Post # 1
I have been with my husband since we started dating around this time last year. I had just got out of a horribly abusive relationship that lasted over 3 years. We are both graduate students in the same department at a state university. My husband has been married before. More than once and has a 3 year old child. I have never been married before. He has a lot of female friends just like I have mostly male friends. I would never cheat on him with any of these people or have any interest in them. I have been friends with these guys for over 10 years and it is well established that there is no attraction nor has there ever been. I’m just a tomboy that flows better with male energy, lol. I assumed it was the same type of dynamic with his female friends so it never bothered me,…. until now: Something bad happened.
He is a graduate assistant at the university. He doesn’t do any teaching or grading but he does a lot of footwork and errands for the professors. A lot of undergrads respect him and go to him for advice on academics and life in general. Unfortunately, a pretty(?) 18 year old freshman started corresponding with him on these topics. I was only informed that she was somewhat frustrating and was asking for a lot of academic help. Now, I’ll let him explain in his own words with a copied post of his on a legal forum,…. yes,…. I said LEGAL forum:
[content removed, please do not post content from other boards]
Ok. I’m back again.
I want to re-establish the fact that we weren’t married at the time this was posted ona legal forum. Engaged, yes. Married no.
I was never told anything more than he was giving her academic assistance. All of the stuff about lending money, the inappropriate stuff that was talked about,… and the sheer LENGTH of how long they contacted each other is all news to me and it makes me sick to think about it. I’m scared.
Oh yeah,… guess who paid for the high-priced attorney? Oh yeah, you’re looking at her. I totally deflated my bank account to pay the retainer. I am a student and work two part time jobs. I have no way to make that money back. After I paid for the attorney, we got married. I worried and worried that he only married me out of guilt for 1.) Wronging me. (Is it?/was it a form of infidelity?) 2.) Me paying for the legal stuff.
I’m so scared that maybe he did engage in some type of infidelity. I’m scared to death. I didn’t get out of the three-year abusefest just to get involved in something where I get cheated on constantly. (He has cheated on women in the past.) I don’t think he did it because we are ALWAYS together. We work together and live together and are together to and from! Emotional infidelity though hurts just as bad, just in another way. When he told me what actually happened for the first time (basically everything contained in his post) I was livid. I would NEVER do or say anything like that to another guy. I am friends with my exes but there are lines I will never allow them to come close to crossing when it comes to speech and certain topics of conversation. I have rules and all males that are not my husband know them and I demand they abide by them or they are no longer my friends.
Please help me. I want us to get past this. I don’t think he did anything to get getting into this much trouble about. I think he should only be in the doghouse with me instead of all these university officials.
Post # 3
I think you should go to a counselor.. I’m sorry your going through this!
Make sure you take some time to evaluate your marriage and understand what is best for your and your future.
Post # 4
Seek help for your marriage. Did you know why you were paying for a lawyer when you did? Why did you still do it?
Post # 5
Wow this is really tough….
Granted I don’t know the whole story, but what you do know, is that he did carry on a very close relationship with this woman, while it is unknown if he did infact become intimate or try to be intimate, he did admit to having a “more then friends” deamanor towards her. For a man in a relationship, his behavior went way beyond my comfort level, with the long hidden conversations, the money situation, him inviting her to his house (regadless if it was for chores,) texting, etc.
So, if you do believe that he was not physical, you do know he developed an emotional realtionship with her – which I think the only way to work and get past this is for both of you to go to seek help, either way, you will learn what you need to do – either you will be able to learn how to trust him again, or you will learn that you can’t get past it.
Post # 6
The situation between him and this girl sounds crazy! He gave her money and she came over and did the dishes and put away laundry?? Were you living with him at the time? I don’t know if he was necessarily unfaithful to you, but boundaries were seriously crossed. He should not have been talking about sexual stuff with another woman, much less one that he was somewhat of an advisor to. It’s also a red flag that he cheated on other women in the past. I’m sorry that you are stuck in the middle of all this.
Post # 7
I think I’m missing something here – did you just find this forum post of his? If so, then get into counseling ASAP, this is way too complicated of a sitch for an internet forum. Also, how old is he? What he did does sound pretty inappropriate, unless he’s just a year or two older than her. He asked her to come over his house and clean in return for $100? Maybe I’m totally off, but that screams sliminess to me.
