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I know a lot of people probably don't share my views on this, but if you are literally having panic attacks about the ceremony, why not get a doctors appointment and ask if she'll prescribe you some Xanax? You could start taking it now (it's not an everyday medicine, it's on an as needed basis) when you are feeling anxious and if you NEED to you can take one on the big day.
I would say go for it at the rehersal dinner if everyone is ok with it, I would also maybe check with the parents. My FI considered getting married a week before the wedding due to a crazy sister saying she would object at our wedding. However after thinking about it I really wanted our wedding ann. to be the actual day I walked down the aisle. Your's would be the night before though so it wouldn't be so far apart.
I got EXTREMELY nervous thinking about this.. I felt nauseous just thinking about it. Afraid I would freeze walking down the isle cause of everyone looking at me. At the actual ceremony, it actually didn't feel like I was on stage or that "everyone was watching me". Seriously, its NOT "as bad" as you think. Everyone on here told me the same thing, & I still kinda doubted... but everyone was right. You just look at your groom when you walk down the isle & look at him the entire ceremony. You won't even notice how many people are there (I had about 225 people at mine). It was probably the least stressful time I've ever been in a large group of people. I get nervous just standing in front of a class or my church, but I wasn't nervous at all during the wedding. All that stress you think you'll have "goes away" once you start walking down the isle & afterwards you realize you were stressing beforehand for nothing. You'll be fine :)
If you want to get married at your rehearsal and not on your wedding day because your anxious about all eyes on you... you'll still have to walk down the aisle the next day at your actual wedding. so whats the difference?
I am going to 2nd the Xanax. That and some deep breathing should be enough. You will be nervous on your wedding day, but I do think you will regret it if it's just a "play". There could also be backlash at a later point when people find out.
Would you tell the bridal party or try to be super-secret about it? Would you have a rehearsal rehearsal?
I think there is enough stress the day before the wedding that you don't need to add to it by actually getting married at the rehearsal. My wedding day was so calm and beautiful because it was my wedding day. It's not something you'll want to miss, and I do think you would regret getting married at the rehearsal.
It's not scary to walk down the aisle and stand in front of everyone. It actually is amazing to look at all of the smiling faces of your loved ones and know that they are there supporting you.
I'm just a bit confused about your idea. Don't you still have to walk down the aisle of a crowded church the next day? You'll still be the center of attention, no? I imagine having panic attacks about it all is hard to manage so if you truly think this will help, then why not. As long as you and your FI are ok with it. I just fear that you'll wake up the next day and still be at the same stress level.
I don't think you should go ahead with getting married at the rehearsal. For one, your minister probably wouldn't allow it, since you are effectively deceiving your guests. Second, how will you even know what to do, since you won't be actually be having a rehearsal then? Finally, it will be extremely obvious that the actual ceremony is being performed at the rehearsal, so everyone is going to either figure it out or be very confused. They never run through everything line by line at the rehearsal. It's more like, "Walk forward, now you stand here, we'll say some things, now you hand her this, now turn and walk, no not that fast." And if I were a guest, I would be upset about being deceived.
Your rehearsal is not the place to get married. They are usually disorganized and confusing with everyone trying to figure out where to go. Also.. it is VERY uncommon for people to actually say their vows at the rehearsal... you usually just do a walk through. Also, since you would want to hide it from people you would have to control your emotions and pretend like nothing special was happening. I think you would really regret it.
I agree with the others - please clarify your intensions. It's a little late to regret the guest count and venue. Have you spoken to worked with anyone about anexity issues? Is this a new thing just wedding related or larger? At nothing else speak to FI and father to help you calm your nerves for the ceremony. In my experience I looked at almost nobdy except DH & officiant the entire time. It's your big day, you're suppose to be nervous!
I agree. You'll still have to walk down the aisle. If you didn't want all eyes on you why didn't you just have a family only ceremony and then invite guests to a reception at a later time?
I think a lot of people would be disappointed to find out that you were already married (since that's the point of coming to the ceremony). And people WILL find out. Someone will let it slip.
Is your dad escorting you? If not can you walk with your FI? Then it's not like everyone is staring at you. Or could you do something were he walks in from one side of the altar and you walk in to meet him from the other (instead of walking down the aisle)?
