Post # 1
Yeah, DH & I have only been married 5 months, but I’m at my wits end lately.
Before we got married, he said he wanted to have kids soon. Now that we’re married, he goes back & forth between talking about how much he loves babies & making me think he wants them… to saying it would be too stressful and he’s not ready yet. All I want is to be a mom, so this is driving me insane. I don’t think he will ever tell me he’s ready to start “trying.”
I do all the housework/cooking. It doesnt matter whether I’m working fulltime or part time, because I still do everything. I could understand if I was a housewife, but I’m not. I still work, and I have to pick up the house all the time.
We have 3 animals, my dog & 2 ferrets we got a year or so ago. He used to help me feed/take care of the ferrets… now I can’t remember the last time he helped. They were his idea to get, yet he doesn’t help me. Go figure.
All of this combined & he doesn’t understand why I’m not just dying to have sex with him all the time. Maybe if I had a little help around the house?
So yeah, I just felt the need to vent. I don’t understand why he’s being like this.. I try talking to him about stuff but it doesn’t help.
Post # 3
I’m sorry to hear 🙁
When you say you try talking to him… what approach do you take?
It sounds like you two need to have some one-on-one time to just hash things out. How does he feel about how the marriage is going so far?
Post # 4
It sounds like you have different expectations about marriage and/or miscommunication going on. From what I’ve heard this is pretty common for newlyweds to go through. Have you guys thought about doing couples counseling?
Have you told him how you feel in a non-confrontational manner or asked to divide the chores up fairly? I’m guessing you probably have but maybe something like, “I feel disrespected and unloved when you do not help me with the [insert chore here]. Instead of feeling like your wife I feel like a maid.”
What is his parents’ marriage like? I think oftentimes we inadvertantly decide what marriage is supposed to be like based on our parents’ marriage so that might be worth examining.
Also, (last thing, I promise!) have you examined your own expectations? Does he think you have too high of standards when it comes to food/cleaning/etc? Do you think your standards are high? Maybe he doesn’t pitch in because he figures you wouldn’t be happy with the results anyway.
I wish you both the best of luck. I know that sorting through these issues can be tough!
Post # 5
@Cinderella24: perhaps this calls for a more structured living arrangement. Like chore wheel structured?
Post # 6
If he won’t help around the house now or help with the pets, don’t expect him to help if you have a baby together; he won’t. Reexamine how happy you’d be as a mom if you had to do it all by yourself.
Post # 7
@bunnyharriet: This is exactly why I don’t want kids. Like the OP, I do everything. And even though my FI says he would most definitely help with a child – I came to the conclusion that he likely wouldn’t. Maybe at first. But it would slowly revert to me doing everything. Plus raising a child, and that ain’t happening!
@Cinderella24: Heed the above words!
Post # 8
Same here. Aside from not wanting to raise a child, I know I would do everything for the kid. Pass!
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Have you had a calm, rational, well-reasoned conversation with him about these issues?
Post # 10
Have you gone to couples counseling? I would suggest it.
Aside from that, EVERYONE I know has said their first year of marriage was the worst year of their entire relationship. All the married people I know say if you can make it through the first year, you can make it through anything. So don’t despair – these problems are very similar to those many of my married friends have had and they all managed to work them out.
Post # 11
@distracts: Wow. I don’t have any married friends so I’ve never heard that. I guess it’s similar to all the stuff people say happens after a baby that you don’t expect lol I’ll have to keep this in mind once I’m married
Post # 12
The first year does seem to be an adjustment period. Don’t give up yet! It’s ok if he’s not quite ready for a baby, give him a chance.
as far as you doing everything it sounds like maybe you need to be specific about what he needs to do tell him the ferrets are his responsibility going forward, as are a few other things he can do to help out. Also if there ARE things he does, don’t forget about them. I do a lot around the house and sometimes I get frustrated and feel like my husband does NOTHING compared to me which isn’t actually tRue. He feeds the dog the majority of the time, buys the dog food at the pet store, does the dishes and most of the laundry, etc…. But when I constantly organizing or decorating etc because I want to, I get resentful that hes been on the couch all day, which isn’t fair.
Post # 13
Cinderella24: “I have to pick up the house all the time.” No you don’t. If you’re doing all the housework it’s because you’re choosing to do the housework over the other options. What other options, you ask? Here are just a few, some of which might be acceptable and some of which might be unacceptable. But they are options:
- Live in a messier home
- Develop a chore chart so you each know what is expected and can do your chores at your own pace (within a pre-defined timeframe such as “every day” or “tuesdays and thursdays” or “once a week” etc)
- Ask you husband for specific help when you need the help, such as “will you please empty the dishwasher?” or “if you gather up all your dirty socks, I’ll wash them for you” or “I have to work late — will you please do the grocery shopping?”
- Tell him how it makes you feel when he doesn’t help, and ask him for ideas on how to even out the load.
- Hire a maid.
- Leave him.
Post # 14
You must be really unhappy, because all of your comments on the Bee have been nasty.
Post # 16
@Cinderella24: I have no words of wisdom, just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I’m going through almost the same exact thing. Only difference is I stay home and though I’m fine with doing most of the housework since I don’t work outside the home, in the past month or so my health has been not so good and he hasn’t lifted a finger to help me out and it seems like when I’m having a particularly rough day it feels like he’s got sort of ailment out of nowhere. I was diagnosed with shingles last Friday, which I apparently had for at least 10 days and he had a tummy ache and couldn’t clear the sink of dishes aloan lad the dishwasher @@ Ugh.