, is it a great idea for both of you? You need to be fully on board and believe in him 100% or your relationship will breed even more resentment. On the other hand, if he doesn’t get to follow his own dream, he will resent you in turn. The best thing to do is to sit down and literally draft a five year plan so you’re both on board. That way, you may each periodically experience hardship in your daily life, but the end goals will be worth it once you get there!

Post # 9
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@O.My.Heart:  Girl I know how you feel.  My fiance just lost his job a couple weeks ago, he wasn’t fired but his position was eliminated a long with a lot of others.  He has no idea what he wants to do, no leads, no experience except for in his old particular field that doesnt have my job opportunities.  I am now the breadwinner and we are planning a wedding for next year.  he asked me how I felt about living a middle class to upper middle class lifestyle but being in between those two and maybe never getting to have a boat, or a timeshare and just being content with having a 4 bedroom house, with taking one vacation a year.  Basically knowing that we won’t ever have the kind of money some of my friends have with a $130,000 joint income they have with their men.  I told him I would be ok with it but I still want him to work hard and be as just as ambitious as me.  It’s a hard situation bc I am realizing that he doesn’t have the drive that I have, and I may always make more money than him.

The good thing that comes from this is that our men will always be so sweet to us as far as doing more chores, laundry, vacumming, cooking dinner if we are the breadwinners or from what I have experienced.  It is kind of nice having him take care of you, like how a wife in the 60’s would take care of their men, lol.  Just keep him motivated and look for opportunities for him.  Encourage him to reach out to old friends and network, bc u never know when a referral from a friend could get him a new job.  Hope it all works out.

Post # 10
9019 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Kate0558:  +1. 

@O.My.Heart:  My rule is: You don’t work, you don’t eat.  Lol. 

Seriously, though – it’s called work because it is  work.  It’s not fun, it’s not easy, it’s not something most people want to drag themselves out of bed every day to do.  But we do it.  Why?  Because there are bills to pay.  It’s simple and easy. 

And, OP, your husband has just set the precedent for you supporting him for who knows how long.  You agreed, and I * kind of * understand why you did, because you want him to be happy.  I get that.

But he is not looking out for your  happiness equally.  I’m sure you didn’t expect him to be irresponsible.  I’m sure you were taking the high road hoping he’d rise to your standards and expectations.

But he didn’t.  Chances are good that he won’t. 

I hope I’m wrong but – in my first marriage many, many years ago, after I’d been married to the guy (now divorced from) for about two months I came home from work one day to find he’d quit his job.  He was unhappy, he didn’t like his boss, they pressured him too much, wwaaahh wwaaahh. 

Ok, so me trying to be the nice, supportive wife said, “Ok, honey, well I’m sure you will find something new QUICK, because you are so awesome.  Smiles!” 

How wrong I was.  I came home day after day, week after week, to a “depressed,” unshaven, unwashed slovenly dude who’d sat home playing video games all day. 

Oh, hell to the no.  After the third week I went ballistic on him and told him if he did not find a job THE NEXT DAY I was moving back in with my parents.  I didn’t care what or where the job was; I told him to find a fast food job making minimum wage, but find something with a regular paycheck because I. am. never. supporting. any. man. financially. alone. EVER.  Well, he didn’t want to lose his wife of two months so, guess what?  He found a job – the very next day.

Put your foot down, OP.

Post # 11
5767 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Honestly I would put my heart and soul into supporting his desire to go back to school. Electricians make very good money; it’s a great career, and 2-3 years will go by in a flash. Plus he may be able to get a paid apprenticeship while he’s still in school, so you might not be the sole breadwinner for the whole time.  It’s much better to invest in a good, solid, long-term career than to try to put a band-aid on things, because there never is a convenient time to go back to school for most folks, but if you make that investment now, it will pay off for many years to come. 

For yourself, it’s okay to feel negative about having this extra responsibility put on you and having to change your visions of the future, but it’s not okay to resent your husband for wanting to change careers.  There are going to be many times in a marriage where one partner or the other needs to shoulder the load, and in the end it all balances out; next time it will be your burden that you are asking him to carry, and while it’s okay to be frustrated by it, you have to learn to accept the challenges and move through them as best as you can.

Post # 12
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Sorry you’re going through this. Given this and your previous posts about him, he sounds extremely immature. He has to realize that marriage is teamwork, not an opportunity to take advantage of your spouse whenever he can. 

He broke his end of the deal by not giving notice. He may not realize it now, but that will greatly affect his chances at future jobs. His references will not be good and he will have to explain why he left. I’m not sure unhappiness and conveniently having a new spouse to support him will land him a stellar position. 

He needs to grow up and realize his actions affect more than just himself now. Hopefully the electrician courses work out. Good luck.

Post # 13
802 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest

@Kate0558:  +1

If he is doing apprentice work, luckily they get paid while they’re in school and once they’re done they start making the big bucks. 

I would be really frustrated too… because he is completely changing your plans. Now you can’t pay down your debt or buy a house, or TTC. That changes everything!

It’s not like he got laid off or let go for something he couldn’t control. This was a choice. 

Why is he suddenly depressed about it? He should feel free! It just seems to me that he really needs to find something that might not be ideal… but he at least likes, until he can pursue what he loves. 

Collecting EI is for people that get laid off, people who can’t work, etc. 

I really don’t want this to be harsh, but collecting EI in his situation when he is perfectly capable of working is selfish. Selfish as a husband, and selfish to all the people’s taxes that go to paying him out of not wanting to buck up and be an adult! 

Post # 14
3199 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@O.My.Heart:  i feel you, believe me. BUT he does not have to go to school and not work. my friend works full-time as an electrician – started out as a helper and has gradually moved up to managing jobs – and also went to school part time to get the electrical degree, whatever it is. he finished in 3 years.

i’m in a similar position as you, i am the breadwinner and am pretty bitter about it. this isn’t really the life we agreed upon when we started planning our wedding, and i never saw myself as the breadwinner of the family. FI’s delaying getting a real job has delayed all our other goals (house, kids) and its really making me miserable.

so i’m here to support you, girl! just talk to him about maybe working while going to school! he can bring home decent money as an electrician (my dad is one). 🙂

Post # 15
2783 posts
Sugar bee

@O.My.Heart:  there’s no way he can get unemployment, he gave them two weeks notice. I’m sorry you’re going trough this ):

Post # 16
1258 posts
Bumble bee

Ugh. My fiance is currently in school doing an apprenticeship. He’ll be done in May. But boy, it makes me so nervous sometimes. I think I’m more excited for him to be done and working full time than he is! Haha. 

It sucks that he was not more responsible and didn’t stick to the “plan” you guys had talked about. Give the 2 weeks notice and then get your ass onto finding a new job. 

Also – not to put a damper on the EI business for your sake, but I don’t think you can apply for EI unless you have been let go. He fullout quit/resigned. Unless he can get a doctor’s note saying he had to for a medical reason…I don’t think he will be eligible for any benefits. 

Therefore a big talk is needed. He needs to figure out exactly what he wants to do. If that means going to school for an electrical program that doesn’t start till next year…then guess what, between now and then he works somewhere. Be it Tim Horton’s, Wal-mart, or at temp jobs. Make some money and sit on it. Yes you can make it on one income, but if you two weren’t prepared to do so, then it’s a big shock. you have every right to be upset and frustrated.  

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