(Closed) marry him: the case for settling

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
4372 posts
Honey bee

@BabyCarat:  I agree with the rebuttal. Thx for posting it. 

What a jaded view of both marriage and women. I pity any man that marries her. And in contradiction to Gottlieb’s assertion, I did marry the man of my dreams, so it is possible. And not all of us are just looking for a sperm donor. Heck, many women don’t want children at all. I’m surprised the Atlantic ever published such a poorly researched and argued piece. 

Post # 5
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@SoupyCat:  You’re very welcome. I too take issue with the author’s (Gottlieb’s) premise that our sole purpose is to “breed.” (The 1950s called. They want their antiquated, narrow view of the value of women back. As an aside, see also this: http://blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/2013/02/heres_the_1950s.php?page=2) I myself am childfree by choice and intend on staying that way. This has in no way impeded by ability to find a wonderful, thoughtful, loving man to marry. The notion that I’m somehow lying to myself or not fulfilling my “purpose” angers me. In my opinion, the author’s concept of marriage, love and all that goes with it is a means of justifying having children alone because you were unable to find a “suitable” marriage partner. If you want to have kids alone or via a sperm donor I say do it! But don’t try to ruin relationships for the rest of us by asserting that real love is a fallacy, marriages are hollow and that men are only valuable for their sperm.

Post # 6
Member
4372 posts
Honey bee

@BabyCarat:  agree with what you say. I feel bad for her children and the children of women who take her advice too. Growing up in a household with a loveless marriage will only perpetuate that cycle. It’s as if she sees her life as just a means to an end rather than something to enjoy and cherish. and if she must wallow in her own misery, she should leave good men out of it, those who deserve to have a wife madly in love with them rather than just one who “settled.”

Post # 7
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@SoupyCat:  I completely agree. It’s damaging to the husband and any kids that might result from the marriage. Talk about cutting hope down at the root for those who may be having a hard time finding the right person. But the right person is out there, but you won’t find them if you stop looking and phone it in using her advice. And can you imagine what it would be like if the man thought he was the right person for you and then he found out you “settled” on him? My gosh. Love shouldn’t be settling, it should be attaining something wonderful that you desire and brings you joy.

Post # 8
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Wow.

She just KNOWS that every woman wants babies (and you apparently NEED to be married for that)? Love clearly doesn’t exist, because she’s never experienced it. Forget about all the people who HAVE experienced it, and the fact that your brain actually produces a chemical while you’re in love (interesting fact- when a dog sees it’s owner, it’s brain produces the same chemical ours does when we’re in love! How cute). If she’s never experienced it, then it must not be real, we’re all liars who just want babies, and that’s all any of us are good for and we MUST be married to reproduce. Also, if we can love babies, why can we not love a man? I know it’s obviously a different kind of love, but I love everyone differently. I love my parents, my grandma, my siblings, my horses and dogs, FI, my friends- I love them all, but I love them all DIFFERENTLY. I don’t see how you can say ‘your sole purpose is to have babies you will love, but you can’t love anyone else’.

I find that to be ridiculous.

Post # 10
Member
951 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I only read half the article. I stopped because it kept making me roll my eyes.

 

Looks the desperate rantings and justifications of a very lonely woman…

Post # 11
Member
404 posts
Helper bee

Ugh. It’s the same attitude as twilight. All women really want in life is to be married and have a baby. In that order. Ideally with beautiful men, but failing that any man will do.

Post # 12
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think in this her lastest book she seems to understand that she made a mistake by setting her standards too high and pushing men away because they werent what she thought they were; only to discovery she was too quick in making judgements.

You can find love in your 40’s, 50’s, and above. I was just watching Lisa Ling talking about seniors and there were two seniors that met at a retirment home (78 and 79 not sure) but they fell in love, moved out of the retirement community, and got married and both are extremely happy.

I met my FI when I was 47 and he was 48 we plan to marry sometime this year. I say sometime because his tour was extended.

She painted men and relationships with a broad brush and now she is suffering the consequences of her actions. 

Post # 13
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@SoupyCat:  seriously. I couldnt have imagined my SO in my wildest dreams he is so amazing. Settling seems like it devalues you and the person you settle for.

Post # 14
Member
4372 posts
Honey bee

@Honeyblood:  Ug, Twilight. Don’t get me started on that condescending piece of moralizing crap masquerading as art. 

Post # 15
Member
404 posts
Helper bee

@SoupyCat:  I wasn’t awre anyone was under the impression it was art! What a disaster!

Post # 16
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t want babies, but I remember reading that article and absolutely agreeing with what the author said. I know a lot of lonely women who would be much happier now if they hadn’t been so irrationally picky in their younger years.

Why do women always get their feathers in a fluff when the word “settling” is mentioned? It has all these unnecessary negative connotations that irritate me.

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