DO NOT get married at the rehearsal. You will regret it later on, people will find out and be ticked at you for deceiving them, and you still will have to be the center of attention at the "fake" wedding the next day! There are zero positives to your idea. As others have said, the rehearsal is never a full run-through anyway. It is just stand here, move here, walk this way, etc.
Also, as serabell, as nervous as you may think you'll be, it all goes away when you see your groom at the end of the aisle. I never noticed the 150 people sitting in the pews. I was just focused on my DH. No one else mattered.
I almost had to do this and it's still an option but for different reasons, my fmil is sick with cancer, and may not be able to attend, currently though things are looking as though she will make it to the wedding! Wee!
But anyway, back to the topic at hand--even if I was going to get married the night before I'd still be nervous as hell the next day anyway--being married or not doesn't change stage fright. If it is what you want to do, I would talk to your family and your officiant about it--ours was completely ok with it if it had to be done, but in order for it to be legit you MUST get your wedding license to say the actual day you are getting married, so in this case it might be the 3rd instead of the 4th, if that's the path you choose to take.
I know what it is like to be nervous, but it's such a short amount of time, it will be over before you know it!! Just focus on the fiance, he'll get you through it :)
Well I guess my thought was if I already was technically married maybe I wouldn't freak out as much! and think it could be nice to have the special secret between us. But i completely understand I will still have to make the walk!
I'm going to talk to my FI when he get back in the country and hopefully he can help calm me down.
This is a very new thing! I have never had anxiety attacks before, but had it in my car today which made me really nervous i was going to crash, and had to pull over... it' was kinda a big one!
I know that part of it all stems from the fact that I'm walking down the aisle with my brother (not exactly someone who can calm me down... especially since he might actually start crying since he will be stepping in for my dad who died when we were young)
I am just going to see how things play out i guess... I really just don't want to get in the church freak out and freeze!
I really don't want to regret it, and i want the day to be special, i just don't know how to deal with the anxiety (i have never had anything like it before) I even used to do quite a bit of acting and was president of my class so speeches where the norm... for some reason this seems so much scarier!
@kadzokimbia: Normally the best cure for anxiety would be to speak to a psychologist who specializes in anxiety disorders, like phobias and OCD type things. But since this is just about a specific situation that has a definite ending point (your wedding), I agree with some of the above posters, an anti-anxiety drug like xanex is probably just the trick, especially if you are so anxious that you are having panic attacks. I take klonopin when I can't talk myself out of the anxiety or if I feel a panic attack coming on, and it really has helped. The lowest dose just takes away the fluttery anxious feeling and lasts for a few hours, similar to taking tylenol for pain. I was never into taking medications, but it has helped me when I needed it.
I was very nervous about the thought of walking down the aisle and as I was getting ready the morning of the wedding, I was growing more and more nervous. HOWEVER, my husband and I decided to do a first look - just the two of us and the photographers. It was the best decision for us! I relaxed so much after seeing him. I literally was not nervous for the ceremony. Just another option to consider :-)
After thinking about it, having a first look before the ceremony might be the perfect medicine... just thinking about it has calmed me down! I will have to talk with FI when he returns but I think that will be a great way to start the insanity! a nice moment for US!
after all it is supposed to be our day right!
My son has Asperger's, which makes him very nervous about his own wedding. When I mentioned this to my psychiatrist, she immediately offered to prescribe him something. The only thing I would caution you is that you should probably try it out beforehand, on a day that is not your wedding day. If it turns out it makes you sleepy or something, you really don't want to be falling asleep at the altar!
It also sounds like the first look may help.
This is only one day; do what you need to to get through it as painlessly as you can. Since your anxiety is only about that day, it's not like you have some life-altering issue that you need to resolve.
I agree with having someone (Dad or FI) walk with you. Also you could find a way to make the ceremony shorter so you know you will not have to be in front of everyone for that long. And we are doing the 1st look and im so glad because then we will have time to talk and relax a little together. I feel like everything will be so hectic once the ceremony starts that i will really appreciate that time for just us beforehand. Also, try to think of somethings that you can do during the ceremony to help you relax like a funny story or something to distract you from the anxiety.
This reminds me of the flashback episode of "Mad About You" when Paul and Jamie got married and both their families were making them nuts fighting to control all the details of the wedding. So the night before, in the middle of the night, Paul grabs Jamie and they find a constuction worker in the street who happens to be ordained and asks Jamie if they can just get married right then. In the middle of the night, in the streets of New York City, with just the two of them and some strange construction worer.
