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If the priest won't spill the beans, how would your family find out? Is the Aunt trust worthy? Sorry, I don't know any answers but am curious to know answers from other bees.
@jessiesbabe: She is trust worthly since its been a year and she has known, but she is not in any contact with my family. Also his family knows (household wise)
We're in the same boat! My husband and I got married at the courthouse because he is military and we wanted to be married before I moved across the country to be with him. Also, we just didn't want to wait! =] Now, we are having our "big" wedding in five months, and his family doesn't know.
We had planned on keeping it a secret from everyone, but the stress and lies got to be too much for me personally. I hated having to keep such a big secret. I was going to have it at a venue rather than a church so I didn't have to "lie" to the church, but then my dad threw a fit and said it had to be at the church I grew up in. I panicked, and told him the truth, explaining that I wasn't sure if we could have the wedding there since we were already technically married.
What religion are you? I'm Baptist, and I just called the church and basically told them it was a renewing of the vows ceremony. That way we didn't have to do the counseling, pre-marital class, online assessment, etc. It was not a problem for them at all, and I talked to the pastor personally and told him the situation, asking that he not share the information with my family. They do have a confidentiality thing, so they wouldn't tell your family if you asked them not to.
May I ask the reason you aren't sharing the news with your family? If you would prefer not to share, that's fine too. For us, it was because we are young (20 at the time, 21 now) and our parents didn't approve. My family was adamant about me finishing my bachelors degree before making such a committment, because God forbid it didn't work out, they wanted me to have a plan B. His family was going through a rough divorce, so he didn't want to "salt the wounds" for his parents. In the end, I told my parents and they took it well! I had already moved across the country to be with him, so it eased the transition, but they understood that I am an adult and can make my own decisions. It feels so great to have it off my chest!!
That being said, it is still very possible to get married in a church. Just make sure you talk to the pastor/priest ahead of time so they know what is going on, and know not to spill the beans!
@Nienie87: I'm sorry. wasn't trying to be snarky. Wanted to confirm I got it, is all.
@Nienie87: My FI and I are married... (military guy..wanted to be married for the benefits blah blah) and we are planning our wedding in July. I don't think its that hard to do... Just explain to the guy in charge and see what he suggests.
I am catholic, and the sucky part is, if it is a chruch wedding...my uncle would be the priest to do it, so I don't know if his family side or the priest side would come out when I tell him.
One of my best friends did this, and we had no idea. She married her husband in Feb. 2008 while they were in Vegas. Then in August 2008 he proposed with the ring and all, and their wedding was in a Catholic church in August 2009.
Honestly, I was in the wedding and I just found out about this a couple weekends ago! His parents didn't know either. It can definitely be done.
@MrsNeutrino: Haha the guy in charge (the priest) is my uncle >.<
@Sunshine1810: I would love to know how they managed, like what they asked the priest exactly. So I know what exactly to ask or say (other then telling him the situation)
@Nienie87: She said that they just sat down with the priest and explained that they had a civil marriage in 2008, but that it meant a lot to them to be married in the church. We are Catholic too, and honestly the church considers being married in a civil sense, and then being married in the church as very separate things.
I think that most Catholic churches would be happy that you two are making the decision to marry in the church. I know that my friend had no issues with it.
@Sunshine1810: This makes me feel a lot better, other then the fact of my Uncle being the Priest hahah.
I had some friends who married a few months before their date because he lost his job and her enrollment period for benefits was very limited. The only reason we found out is because they left a picture on their fridge, and someone made the connection between flowers, nice dress, and government building.
They just proceeded with the ceremony on their wedding day as planned. It was just as beautiful, and no one who hadn't been told could have figured it out otherwise. I don't see why it would be a big deal to your officiant, particularly as the last ceremony was a civil one and this is a religious.
@atalante: Hahah my photos are on a flash drive. I won't be doing anything with them till after the ceremonial wedding, add them the the album (since not everyone will come over to look at ours when they will have theyre own)
I was raised Catholic but don't necessarily align myself with any religion at this point in my life. That being said: putting myself in your shoes- I would be worried that my uncle would want me to confess and pay penance by admitting to my parents that I'd lied. Could you picture him doing something like this?
@Nienie87: We did this for house-buying reasons. What we had was a convalidation ceremony in the Catholic chuch since we were already married civilly. We still did Pre-Cana, etc. It was nice.
My advice? Tell your Uncle. Let him know that for whatever reason (health insurance, immigration issues, etc.) you needed to get married on paper, but this is going to be your wedding. There is no legal need to disclose that you're already married in the eyes of the state since we have a separation between the two. You'll just want him to know so he doesn't wonder why he's not signing your marriage license.
Further advice? Let your immediate family know. Tell them the same thing that you told your uncle, that you did this for _____ reason, and you just consider it getting your paperwork done early. This takes your Uncle out of the equation so he doesn't have to feel awkward knowing he's the only one who knows your secret.
@Nienie87:Have you thought about the consequences of the dishonesty? Will your family be pissed off? Will your priest uncle go along with the story? IDK I'm scared someone will find out and it will cause a big stink in the family and overshadow the special day. Can you not be honest and call it a recommitment ceremony?
If I were you, I'd be more worried about the "church-legal" complications of doing what you're doing...it will be more of a convalidation, and the priest NEEDS to know that in advance. (I don't know all the details, but it can be complicated to do, like, you have to explain why you didn't get married in the Church in the first place, and why you want to get married now, and if you don't have a good reason for it--not to scare you, -but they don't have to marry you. I'm also not sure, but I think for a convalidation you might even need the bishops permission or something? Regardless, it's a serious matter.)
For example, when we met with our priest, one of the things they ask (along with "are you being forced into this," "are you related," etc,) is "have you been married before." (Serious questions, you can see!) And, in your case, you're going to have to answer "yes," so I'd recommend that you get that out of the way asap and figure out if what you're planning on doing is even ok with the church.
@thismustbetheplace: a priest can never FORCE you to go to confession. he can only give you penances once you're already in there!
@Soladylike: As I previously said in my main post I know how people will (or may feel) but telling them will be my decision and if I choose to tell them the truth it will be after the wedding.
@joy2011: I already know this, I know I will need to tell my Uncle.
@Nienie87: Hi! I have several friends who have been in similar situations and not told anyone until after their "big" wedding ceremonies. I have a friend who married her fiance before he was deployed for Afghanistan, but then continued with a ceremony as usual. I have another friend who married her fiance before they moved out-of-state together and didn't tell anyone. Another friend lost her job about 6 months before her wedding, and was having some health issues. They got married early so she could still be covered with health insurance.
My point is that it definitely can be done, but it is probably not easy. Maybe try talking to a priest who is not your uncle and see what he says about the situation. He may be able to help you understand the rules and processes more so that you can plan accordingly.
Regardless of what happens, just remember that you have a husband who loves and supports you, and anyone else who truly loves you will eventually get over it (probably not without some serious apologizing and explaining though).
Good luck, and let us know how it goes!
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Please no bashing, I know how people will feel if they found out.
My husband and I married a year ago via Justice of the Peace, we are happy with our decision, it was a nice small romantic ceremony between me and him with his Aunt as witness, his family knows what we did (they don't live in the country)
So my family does not know, and we recently become "engaged" and are planning on holding a in church ceremony (and then down the line a ceremony in Thailand for his family)
Does anyone know how to go about a in church ceremony without my family knowing?
I've been told the priest has a confidentiality thing, so I can tell him and it would be kept under wraps but maybe if someone has done it could give me advice, or someone who does know (for whatever reason they know.) I am still excited about having a wedding ceremony, it feels like I'm actually engaged all over again.