Married but no sex

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Do not be embarassed. I don’t know that I can completely relate, but we do not have sex often at all. Although we did quite a bit when we first were together, since our engagement we do not. I try not to take it to heart, and when I want to have sex I’m very blunt about it. My FI is an amazing partner in every way….he just is less interested in sex than anyone I’ve ever been with. I’ve learned that he just gets a lot of excitement and satisfaction with other things we do together, like bike rides and trying new dinner dates. What is your hubby’s response when you bring it up? Are there things going on in his work that may be distracting him? 

Post # 3
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Sedona Golf Resort

How important is a healthy sex life to you? Personally I think you should stop being afraid to tell your husband what you need. You have every right to feel fulfilled in your relationship and if he loved you, he would want that for you.  Where you active before you married? Is there any chance he has an illness? I think you should be honest but prepare yourself for the answer. If nothing ever changes, would your marriage feel like a prison sentence? Sounds like he’s a great friend and partner, at the end of the day is that enough?

Post # 4
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

vllister:  +100 Spouses need to be honest about their needs in order to have them met.

I would also suggest counseling and bloodwork to rule out any hormone deficiencies. 

I believe that sexual compatibility is important in a marriage. 

Post # 5
Member
2220 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

You have to sort this out.  Talk to your husband.  Clearly avoiding pressurising him about sex hasn’t worked so you might as well be clear and truthful about how you feel.

You are understandably very upset about the situation.  Sex is so very important in marriage.  Tell him why you are so upset and that you want the pair of you to seek medical advice and sexual counselling.

Post # 6
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

How old are you? Is it possible your husband could be going through “manopause” or something that might be causing him some ED? 

Or perhaps he’s expecting you to initiate and since you’re trying to be low key it’s just not happening? My FI and I had this problem a while back, where we were both kind of expecting the other to initiate and so it just didn’t happen for months.

Definitely you need to have a discussion

Post # 7
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I went thru this. We had a period of almost 18 months without. Partly due to pregnancy, being tired with a newborn and some rough patches. We still only have sex about twice a month, (kids, business, animals, house to clean…)  but we talked about it. He just became President of his family business, we’re planning a wedding and we just don’t have the energy for more. At first I was so upset, but after our talk, we decided to adapt the attitude that quality is better than quantity. We got a little more comfy and a little more adventurous!

Post # 8
Member
1878 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Valparaiso, IN

You need to be upfront with him about it. You both need to be honest with each other. Tell him you’re upset and ask him to tell you what’s going on. It’s not healthy to not have sex. this is one of those things that is needed to have a healthy long lasting relationship.

Post # 9
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Zero123:  The two of you need to have an honest discussion about this. Let him know how this makes you feel and try to find out what is causing this. Go to marriage counseling if needed to facilitate the discussion.

You can’t keep on living unfulfilled like this, it will lead to resentment and the self-doubt you have already experienced. Not talking about the issue hasn’t worked so far, take a different approach and open the communication.

Post # 10
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

What does he say about this situation when you bring it up?

Post # 11
Member
240 posts
Helper bee

Oh man, that’s rough. I can imagine how frustrated you are!

Curious also what he says – does he acknowledge it’s a problem or does he think this lack of frequency is ok? Did you guys have sex before you got married? Was it an issue then?

I definitely think you need to have an open and honest conversation about it.  When I started dating my now-FI we had some problems in that area – bad ones. I was worried we were never going to have good sex. It turned out it was an issue of him using condoms and not being able to get hard enough – we were able to talk through it and try different things until we figured out what the issue was. I know, not the same situation, but if we hadn’t been able to talk about it I don’t know what would have happened.

 

Good luck.

Post # 12
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

 

Zero123:  It’s such a hard thing to deal with when two people have completely different sex drives. I didn’t really have that problem before but in my current relationship it’s an issue, so I can relate. If I could I would have sex every day. Even if i’m tired, i’ll find the energy to do it. My SO is not like me in that way. He works a really crazy schedule and deals with a lot of family respnsibility. when there’s free time he would rather be out with me, or just spending quality time and sometimes, sex is the last thing he feels up to doing. It has nothing to do with not wanting or liking it, but it’s not high on his priority list. We had to have a talk about it because it started to take a toll on my confidence. So that’s what I’m going to suggest, really sit down and talk about how it makes you feel. What has been working for my relationship is that he’s way more affectionate in general which helps me to feel more wanted physically and I’m just very blunt about when I want it. It’s not the most romantic set up to be like “ok so after date night saturday, plan on spending the night”. I have a son so over night’s have to be planned anyway but if I say that, it’s like a heads up that I’m going to want to make time for sex. that has helped a ton because now he knows what to expect and I don’t deal with unexpected rejection where he’s like “sorry babe i’m just exhausted tonight”. It has taken some of the “romance” out of it but it’s still passionate and it still is good when it happens. It’s just not spontaneous. And that works for us. I’m satisfied, and he gets fair warning to make sure he’s up for it. I’m not sure if it’s age, schedules, life in general, but he’s just not as into sex as I am and we found a compromise that works well for us. Maybe you two can come to some kind of similar agreement where you start to focus more on putting effort into finding time for physical intimacy.

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