(Closed) Married a few months and I need help.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@someonelikebee:  Have you thougth about talking to a sex therapist? I would be beyond mortified for my family and strangers to hear details of something so personal. Maybe a liscensed sex therapist can help you out.

Best of luck hun.

Post # 4
Member
899 posts
Busy bee

Wow that’s a lot to deal with I’m sorry for you. I think you should really be seeing a therapist whether it’s with your husband or alone. You said it wasn’t working out with the last person but I would stick with it and find someone else. That’s too much to deal with by yourself.

Stay strong!

Post # 5
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m so sorry for what you had to go through. While I don’t condone what your ex did, I’m very angry that the police and prosecution had to drag you through all of that. Do they even think of how many people they affect, just to “make their case?” It’s despicable. 

How are your new counseling sessions going? Can you bring your husband with you?

Post # 6
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

So you mean that your ex had racy/intimate photos of you that were shown at court? That would be extremely humiliating, I can only imagine. But it sounds like you’re taking the right step by seeking out counselling. It sounds like it will be a necessary step to help heal the wounds and trauma from the court case. Keep working at it and be gentle with yourself. It would be hard to be intimate after such events, so go easy on yourself.

All the best!

Post # 7
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Oh my god.  You poor thing, your description of that trial (and what that b*tch prosecutor was doing!) sound seriously traumatizing.  No wonder you’re having intimacy issues: a whole room full of people including your parents (!!!) were forced to see pictures of you being intimate!  That is seriously nightmare-level trauma.  That prosecutor ought to be sued and run out of town! 

The only thing I have to offer is that your husband sounds very understanding and like he’s aware there’s going to be a weird period for you guys and your sex life, until more of this is behind you.  I would really recommend going to the couples’ counselor as soon as you feel ready, and if that’s not going to be for a little while, maybe he could see someone on his own?  If there was someone – other than you, for whom it seems very triggering to talk about this – who can help walk him through what sort of issues you might be facing while recovering from this incident, and how he can support you, and learn how to trust that you still love and want him, but can’t handle sex or pressure for intimacy right now.  

It’d be great if you could see a sex-positive counselor, someone very sympathetic and pragmatic who can actually get you guys talking specifically about this difficult stuff.  A difference in libido doesn’t have to be a relationship killer, but to make it work (until your libido comes back) you – that is, both of you – really need to be embarassingly specific about your needs.  Maybe there’s some intimate activity you guys can pinpoint that would make him feel loved but wouldn’t be triggering for you; maybe giving him a massage or something lower-stakes like that.  It doesn’t have to be sex to be intimate, if that’s what he’s lacking; if it’s a matter of orgasms (fair, too – peeps have needs) then it’d be great to get that out in the open and figure out a plan that keeps everyone taken care of.  Maybe you give him a couple hours of alone time a week with his computer/whatever so you know he’s handling business and don’t feel guilty about not having enough sex for him.

I’m just spouting off here.  I hope your individual counseling starts helping you get over this.  In my (limited) experience, counseling makes things get worse before they get better.  But really, pretty soon, they should start getting better…you shouldn’t have to endlessly repeat the gory details.  If that progress is not happening for you, I urge you to find another therapist.  It’s really a personal thing, and if you don’t feel 100% safe with the person – physically, emotionally, honestly – then it’s going to be hard to ever make the strides you need.  Your brain seriously will not let you, it only works if you feel safe.  Best of luck on the hard road ahead, I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through!

Post # 8
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m so sorry! I agree with PP about therapy. Maybe there’s a way to bring your husband into your new therapy sessions (but not every time), or work with a sex therapist to understand what’s going on/how to get back to where you want to be. 

Best of luck! 

Post # 9
Member
741 posts
Busy bee

That’s pretty intense. How can we support you through this? Are you getting individual therapy as well as couples therapy? It’s going to be a process.

Post # 10
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds truely horrible. I think you should put the blame on who deserves it though – your ex. By doing something illegal you were both opening yourself up to an investigation at some point. There could always be some problem with the other evidence, so the prosecutor’s job is to collect and present as much evidence as possible. You were put in that awful position by your ex’s illegal actions. The prosecutor was just doing her job, which is to punish those who take advantage of minors. I’m truely sorry that you were a victim of this process.

I think you’re doing the right thing by being open with your FI and a therapist. Best of luck in your recovery. 

