(Closed) Married almost a year and it's hard

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2015

*hugs*

I’m so sorry that you have to be going through all that drama in your life. It definitely isn’t fair but this is what makes a person stronger in the long run. I see that you mention that you have communication issues within the marriage and that your husband is a bit resistant to the idea of counseling. Have you ever considered going on your own? Maybe with the counseling you can get some professional advice from someone in a calm environment and an objective standpoint. In a marriage, its all about compromise but you shouldn’t have to be going through this alone. I wish you the best of luck and peace.

Post # 5
Member
11226 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@brandee71611:  I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

There is so much that I want to say to you, and I don’t want this to end up being ultra long, so I’m going to try to do this in bullet-point form.

* First, you are not alone. The first year or even the first few years of marriage can be very overwhelming and difficult for people. Each of us brings so many hopes, dreams and expectations into marriage, and, when the reality of everday life collides with our own, individual agendas, the result is often not very pretty. In fact, it can be downright painful, even devastating, at times.

* As you already know, your husband’s family situation is not a good one.  It pained me to even read the way that his father treated him and his brother. I cannot imagine growing up in an abusive home. As anyone would expect, your husband has been very affected by what has happened to him, and he is going to carry a lot of that emotional baggage into the marriage.

* You, too, have brought your own set of issues into the relationship. Even those of us who did not come from abusive backgrounds still have issues from our families of origin that end up surfacing in marriage.

* I am so glad to read that you are seeking God! That is SO wonderful! I am a strong Christian who has been walking with God for more than 30 years.  I am even married to a pastor.  However, my husband and I also have had a LOT of challenges to overcome in our own marriage, and some of them were enormous. I cannot imagine where either of us — or our marriage — would be today without the mighty hand of God.

* I very much agree with the prior poster that you and your husband are going to need counseling to help guide you through this very difficult process. Because you are a person of faith, I strongly, strongly encourage you to attempt, if at all possible, to find a licensed, professional counselor who also shares your faith. I think that will be very helpful to you. And, if your DH does not want to go with you, choose to go alone for awhile.

* If you are a Christian, and even if you’re not, I would also like to recommend the following site that offers a lot of very helpful resources to people who are struggling in their marriages: http://www.familylife.com.  DH and I have attended some of their conferences, and I’ve read some of their articles on marriage. I’ve found that this organization has some very useful resources.

* Finally, if you ever want to “chat,” please do not hesitate to private-message me through Weddingbee. 

HUGS!!  
 

Post # 6
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Wow, that sounds like such a difficult situation for you! I second the idea about counseling for yourself…if nothing else, it might provide you with coping strategies and ways to handle difficult situations with your husband and his family? I know that you don’t want to burden your mom, but if your mom’s anything like my mom, she would want to help! Is it possible that you two would be able to support each other as she deals with her health problems, and you, your husband? I do want to stress that if you find yourself ina situation where your husband’s outbursts escalate, or you start to fear for your safety, make a plan and get out. I really, really hope that doesn’t happen, but don’t let yourself become trapped, okay? I don’t have any real advice, but I’m sending my positive energies your way!!! I really, really hope things start looking up for you soon 🙂  

Post # 7
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

the first year is the most challenging because you’re getting used to each other; every month is a learning process, one thing I learned is communicate, commmunicate, communicate,and compromise  make your needs known and learn to solve problems together

 

if you are bitter about chores, you need to communicate and express and come up with a suitable compromise, other wise resentment builds up and you get into fights

if something is bothering you you have to express yourself; if you are not happy with the way things are you have to come up with a plan together with the hubby

when there’s a breakdown in communication, that’s when needs get left unattended anger builds up; also do happy things in your life work on the issues with hubby and also find things you enjoy in life as well to take your mind off things; given the history of abuse, looks like you’re going to have to be a stronger than the average wife too, there’s a reason why you both came together, don’t lose sight, marriage is work!

good luck!!!you can do it!

Post # 9
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@brandee71611:  I read the comments above and I feel like alot of good advise has already been given. I dont really have anything to add, other than to say that I hope that this situation that you guys are in will be resolved soon. Sending you lots of positive energy 🙂

 

Post # 10
Member
11226 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@brandee71611:  I’ve heard great things about that book, so, yes, I believe it will help.