Jamie goes, "but what about the wedding? My dress, all the flowers, the cake, the seating charts ..."
And Paul waves his hand as if at their families and and says, "that's all for them. This is just for us."
(I'm such a sap. I'm tearing up right now.)
The point is, your own small moment could be sort of cool and beautiful. And no one would ever have to know.
I am afraid you may look back and regret it, and my biggest fear is regret, so in my opinion, I would just wait until the big day. You will be walking in front of everyone anyway, and I'm afraid it would diminish your wedding day, you only get one. But that's just my opinion :) maybe practice your vows with him ahead of time to get you more used to them and more comfortable?
Do not get married at your rehearsal! My sister was really nervous about walking down the aisle too...she said she just focused on her husband the whole time. And I do think getting Xanax is a good option. If you do get Xanax make sure you try it out before your wedding, just to make sure it goes over well. Otherwise, take a benadryl the night before your wedding to make sure you get a good night sleep.
I am going to jump on the bandwagon of take the xanax or clonopin. I have suffered from panic attacks for several years and when my anxiety gets really bad...I go back to the psychiatrist and he/she prescribes me clonopin. It is basically the same thing as xanax. I only take it on an as needed basis. I have thought about getting some for my wedding day just so I can ensure that I am my most calm. However, I shold caution you that you really shouldnt drink on it if you have never taken it before. You need to see how it affects you first! But I would highly recommend this - it will take all of those anxious feelings away and you will just be calm!
Drink some valerian tea and do some yoga to keep your nerves under control. Our rabbis said if we were married first they'd have to say something a little different at the ceremony since they wouldn't be legally marrying us. So people would know. If it's a walking down the aisle issue I agree with others that getting married early won't matter, and might just make it anti-climatic for you.
Thanks everyone!
I really think that if we can see each other before i will be much better! the thought of it just calms me down! while my mom is not very keene on the idea, i have to remind her that the tradition started with arranged marriages, to prevent the groom from splitting :) i am not really worried about that!
Not thrilled about the idea of taking anything... medications usually don't set well in my stomach but so long as my FH is ok with seeing each other before i think I will be fine! (give me a little reminder of why I love him! he can always calm me down!)
I was pretty nervous about the whole wedding. I cried almost every day leading up to it that people would be looking at me, and judging me, or hating what I'd worked so hard planning, and was day dreaming about potential "accidents" that could prevent it from happening (like Uncle Jesse on Full House when he jumped from that plane and landed in the tomatoes and got arrested, and almost didn't make it to his wedding. I thought that was a stellar plan).
On the day though, everything was fine. You won't even notice the people looking at you, I almost promise.
wow i didnt realise so many brides felt this much nerves about the ceremony itself..
My fiance (now husband) and I decided to see eachother and take our professional photos prior to our ceremony. It was perfect! I was much more relaxed walking down the aisle because we had already gone through the shock of seeing eachother for the first time. Our photographer (and our guests) actually loved the idea of doing our pictures prior to the ceremony for various reasons a) our photographer didn't feel like he was rushing for time because our ceremony wasn't going to start without us, and he didn't feel like he had to rush to get up to the reception on time (we were still early for our ceremony and everything went off without a hitch). b) Our guests were apperciative of the fact that they didn't have to wait for hours between the ceremony and dinner.
I would seriously consider, at the very least, stealing a few minutes with your groom BEFORE walking down the aisle....it will take the edge off!
My other piece of advice, since you are going to be busy throughout the evening with all of your guests is to make sure you set up a time to meet your hubby ALONE even if it's just for 5 min. Take a few minutes and soak it all in together after you have been married.
ENJOY :)
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OK.. SO I am having panic attacks about the ceremony!!
I have been losing it at the thought of walking down the aisle with a jam packed church. I don't like being the center of attention and the whole being the bride thing makes me a little squeamish!
That said I am so excited to actually be married! just not the process of doing it :) I still need to talk to the minister and my fiance about this, but need some help thinking through this:
I have been imagining how nice it would be to actually get married at the rehearsal and just not let people know, the wedding is only the next day... but it would take the pressure off i think, and I can treat it as a performance and less like the big day it is meant to be!
I NEED YOUR HELP!!
will i regret this?? how have others dealt with stage fright at their wedding??