Post # 1
Just wondering what others thought about this. Both my Fiance and I are single parents that receive no financial help from the other parents. We currently live spearately…so paying double of everything pretty much. We both want an actual wedding ceremony and reception. Our children do as well and are very excited about being involved in the wedding. Due to our living situation, it makes it very difficult to save money for the wedding. If we lived together we would be able to save money. However, since children are involved and for religious beliefs, we would like to be “legally” married before moving in together.
A big issue for me is whether to tell others or not about being “legally” married prior to the wedding. Our parents would know. And we would tell the kids after the wedding so that they know we were “legally” married prior to moving in together. My first thought was to just keep it between the two of us and the select few. But I have been reconsidering this lately.
Post # 3
We did, so I could get insurance. And since we wanted a specific date (APril 1), we waited a whole year. We ended telling more people than we originally intended, but we intially only told immediate family.
Post # 4
First of all, I think you should do what makes the most sense for you.
However, I guess I don’t understand what the difference is between moving in while legally married or not married at all. If you aren’t married in the eyes of the church, and everyone else, I’m not understanding what the difference would be, really?
Post # 5
@aliavenue: my thoughts exactly.
Post # 6
If it’s for religious reasons, wouldn’t you want to get married in a church to consider yourself really married?
Normally it doesn’t really bother me, because people need to get legally married for all sorts of reasons. Usually for insurance or because their spouse is in the military. But since you want to get “legally” married, so you can move in for religious reasons, doesn’t that seem more like a technicality.
Post # 7
There’s nothing wrong doing the legal ceremony before the wedding. I understand the desire to not tell anyone though. For whatever reason, it takes the “magic” away for some of the guests. I personally don’t think it does, but some people do care. I think you’re fine with just telling your immediate family, and then telling everyone else that moving together just makes sense financially since you know you’re going to get married later anyway.
Post # 8
My Fiance and I will likely be doing the same thing for immigration purposes. So far, my mom is the only one who knows that myself and my Fiance plan to have the JOP marry us prior to our actual wedding date – although I didn’t tell her, she figured it out on her own and asked me about it. (She knew that my Fiance would only be allowed to stay in the US for three months if we didn’t get married, and he’s planning on arriving in the states at least four months before our planned wedding date.) Anyway, I don’t care that she knows, and if anybody else figures it out then I’m not bothered by that either. I am not just going to go around telling people though, because frankly I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. i am just condidering it as another hoop my Fiance and I have to jump through in order to satisfy the US government.
Post # 9
Also if you’re worried about people judging you for living together before marriage, does it really make sense to keep you marriage a secret?
Post # 10
Maybe I should have said our moral beliefs instead of religious beliefs. We don’t think we should live together without being legally married especially with children involved. That is our personal thoughts anyway.
Post # 11
@ louisianablue – It’s not necessarily about other judging us, but for our children to know that we weren’t living together without being legally married. And the few that living together prior to be married would bother, will know (parents & grandparents).
Post # 12
Something else I hadn’t mentioned is that my Fiance just lost his dad at the beginning of this month and it was extremely unexpected. My Fiance wants to make sure that if anything were to happen to him that I was taken care of and had the control over things (such as decision making, etc). So we would like to make it legal sooner.
Post # 13
We got married in November so I could get insurance, but the wedding is in June. Our mothers asked that we keep the original plans. However, I agree with aliavenue. If you are worried about apperances, why would you move in together if you don’t want to be seen as living together before marriage?
What kind of wedding are you planning on? I’m thinking that a destination wedding or small, simple wedding would be best here, so you can be married sooner, and have it be not so expensive.
Post # 14
One thing to keep in mind is that, once you are legally married, you cannot later have a “wedding.” You absolutely can have a very beautiful vow-renewal ceremony with all of the trimmings to which you can invite your family and friends, but it cannot actually be your wedding, because you already will be married.
I personally share your values and morals about not living together before you are married. And I also believe that what some prior posters noted is important. You would not want others to think you are living together before marriage, and, because they all eventually would discover at your vow renewal ceremony that you are already married, it does not make sense to try to keep this information a secret in the interim. Also, deceiving family, friends, employers, etc. is a very bad idea.
I recommend that you and your Fiance chose either to wait until your planned, big wedding with family and friends to form a new household together or that you get married now and tell everyone the truth, while still planning a big celebration with a public vow renewal and party later.
Regarding saving money, and in light of the fact that your Fiance just lost his father, perhaps he and his children could move in with his mother (if she is still living and were amenable to such an arrangement) until the wedding and then apply some of the funds he had been spending to maintain his own home to help you with your expenses. Even if you planned to live in his home instead of yours after marriage, perhaps you could move in there, as long as he did not live there, too, until after the wedding.
Post # 15
@Brielle: <– everything she said.
Post # 16
I think you can legally get married now and have the wedding later. I had a friend get legally married a few months before the wedding for personal reasons. The wedding that followed looked and felt like any other wedding. The only difference was that during the vows the pastor (who also officiated at their legal wedding) called it a renewal of the vows …but that was the only real difference.
In terms of keeping it a secret, they didn’t broadcast it but they also didn’t hide it. Some of us knew, some didn’t, it honestly didn’t matter and no one spent any time worrying about it or talking about it. We were there to celebrate with them. I think the only complicated factor is them deciding what day to celebrate their anniversary on!
Do what works for you! My only suggestion is to set the wedding celebration date before you do the legal marriage – otherwise, life will interfere and it might never happen 🙂