Post # 8
first, I’m a grad student too (though I do teach and grade undergrads), so I know a bit from university training sessions about how tricky it is sometimes to figure out the line between an innappropriate and appropriate relationship with a student; for example, the difference between an informal but still intellectual conversation, and just a too-personal convo. but he def crossed that line–discussing her personal/sexual relationships, lending her money, having her do chores in his home etc. he needs to figure out how to construct appropriate boundaries with students, period. that said, universities have different policies about this–at mine, too-personal relationships are severely looked down upon but not prohibited (after all, tons of professors end up marrying former students–ick!). but, if she’s accusing him of something non-consensual, it def falls under university purview. he is, after all, a university employee, and subject to their hr policies, including sexual harassment. even if she’s lying, they have a responsibility to investigate it. (ETA: this is mostly in response to your last sentence “I think he should only be in the doghouse with me instead of all these university officials”)
then onto your relationship, I would definitely consider this emotional cheating.
Post # 9
This is bananas. No graduate student would ever think this was appropriate behavior on his part. You don’t give your number out to students, you don’t text them, you don’t invite them to your house, you don’t give them money. I could go on and on. Even if he didn’t “pull out his member”, he already crossed so many lines.
I’d be seeing how much of that retainer is unused, get it back, and put that money into an account accessible only by you. This isn’t your mess to fix. It’s bizarre behavior that I would never tolerate in a relationship.
Post # 10
I was living with him at the time. We are both gone so much, we NEVER do any chores b/c we don’t have time for it. The house was a tragedy. I had tried to get one of my friends to clean for some $$$$ around that same time but they bailed. It sounds to me that this girl was seriously broke and scared and away from home. I think he felt sorry for her and gave her $100. She couldb’t believe he gave her THAT much (and neither do I for that matter) and said she felt guilty for it. He then said if she felt guilty she could come over and do our nasty (NASTY) dishes.
We don’t have the money to see a real counselor, so I was thinking of trying to find a minister that does a lot of pre-marital counseling.
I don’t know how long it will take me to get over this. I have brought it up a few times since. He gets irritated with me every time I brought it up past the first or second time. He thinks “sorry” should shut the book on it. But “sorry” doesn’t do it for me. I need assurance this will never happen EVER again,… PLUS it took the big powerful lawyer to make him see that it was a form of cheating. He really thought I was over-reacting until the lawyer chastised him for it. (Not taking me seriously = another problem.)
I am desperate to go to counseling. I’ve even started literally ripping my hair out and engaging in self-mutilation stuff I haven’t done since I was an adolescent. I’ve been putting on a happy face. All of our friends are congratulating us and I’m basking in the appearance that I finally got my life together but every time someone tells me how happy they are that we got married I want to scream and cry because I know the truth of how it came about. He tells me he was going to marry me anyway but I feel that how it came about was based primarily in $$$$$ and guilt. I do feel we would have been married eventually. Probably in a year or so and have just been telling myself that we merely sped up the process. I was never one of those girls that dreamed of her wedding day,… but I NEVER had ANY idea things would have happened like THIS.
I try to put on a happy face and think about how the girl is a liar. (She’s not a good person and has a very bad reputation at the university for hooking up with random guys on a regular basis.) I’ve done well by not breaking down in the past 2 weeks. I feel like he’s tired of dealing with my emotinal breakdowns about this and never delays to remind me that my pain and stress is like a grain of sand compared to his –since he’s the one in trouble…….
Yeeeeaaaaah, since I’m merely worried that I flushed my entire life down the toilet by being married to someone who will be unfaithful and wrong me just like everyone else in my life has.
Post # 11
I have 2 questions. 1. why in the world did you think it would be a good idea to marry someone you knew less than a year? 2. WHY did you marry him BEFORE you worked on this????
Post # 12
@finnaroo: One that that really bothers me about the way they run this place is the graduate assistants are given no handbook, no training, and are just thrown in the lake and expected to swim.
Post # 13
@Labradormom85: What was the outcome of the complaint? What did the girl “lie” about – did she admit it was a lie or was it he said/she said?
Just trying to gather some facts before making any comments.
Also, please don’t harm yourself! I would consider that to be a crisis situation and to see if there is anywhere you can go for help.
Post # 14
@Labradormom85: “I am desperate to go to counseling.” are you sure your school doesn’t have a counseling service you can go to? ours is affiliated with health services on campus, and I think that’s pretty standard
also that’s horrible that they don’t give you guys any training.
Post # 15
He crossed a huge professional line with this student, even if there wasn’t intercourse, it’s still inappropriate and shows poor judgement. I wouldn’t judge you if you decided that you didn’t want to continue your relationship with him. Can you trust him? If you can, then continue your relationship. If you cannot, then either break it off or work with him to establish trust. You may even be able to get your marriage annulled if you pursue leaving him.
Post # 16
@Labradormom85: I don’t think you can blame the university’s lack of training graduate students on his behavior. Common sense tells you not to discuss sexual and relationship topics with your undergraduates and not to give them money!