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I was out at happy hour last night, and one of the girls stated plainly, "Everyone knows that married people don't have sex." She went on to say that NONE of her married friends have regular sex. It stung a little because this is something I worry (obsess?) about. I can't imagine a life without regular sex and have considered not having sex a downside to having kids. (Evil, I know.) It's not the first time I've heard this but I hear it so much, it seems like a fact.
Bees, do you worry about your bedroom life going downhill? Married bees, is it true? (Say no)
Sadly to say but for me it has... DH is tired all the time now... He used to be all for sex all the time and now it is the opposite. He did get a new job that could be the problem. He went from working a desk job to construction. However I think that sometimes he just doesn't want to anymore... We went from having sex at least once almost every day to once maybe twice a week. So depressing.
It's not necessarily true.
Once kids come along you're just plain old tired. Depending on how your body bounced back (or not) you may not feel as sexy. Not to mention, you can't make a scene in front of or within earshot of the kids. In general, before marriage, you make more of an effort to keep those flames alive. Once you're married, life happens. However, if you keep up the effort, you'll keep up the sex life. It's just harder to keep up that effort with kids, working long hours, aging, etc. but it's not impossible.
For us this was not at all true. We already live together, having that ceremony does not suddenly stop your sex life and anyone who says so is being pretty ridiculous. Kids I can see being a slightly different story just because it becomes logistically difficult. But the married couples who are having regular sex don't feel the need to broadcast that, you only really hear from the ones who don't have sex anymore and need something to blame it on.
Of course normal life events can take their toll on your sex life - deaths in the family, tired from being overworked, etc. But this would happen regardless of whether or not you're married, your marriage ceremony isn't to blame if your sex life does slow down.
ugh I am soooo scared of this!! I honestly don't think I could go the rest of my life with little to no sex.
I don't think it's married people who stop having sex, it's TIRED people. When we started living together, Fi and I stopped having sex as frequently because all of a sudden you're making dinner every night, cleaning every weekend, doing laundry, trying to spend quality time before bed... you don't always have time for everything.
I'm torn on my answer to this. We've lived together for a little over four years now. Our sex life did start to get worse when we first started living together but honestly, I think it was the BC pill I was on and financial stress. And actually, since getting married, things have changed and our sex life has started to go right back up very rapidly (I've been off the pill for a few months plus my stress level has plummeted due to new job situations). So I agree that it's not marriage, it's being tired and stressed.
@Miss Longcoat: This is so true for us too. 
My BC pill and job stress don't help matters either.
I think you'll probably have a good 25 years or so of a good sex life as long as you work at it. If it dies off pretty early in your marriage, I'd be looking at all the reasons why and fix it.
I agree with the girls who said their BC pills affect it - I stopped taking the pill and we switched over to condoms about a month ago because I was finding that I was just never in the mood, and that I was often dry enough that sex was very painful. I stopped taking it and that has made a huge difference for our sex life.
It's definitely true. Tired people do not have sex. Every time I try to initiate and he says no, it's because he is tired. It's super frustrating, but understandable.
@Miss Olive: And that's exactly why people set their alarms a little early. Nice way to start a day. :P
Ha! If I was in your shoes my reply would have been I bet I get it more than you! 
The other piece which many of us can't respond to is time. Not only the reasons people gave above, but once you have been married for 10+ years things change as well and most of us have not been there yet.
I do think it is something that needs to be worked on by both sides and talked about. What do you both consider "enough" so that one is satisfied and another isnt.
@Miss Longcoat: Yup I have to agree with this. FI and I still have sex regularly, not as often as when we were young college kids. ;) I'm on the pill, which probably doesn't help , but honestly.... it's the long hours at work plus keeping up with all the chores (cooking/cleaning,etc). We're both just tired allll the time. We try to make up for it on the weekends, but oftentimes the weekends are jam packed with plans (even moreso with wedding planning).
I want to add that work schedules also effect things. When DH and I were dating I stayed up pretty late with him because I didn't have to be at work till 9:30 a.m. just 15 minutes away. Now, with my new job I have to be at work at 8:00 a.m. across town. Nowadays I'm headed to bed at 9:00. I have no idea when he comes to bed. My point is... when we want to be intimate he has to come to bed with me because after about 9:30 it's a wrap! This might be TMI but afterwards he throws on sweats and heads back downstairs and I go to sleep. One night he even said "Thank you, ma'am." lol! I thought it was funny but that might offend a lot of ladies. I imagine a lot of ladies wouldn't be on board with this kind of compromise.
@Wonderstruck: agree with this
Things tapered off in that dept, which I could attribute to life being busy and my bc. Now that I'm off it we are doing much better, in every aspect.
Just because you get married doesn't mean you sex life has to suffer. You just might have to work harder at it
Totally true. That's why all babies are born out of wedlock.
JK.
It's not true for us, so far. *knockonwood*
I'm curious, how does your friend know so much about other people's sex lives?
Our sex life has changed since having kids. Maybe we don't feel like doing it as much or we just don't have as many opportunities, but when we do get to... it's better and better every time. So, another way of looking at it could be "quality over quanity". Not saying it wasn't amazing before, just that even amazing can get better and that is worth the slow down, IMO.
@Miss Longcoat:THIS.
@NJmeetsBX: Don't get me wrong, we still do have sex pretty frequently, but if I find we've gone a couple days without it it's most likely because we've been too tired. We get home, cook dinner, clean up, talk about our day, try to spend some "quality time," and then go to bed. By the time we're in bed with the lights off relaxing.. sometimes it's just nicer to sleep than do the work.. ha!
I can say that when we were in a LDR, when we'd finally get to see eachother we would joke that we'd do it so much our parts were gonna fall off. (TMI i know) Now that we live together, it's a bit different.. Just don't lose the *spark* and you'll be fine!
I think intimacy is something you have to work at, make time for, cultivate and sacrifice for. Love is a feeling and a fleeting emotion at times, its all great when you first meet but eventually the fire will die down-complacency, boredom, stress etc. Its up to the couple to stoke it up!
Ok I am not married yet ( one week!!! ) but FI and I have lived together a long time and we have a son 18 month toddler!! I can say that you are tired when you have a child and work full time or more! Your body and mind is just tired. I hate to say it but sometimes you just really need to make an effort to have sex. Its not that we dont want to, we are just exahsted. We still manage to have sex about 4 times a week. Which is pretty good considering I work days and he works nights LOL
I don't think it has much to do with marriage - it's more about being with someone for awhile and new relationships vs. established relationships. There's a level of passion and excitement in a lot of new relationships that it's just not practical or feasible to keep up later on (seriously, if we still got it on like we did when we first met, nothing would ever get done). The uncertainty and the newness can make intimacy more exciting and urgent, even when the relationship itself lacks (or hasn't yet established) depth and closeness.
Also, PhD programs are way worse than marriage. Ugh stupid grad school.
Although this is a relatively "modern" conundrum. If you were waiting for sex until your married, it would be just the opposite ;)
In all seriousness, I think it has more to do with the couple than the situation.
At certain times in your life it will require work to keep that spark going. To get above that tiredness or monotony. I think the core of the issue lies in attraction and sexual desire. If you want it, you make it happen.
My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years, 9 of those living together and we're still going strong. We did notice a decline when we adopted our puppy because we felt guilty about locking her out of the bedroom. And who knows what will happens once baby enters our world. :) I see it dwindling a bit while we're getting used to the baby but I see us picking back up once we're in the groove.
But I think that's why the sex gods invented quickies! ;)
@Eva Peron: That is the thing! We had a kid, started going to church so we were trying to wait until marriage but it was soooooooo hard! But then Immediately after the wedding it was just like whatever and it makes me mad because why was it so hard NOT to have sex when we weren't supposed to but now that we are supposed to we don't... That is what is so saddening for me!
Ugh, I wish someone had told my parents that married people don't have sex. The walls in our house were paper thin. I guess that's how they ended up with 6 kids :P
To be honest, I don't think it's marriage. I think a lot of it is stress levels and being tired, but I don't even think that's all of it. I think sometimes you go through periods of low libido. Even before we were married, even in relatively low stress times, there were periods where I made good friends with my vibrator. And there were other times where his hand was his best friend (sorry, lol TMI?)
In our case, we have a lot more sex than we did before. Now that we are living together we can actually have morning sex! I'm not as into it in the morning as he is, but if I want it and can't get him into it at night I know I just need to wear something sexy to bed and he'll be all over me in the morning :P Haha, I feel like I'm being way too explicit but, I also keep a bottle of lube and a little bottle of sensitizing cream in my bedside table with my vibe. Those are my lifesavers, they basically guarantee that I can get "in the mood" if he is and I'm not, that I can make it physically possible if we're both in the mood but I'm not wet enough, and that if I'm in the mood and he's not, I can take care of myself. I will say that 99% of the time, if I take matters into my own hands, within a few minutes he wants to join. Not always though, and that's ok :)
The other thing we do a little differently is that we schedule "sex days" usually a weekend day where we tell others that we have other plans and we just plan to have sex all day. Of course most of the day is spent watching the History channel naked, but when the mood strikes us again there's nothing to stop us from just doing it right then and there. When we have kids it will be more difficult I'm sure, but we plan to take the kids to our parents on those days. We also get into pretty kinky sex play which helps keep things interesting.
Our sex life hasn't suffered at all. We don't get frisky nearly as often as some of the other posters here, but that was always the case for us. The quality of the sex, though, is mindblowing and even improving over time.
