Marry the man, Marry the in-laws?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Do you have to spend so much time with these people? As long as my FI was ok with it, I would just maintain distance from this crazy SIL and see the others as needed. He is free to have whatever kind of relationship he wants with them.

Post # 3
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

katherinicus:  honey, why on earth would you allow this woman to rage at you for an hour? I would have been walking out the door in 3 minutes flat. It sounds like you both need distance from these toxic people.

Post # 4
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

prahajess:  + 1

Yes, OP, been through this and I’m sorry you have to deal with it. Like you, if my partner didn’t stand by me, I would be gone. How do I deal? Keep my distance! One year, I ONLY saw them at Christmas!

 

Yes, you marry into the family, but a son leaves that family to start a new one with you, so to speak. Keep moving forward with that thought if you love each other. When the crazy comes out, you are NOT obligated to deal with it. It’s your partner’s family, so he must deal with it and protect you.

Post # 5
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee

You can’t choose who you are related to, but you can choose who you consider to be family.  It seems clear that you and your SO and better off keeping your distance from them.  If you guys want to go low contact or no contact, let your FI make the call and stick to the decision 100%.  And no, marriage will not force you to be any closer to them if you don’t want to be.  I feel no obligation towards my FIL’s and vice versa with my FI.

You’re right to keep boundaries up, and you’re right to be cautious that something worse may happen down the road.  The sister in particular sounds like she has anger and emotional issues.  You may want to do some preliminary research on restraining orders and keep the option in your back pocket if it ever comes to that.  I hope that it doesn’t, but you and your SO’s safety and comfort always come before keeping the peace with his family.

Post # 8
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

You go for that event, hang tight to you SO, be polite and then leave!

Post # 9
Member
16 posts
Newbee

It’s totally understandable! Even if you don’t want to be around them being excluded specifically can REALLY hurt. That’s absolutely normal. I’m sorry things are so sucky…

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  JSol24.
Post # 10
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: mountain venue

It sounds like that woman bitch (SIL) needs some medication. Live your life, distance yourself. As long as it does not disturb you and FI relationship then chuck it in the “fuck it bucket” and move on These people sound draining and not worth your time. There is one or two people in my FI’s family that i have had problems with, i just handle it myself and dont force him to br the go-in-between and just realize that you dont have to like or get alongwith everyone in the family but you do have to act civil at family get togethers and if one person refuses to do that, the family will see that and she will probably stop getting invites. I do think that confiding in your man and sending him to tell a family member to behave are 2 different things, i always tell my FI whats going on and have explained that i will dea with the issue myself so as to not look like a tattler or someone who cant handle her own issues. I think you should talk to your man for thereapeutic and open reasons not for him to be your messenger or attack dog. Good luck!

Post # 11
mswallabyBee
2070 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012 - Oak Tree Manor

My mom has been through that same exact situation with my dad’s parents. His mom passed away ~8 years ago, but a long time ago when they were dating and then newlyweds, she had to deal with the same problems you described. Now that I’m an adult, she’s opened up and told me stories about her relationship with her SIL (i.e. my aunt, my dad’s sister). All I can say is that if you love this man, then you can make it work – don’t let his sister ruin your relationship. My aunt is generally sour towards my mom, but her extreme nastiness has come and gone – they have been able to attend family events without her being overly rude to my mom. If your boyfriend is okay giving his sister some space for awhile, then that’s probably the best thing for you two. I’d say don’t completely cut her out of the picture – I would still send her cards/gifts for birthdays and holidays, and invite her to family events and of course your wedding. But don’t feel like you need to be super close with her either…there’s only so much you can do. Good luck!!

Post # 13
mswallabyBee
2070 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012 - Oak Tree Manor

Oh, and one thing I’ll add – it sounds like your boyfriend has a very rocky family situation altogether, so when his mom eventually passes away, his crazy sister may be his only surviving blood relative (which is the case for my dad). It’s really painful for him to have so few blood relatives around – luckily my mom’s family is pretty close and they’ve welcomed him as their own, but it still hurts on holidays and times like that. He has always made an effort to call her, and bail her out when she runs out of money, etc. I can’t imagine how much worse it would be for him if he never, ever saw her or spoke to her – to have no living family that you talk to is so sad. So anyways, just trying to point out that long-term, you may be glad to keep her in your lives (even if you don’t spend much time with her) so tread carefully. People change a lot over a lifetime, and I really hope she will warm back up to you!!

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors