Post # 1
Has anyone been in the situation where they’re engaged or married living with roommates? What about family? I assume that plenty of people live with others while engaged, but after marriage?
DH and I have been married almost 1 (amazing!) year and moving to a new city/state this Fall for his work/school. His new job w/school will occupy almost all his free time. I’ve agreed to this and have come to terms w/the next few years that I won’t get to see his as much as now. That’s going be a big adjustment but I’m ready. Thing is his brother wants to move in with us! Brother in law has had a rough few years and is trying to get back on his feet by finally moving out of their parents house. Is it just me or does this seem like a bad idea?
DH is BIL’s main support person. BIL hopes that he’ll only need to stay with us temporarily until he’s sure he can live on his own. Could be a few months could be way longer! Right now he can’t drive for medical reasons. DH will be busy and not available to help at a moments notice like BIL is probably hoping. It could also not happen at all as he’s backed out of major changes last second before. BIL and I get alone fine.
How can we have a happy married life with a semi permanent house guest? Not to mention we don’t have a place yet so should we get a 3 bedroom, 2 bath place just incase? Money is already going to be tight. What about alone time? I know DH and I won’t be able to act ourselves w/him around all the time. It’ll get awkward I think. Plus we have completly opposite tastes in music, movies, food & schedules.
edit: obvi I sound against the whole thing and I kinda am except for the ‘gotta stick by and help family’ part. BIL is family and having a rough time so where do you draw the line on helping family and doing what’s best for ‘our’ new family? Not an easy situation.
Okay sorry just need to vent.
Post # 3
Hm. Well FI and I have a roommate (it’s my best friend/MOH/his friend too) so it’s not family or awkward, but alone time isn’t an issue for us simply because we all know eachother so well we know each other’s limits. I’m sensing you don’t think BIL will really know when to leave your H and you alone? I would feel the same way – FI’s brother would have no clue, and honestly I don’t think my brothers would either. Our situation works because it’s a friend who we’ve both known for years and who has a similar personality to us both.
I get the feeling that you feel uncomfortable with the whole idea, just by your post. If that’s the case…I don’t think you should agree with it. If either FI or myself had an issue we’d be out. Ya know? However, if I am misreading your thoughts and you don’t think him knowing his limits would be an issue, I don’t see a problem with it.
Post # 4
We had a friend living with us for a while. I had to kick him out. He couldn’t come to terms with the rules of the household and I drew a line. It sucked. Personally, I didn’t like the feeling of someone else in the house and having to be conscious of them (not that I walk around naked or listen to death metal at 4am, but still). It wasn’t for us. I’d say think about it long and hard, and have very open and honest conversations about the rules of the house and what the boundaries are. If any of those lines are crossed, then BIL has to hit the road.
I also have another friend who has a BIL living with them right now and it is not working out. She’s about ready to blow a gasket. Poor girl.
Post # 5
my friend and her FI have been together for almost 10 years and they’ll be married in august. they have a friend that just moved in and i don’t believe he’s planning on moving out after they get married.
while i couldn’t do it, obviously it’s working out for them. i think you just need to be comfortable with the idea and like PPs mentioned, lay some ground rules. if ground rules are broken, then BIL needs to move out. you need to make sure that DH is on board with keeping the consequences intact as well, so you’re not the one having to pursue the matter.
Post # 6
I have friends who have roomates and are married. He’s a single guy too. I know she mentions that she feels like she has 2 husbands, but he picks up after himself and gives her money to do his grocery shopping. i would just make sure I set up ground rules for it, so that it doens’t become a situation where you are complaining to DH about his brother all of the time.
Post # 7
The difference here is the BIL’s need vs. want. What does the BIL need? I’ve bounced around the idea of inviting DH’s cousin to come live with us if it will make it easier for her to go to college. It wouldn’t be the most desirable for us but if it’s the boost she needs… And if there was a close family or friend that needed help getting on their feet I would open the door easily. If they moved in though it would come with a deadline or rules, etc… so it’s clear to everyone the situation.
Post # 8
My husband and I have a very good mutual friend who lives with his parents. He’s also going through some hard times, and my very sweet husband asked me what I thought about him moving in with us. My husband works, I do not. I’m pregnant and will have a baby in 2 months. My response was a quick “no way!” As much as I would like to help, I feel like I have to look after myself first. And having someone else there, other then my husband, just wouldn’t be ok for me. He doesn’t work so he’d be home all day long watching tv and wanting to help take care of the baby. Which would be nice of him of course but it’s something that I would like to do on my own, since I am the mom. Plus, just having someone there 24/7 would drive me insane. So like I said, it’s just not going to happen.
For you it sounds like it would be kind of the same way, for your own sanity and happiness you should just say no. It might hurt your relationship with him to have him there b/c you’ll probably get annoyed with each other. And if money’s tight you shouldn’t have to spend more for a bigger place if you don’t need/want it. It’s not your responsibility to take care of him. Plus, if he lives with you, do you think that it would help him get on his feet? In our situation, I feel like our place would just be as cozy as our friend’s parent’s place so it wouldn’t really motivate him to do anything.
Post # 9
We have lived with room mates the first year we were engaged. Lived on our own for a year and now lived with another room mate for almost a year. I don’t mind but, when we are married (this week) i would prefer our place to be our own again. You cannot completley be yourselves and it can put a strain on your realtionship.
Post # 10
We lived with my FIL for 4 years total, 6 of those were after we got married. Now that we are on our own, I couldn’t imagine another person living with us. I think if you aren’t comfortable, then you need to tell him
Post # 11
@artbee: thanks! this is exactly how things probably are! I want to help but knowing how things will play out it probably won’t be ‘better’ just ‘different’ and still difficult for him. If he’s stressed w/panic attacks @ home will moving across the country w/no license, or job or savings while living w/us help? If only he’d realize that! This honestly is like the last option I’d recommend for him yet he plows forward being the optimist he is.
I was hoping for some good roommate stories – but doubt there’s as many compared to the married w/roommate bad situations!
Post # 12
FI best friend rents a room from us. Its pretty cool but sometimes I wish it was just us. We are debating whether or not to ask him to move out once we get married. We only have a two bedroom house and we would like to prepare for possibly expanding our family.
Post # 13
It honestly depends on your comfort level. FI youngest brother (just turned 20) has been living with us for almost 2 years now, and will probably go on living with us for the forseeable future. For us it isn’t a problem, but I know to a lot of outside people it seems odd.
In our case FI practically raised his brother after their parent’s divorce, which makes their relationship much closer to father/son instead of brothers.
Post # 14
My brother lived with us our entire engagement as well as our first 4 months of marriage. And my SIL (DHs twin) lived with us for about 6 weeks once we were married at the same time my brother was living with us.
We were already used to my brother living with us so it didnt really bother us. We had a 3 story townhouse at the time with 3 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. There was a basement with a TV and a regular living room so we could all be separate if we really wanted to. DH and I had alone time and we made sure to go on dates or take the dog on really long walks just to be by ourselves.
Actually we had someone living with us consistently for about 2.5 years – first DHs cousin, then his best friend, then my SIL, then my brother and my SIL again. We got used to it. It’s good to set ground rules in the beginning though. Who is responsible for cleaning, how will you buy groceries, what about toilet paper/paper towels or other things that are used in common areas. How will you split the bills and rent? There are a lot of little things that can come up while living with someone else that you dont think about at first. Just make sure to have open communication and lay out your expectations from the start.
Post # 15
We are house hunting now – my brother and SIL are going to have a baby soon and want to live with us for a few months. My mom will eventually move in too. We are looking for a big house with an in-law cottage so we can all have our privacy. If we couldn’t get a bigger house, we would re-think everything probably. I love my family so much but I also know that they and WE need our own space too.
It can be a hard situation. With my in-laws, almost everyone lives with someone. My husband and I live with my MIL and her brother (DH got laid off and now we are saving for a house now that he has a job). DH’s brother lives with HIS other brother and SIL (one bro and another couple…and kids on weekends). My BIL and his wife also have a roommate…I could go on and on since my DH has 7 siblings…
I think it can ONLY work if you know you can live with the potential roommate. I love a lot of people, but I can only live with a few. 🙂