We haven't had much of a difference at all--we're both really busy most of the time, or tired, or I'm cleaning, housework, etc., wedding planning (we're legal, but not "wedded") and he has back and knee problems, so that kind of puts a damper on things, so we get it maybe once a week (TMI?) but I suspect that once we stop working six days a week and stop having to stress so much about $$ things will get much fiestier.
@Miss Longcoat: I agree
I think everyone makes great points about being tired, busier and life getting in the way. But I also think that there are other things in play:
Age is factor. When I was in my 20's I could 3-5 times a week. In my 30's, 2-3 times a week. But now that I'm in my 40's 1 time a week, and I'm very very happy.
It's not that we've been together for a long long time and lost the spark (married 1 year, together 3). It's been like this for most of the relationship. In the beginning, we spent a larger percentage of our time together having sex, but we only saw it other on the weekends. We still are very affectionate and I think he is sexy as hell, but that animal, I have to get you naked NOW, feeling just isn't as strong.
I think if you have sex more often now, you think having it less would make you sad. But you don't actually miss it, because the hormones that make you want it have decreases. I think you satisfy you need for intimacy in different ways.
For us, snuggling on the couch or holding hands when we walk around or just hugging in the kitchen fills that imtimacy need.
I think marriages get into trouble when ALL the intimacy leaves--the snuggling and hand holding. Things that make you feel closer to each other. When that goes, along with the lack of sex, that's when people feel lonely and unhappy in their marriage.
Don't panic in your relationship if the sex decreases. It's only a concern if your overall level of closeness decreases to the point you aren't happy.
@Eva Peron: You would think... but really SOOOO many things go into the the whole "sex how often" aspect.
@NJmeetsBX: DH and I still have pretty regular sex, but went a couple week & a half stretches when I was feeling like poo in my frist trimester.
There should be seasons throughout a marriage where sex isn't as often or prominent, but it's in those times (like having babies/toddlers, new jobs, finals weeks, grad school, etc) that you MAKE the time and effort.... seriously.. SCHEDULE sex. So that you and your DH can have that intimacy that is NEEDED to keep the relationship united & intact.
Seriously I think that it's just easy to get lazy in these seasons and in the long run it can be really detrimental.
They are totally right when they say that marriage takes WORK.. and just like it takes work in all the other aspects, it sometimes takes work in the sex department. The great thing though is if you put in the work, then 10, 15, 20 years down the line your sex is BETTER than when you started... just like everything else =)
@NJmeetsBX: Marriage takes work. You'll hit ups and downs, but it is what you make it. Don't let other's expectations or circumstances bring you down... you aren't them, and you have a different set of expectations and circumstances. Be an exception. Defy your fears.
I am going to second the age factor. It can have a big impact, along with work, stress, and just a lot of life obligations. We have phases where we will have a ton and then phases where we are both in the mood, but verbalize we are just too tired or exhausted to go through with it. I think when there is less sex, you have to work harder at creating and maintaining intimacy, because I do think that is critical in relationships. And communication is key about the subject, as it is really with everything I suppose. I know as we go through life we will have things that will impact our sex life and that's just the way it goes. And we're ok with that and we understand it does take extra effort sometimes.
We have no less sex now than we did while engaged. I think it is something that has to be worked on and you need to make sure that each person is satisfied with the amount of sex you're having. I think sex life probably diminshes a lot once you have kids, but I don't think marriage alone changes things.
Our schedules affect our intimate time. If we weren't in the same house already, we'd see each other even less. That was one of the reasons for cohabitating, for us.
I think that's the biggest thing - work or changing personal lives. We've had to schedule "date time" before. I hated the idea at first, but now I'm fine with it, that's just both of us making the effort.
Yes, there will be times when you're too tired, too stressed, or too whatever to have sex. But a marriage takes work, which includes making time to have those intimate moments just like before you were married.
@linguo42: I feel the same way, it just gets better and better with age. Our motto is "quality over quantity" :)
@Miss Longcoat: truth. We are "TIRED" people! FI is always tired from his job and since we have our house...we are both worn out. And sometimes I fall asleep on him while watching TV and he knows it's out of the question, haha. We sometimes would rather nap together and cuddle than sex!
I obviously can't say what the future will hold, but for us, the opposite is true.
I was on the pill for a long time, and the shot before that. It has more or less destroyed my sex drive. We had sex, but it was always a concious choice on my part to make myself have sex with him.
But then I ran out of BC pills, and before I could go get more my sex drive started to come back. DH and I talked about it and agreed to switch to condoms only until we decide we're ready for TTC (which will be a few years).
Seriously, we have *WAY* more sex now than we did while we were dating/engaged. I can't say it will stay this way forever, but for now we're enjoying married life :)
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