- 6 years ago
- Wedding: March 2011
I’ve used this account once before to post something I would like to keep seperate from my normal account, and I’m going to post this anonymously again for obvious privacy reasons. I’m really sorry this is going to be long.
I don’t even know where to begin this post. I guess I’ll provide some back story. My husband and I have been together since 2007 and we have been married for just over a year. He is a caring, sweet, supportive husband and he is my best friend. He is in the military, although he is now a reservist and currently on medical leave. He served in Afghanistan for a year, and his tour and resulting PTSD has been a huge struggle for us. Life was pretty hard when he returned as he had witnessed horrible things and wasn’t able to be in public places without having panic attacks. He has been going through treatments for his PTSD for the past 3 years including therapy, and medication. His memory has suffered significantly and he constantly forgets simple things like to lock the door when he leaves the house (I’ll come home from work and only the screen door is closed). His memory lapses have cost us significant money over time because of where he leaves things (which then get stolen or destroyed). He often becomes very depressed (he’s on medication for it) and it has been a huge challenge for us to find ways to bring him back to being happy again which lasts for a short while. I’ve been really supportive of him throughout this whole ordeal and I am so proud of him for what he’s done, but it kills me to see him suffering like this and I feel completely helpless. I would do anything to help him, but if I am being completely honest, I’m starting to feel drained.
I am starting to feel resentful towards my husband for the way that the PTSD is affecting my life. I feel horrible even thinking those thoughts, but it’s how I’m starting to feel. We can never go out for dinner unless it was planned way in advance because he needs routine in his life. He never ever initiates dates and acts like it’s a chore when I ask him to even spend time with me, even for something simple like watching tv. He constantly uses video games as an escape for himself and we’ve talked about this in therapy and it will get better for awhile but eventually relapse.
As a result of his depression, he began to eat when he was feeling upset. He has gained 60 lbs in the past year, even after seeing his doctor, a nutritionist, and we joined the gym. He eats crap no matter how much I try to intervene by buying healthy foods, etc. He just stops at a fast food place on the way home. It sounds horrible to say, but I am finding it hard to be physically attracted to my husband. We’ve only been married a year and he doesn’t look like the same person at all. We run into people we haven’t seen in a year and they are shocked at how different he looks. It’s embarassing at times, and he often refuses to do things because of how he looks, yet refuses to do anything to change. We have sex maybe once a month, if that. We tried hard for awhile, but it was always the same predictable situation and he didn’t like anything different. We had talked about this numerous times too but it always went back to the same way and eventually we just stopped.
I am just so frustrated. I understand that the PTSD is in no way his fault, and I do feel horrible that he is suffering. He has so many great qualities, but I just feel like so many things have changed and I just don’t know how to handle it anymore. To make things worse, there is a guy at my work that just recently started and I am finding it really hard to not be attracted to him. He’s my age, and just seems so happy and normal. He’s in school for a great career and takes care of himself. It’s not even really about him I’m sure, it’s just that I find myself longing for a simple normal life. One without the constant tears and trying to beg my husband to leave the house to do something, anything.
My husband is my best friend and I would do everything I could to make him happy, but I’m wondering if that’s what the problem is… that we are best friends, but maybe not meant to be anything more. I love him so much, but I don’t know anymore if I can see my entire life with him. We’ve had one year of marriage and I already feel terrified that this is how my life will be forever. I want happiness, I want to laugh with my husband, enjoy sex with my husband, go on dates. I don’t need an extravagant life, I just want a husband who is happy to be with me. We’re still young (25) and I just feel so sad to think that this is now my life, and I won’t ever get to have a happy life, marriage or family.
I don’t even know what my point was in posting this. I guess I just need to get it out because it’s been eating me up inside. To answer a few of the questions that I’m sure people will be wondering about:
– We have been to therapy. Together and individually to talk about these issues during the past few years.
– I have told him about how things have been making me feel, but no, I have never nor would I ever tell him that his PTSD is ruining my life (or anything close to it), and I have never told him that his weight gain has made me less attracted to him.
– As to why I married him if I felt this way, well it didn’t used to be this bad. A year ago things weren’t perfect, but they were no where near this bad. He still took care of himself (I’m talking about showering daily and the occassional workout) and he seemed happy. Maybe it was the wedding planning, but he seemed like he was really excited and positive about life and I felt that we could move forward. I don’t know what happened to bring it all crashing back down, and neither does he (he says).
So bees… has anyone been through tough times with their SO and found a way to get out of it? Or has anyone been in a new marriage and found that maybe it isn’t meant to be. I’m so lost and I don’t know what to think or do. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.