Post # 11
Member
46153 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I hope your therapy helps. As traumatic as the trial may have been, prosecutors have learned that they must put all the evidence they have on the table. Otherwise some jury may either bring in a not guilty verdict or recommend and inappropriately short sentence seeing this loser as a first time offender.

I hope you will someday be able to understand how unhealthy your past relationship was. A 26 yr old dating, then having an intimate sexual relationship with someone 10 years his younger, clearly has preferences for young girls. You were abused even if you cannot admit it yet. That was not a healthy relationship.

Post # 12
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m so sorry. I also agree that sex therapy may be useful in a way that regular therapy isn’t. I don’t know, but it couldn’t hurt.

Post # 13
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

@someonelikebee:

I think you should see a sex therapist.  Your feelings are completely understandable.  I suggest you don’t just have sex just to please him because it’s not fair to him.  You’re his wife and he wants you to make love with him not just be there to only pleasure himself.  You are very lucky to have such a great guy.  I think you should have your just you therapy one day and sex therapy a different day.  It’ll help you have your you time but still help this issue in your marriage.

Your poor husband is probably confused because it’s hard to understand how someone can want sex one second but not the next so suddenly.

I hope things get better for you.

Post # 14
Member
12831 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

(Disclaimer: I work in law enforcement and have studied both adult and child sex abuse extensively; I have a graduate degree in criminology with a focus on forensics and investigative techniques)

I’m so sorry you felt humiliated by the court process. Most victims, especially those of sex assault, feel some sort of control and balance restored in these situations when they get to tell their story in open court, but that first means you’d have to view yourself as a victim, which you don’t seem to.  I’m sure the prosecution wasn’t trying to humiliate you, but to present the image of your ex-boyfriend as a pedophile/hebephile who deserved to go to prison.  You are right under the Federal Sentencing Guidelines that you may not have been “necessary” in a sentencing term, but the established pattern does create an aggravating factor, which seems like the reasoning behind the prosecution’s belief that you should be involved.  The established and documented pattern makes it easier to give him a longer prison sentence. 

However, getting life under the Guidelines is pretty extreme.  I am curious if there were other factors contributing to it than you mentioned, but that’s besides the point.

I agree with PPs that you should consult a sex therapist, or, a general therapist at the very very least.  Continue working with your victims advocate.  Try to get your husband as involved as possible, and make sure he knows it’s not about him, this is about your own issues that need to be worked out.  If he’s as good of a man as you say, I imagine he will be understanding and want to help you work through this rather than making you feel pressured.  I wish you the best of luck!

Post # 15
Member
463 posts
Helper bee

You’re right that you have to figure out what caused the problem. It sounds like your husband wants to help you figure things out, so I think you should try to go to couple’s counseling with him if you can.

Since your ex ended up being a perv to a 13 year old, you probably meet with almost complete disbelief about the non-skeeviness of your own relationship with him. I assume there’s a lot of pressure not to defend your own actions.

It sounds like you want to defend your actions though, which I can relate to. I had a relationship with a much older guy at 17 and I knew damn well what I was doing. I imagine I would be unhinged psycho angry in your situation. Like seriously thinking about inflicting physical harm on the prosecutor.

Were you angry? Were you allowed to get angry, or stand up for yourself, or defend your actions? If your previous counseling was just running over the same emotions you had during the trial etc. then maybe it’s not helping because you’re still stuck being pressured into not defending yourself.

Personally when I am bottling up an emotion, I often want to avoid sex because then I would likely let it out in some involuntary, awkward, ugly way. Sometimes the experience of sex brings up other feelings that I didn’t want to have to confront, or that I feel guilty for having in the first place. Maybe a bit stereotypical but it can happen in real life.

I hope you can resolve this and get back to enjoying life with your husband!

Post # 16
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

First of all I am so sorry you had to go through a trial. I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling. I am currently working on a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and I have seen some people benefit from both individual and group (in you case couple’s) therapy. But I would not push yourself into both if you are not ready. I really think its great you are back in therapy again and it may be beneficial for your husband to attend some kind of support group. There are typically groups for family and spouses of those who have been through traumatic events. Ask your couselor. They may know a few places. 

It sounds like your husband really loves you and may be a little concerned, as he may feel out of the loop. Maybe you two could set a side some time for you to share whatever you feel comfortable with, even if its just an update on how your progressing through therapy. I don’t know if sex therapy would be beneficial or not because it may be more of an emotional issue rather than a physical issue. Maybe your counselor can give you some direction on this.

Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck.

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