I have a couple of questions.  First, is your DH also a Christian (i.e. although he may not be acting in a very Christian manner right now, has he ever, at any point in time, surrendered his life to Jesus?) Next, do you attend church (either alone or together)?

If you are already involved in a good, Bible-believing church, perhaps your pastor could recommend a good Christian counselor?  If not, I would literally look in the telephone book (online or the actual book) and see if you can find a good Christian counselor in your area.  If there are multiple such counselors listed, pray and ask the Lord to lead you to the one He has for you.  I’ve been to counseling several times in my life, and, each time I’ve needed to find a good, Christian counselor in my area, God always brought me to one.  His Word says He is “no respector of persons” so, He will do what he did for me, for you! 🙂

There is another fabulous book about marriage that I highly, highly, highly (did I mention highly?!?! 🙂 recommend that Christians read.  It’s entitled Love & War,  by John and Stasi Eldridge.  (You may have heard of them.  He wrote, among other books, Wild at Heart, and she authored Captivating.)

I was married for only about a month when I found myself up to my eyeballs in challenges and conflict, and I was FLOORED that a Christian woman who had waited on God for MANY years to meet and marry the RIGHT person would find herself — married to a wonderful, Godly man — yet STILL be experiencing what I was experiencing! I was literally crushed. I am not young, but I’d never been married before, and, boy, let me tell you, going from “happy, single, never-been-married, living-on-her-own-for-25-years, successful career woman” with her own house, tons of friends, a fabulous church, a number of wonderful Christian connections, and living in a thriving metropolis, etc. to “instant pastor’s wife and stepmom of multiple kids,” commuting each week between two states until I could sell my house, trying to adjust to life in a small town in a very rural area, learning to deal with the complexities of child-custody-schedules and having a husband who worked all or parts of all seven days a week and, when we wasn’t working, was caring for or spending time with his kids, decompressing with his hobbies, or exhausted/sleeping was a train wreck just waiting to happen. I did not even know what had hit me.

Thankfully, God put it on the heart of one of my two best friends to send me a letter John Eldridge had written to his ministry’s supporters about this book, and, when I read the letter, I knew I had to read that book.  I ended up mentioning it to another of my friends who was still relatively newly married and who also was experiencing a lot of conflict in her marriage. She ended up buying the book, giving me the CDs, and, WOW. That book REALLY, REALLY addresses a lot of the behind-the-scenes forces that are working to destroy marriages and how we often unknowingly end up cooperating with them, to our own detriment. I found that book to be extremely eye opening and very helpful.

Post # 11
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m sorry about your DH.  The first year is hard getting adjusted to being “one” with your spouse.  I think counseling (either for yourself or both) is a great idea. 

I’m not what one would call “religious” but I do pray daily….sometimes multiple times a day.  To me, God is my best friend and he knows me better than I know myself.  I went through some pretty hard things in my previous marriage (to include his family and my mom’s health) and I realized one day that praying for things to change wasn’t gonna help me…I resented the fact that my prayers weren’t being answered.

I started praying for STRENGTH and nothing more.  I honestly believe that is what got me through everything and I continue to pray for it daily.  I also try to find something, anything that happened during the day to be thankful for….it could be beautiful weather, no traffic, someone who was nice, etc.  By changing my mindset and thinking positive, the negative things don’t get me down as much anymore. 

Big giant ((HUGS)) to you!

Post # 12
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@brandee – I totally agree with @brielle.  My DH and I have only been married 3 months and I can’t say that we’ve hit many obstacles yet.  But, I think part of it is that my DH is really coming into his own as this amazing Godly man.  He was always awesome, but it just keeps getting better. So, I think that eases up conflicts a bit.  But, I know conflicts will come and I just cannot imagine facing them without God right in the middle of our marriage.  At church this week, we heard a testimony from a woman who made some really bad choices, had to face some really terrible consequences, and now has turned her life around in ways that are simply amazing.  She stated repeatedly that her experience has taught her that no person is too broken, no situation too far gone, to be radically changed by God.  If you invite him into your heart and  marriage, He will not leave you the same and you will see positive change.

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