Marrying into baby mama drama.

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
6504 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Has your FI gone to court to get custody rights? If someone was threatening to keep my child from me that would be my next step.

Post # 4
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Mrrightsbridetobee:  How old are you guys? In my experience it gets better as we get older and we all grow up. I also have a blended family (I have three, he has three) and I’m able to deal with his ex and even meet with her to pick up/drop off the kids, no drama. She sounds really immature tbh. Good luck!!

Post # 5
Member
4797 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Mrrightsbridetobee:  Yeah, legally she has to provide a phone number and an address. It’s the law. Aside from that, my when I married my (ex) husband he had FOUR kids, the youngest was almost 2. It was haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard. Four is a lot. And yes, I had to deal with the ex-wife. I felt like we were always picking up the pieces of the messes she made. We never spoke ill of her and boy was that hard to do, too. Especially because the kids of course adored her, but we knew the real truths of the stupid things she’d do and could never tell them. And then she got remarried it was almost worse because the new husband was an idiot, too. At one point they all came to live with us for years.

I don’t know if I can offer advice except that YES, you will be definitely dealing with her shenanigans forever. And that part sucks the big one. You just have to decide if you can and if it’s worth it.

Post # 5
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am divorced and so is my husband (not from each other obviously).  We each have iron clad (well, mine is better than his, but I digrtess) agreements that spell out custodial rights and child support.  As both a biomom and a step mom, here is my perspective.  Remember you are not the child’s mother, and no matter how much you love him, he will be loyal to his bio mother.  Even is she is crazy.  You cannot let that bother you or hold it against the kid.  You are better off letting your FI do most of the heavy lifting and disciplining and ALL of the communication with the ex.  Firm boundaries much be in place.  You don’t worry about what goes on at her home (absent abuse or drug use or something) and you do your best to keep her from interfering in your home.  That will be your FI’s job.  To set boundaries.  Iron clad ones.  Never, ever speak ill of the child’s mother in front of the child.  You may think she is a loonball, but half of your step child’s genes came from that person.  You will affect his sense of self worth if you bad mouth her.  Aslo, your FI, if he gets in arguments a lot, need to do most communication in writing.  It should be brief, business like, and only deal with the child.

 

But seriously, boundaries are the most important.  No unnesessary communication.  Keep everything business like.  Ignore excessive and useless texts and phone calls.  Not everything requires a response.  Also, have your FI shield you from as much of it as possible.  You do not need to be dragged in to every detail.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  NavyBee.
Post # 7
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I can understand what you are dealing with, I also said I would not date a man with children and my FI has a son, so I know it’s part of the package. The mother is awful to deal with. Cuts off her phone when she wants, won’t be home when she says she will be, we take him on weekends and she’ll call on Sunday and say she’s not coming home for several weeks and we have to deal with it. It translates down to the child who is extremely difficult to look after, but that’s another story.

My suggestion – keep away from her. Let your FI deal with her. Don’t go with him to get the child or drop them off, don’t have any interaction with her. No matter what you do, you will not please her, so just keep her out of your life as much as you can. 

Post # 8
Member
4876 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Mrrightsbridetobee:  If your fiance has gone to court for his custody rights, what was agreed upon in court? He needs to go in asking for specific requirements and visitation. Everytime the ex doesn’t comply, she’ll be violating their custody agreement and can go to jail.

Post # 9
Member
42460 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Is there a reason that she is not obligated to provide information about the baby’s (and her) address? Normally, unless there was some history that made the court feel like she needed the protection, he would know her address. He is the baby’s next of kin if anything happened to the Mom.

Post # 10
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June, 2014

Mrrightsbridetobee:  I understand exactly where you’re coming from! I married my husband knowing he has a son from a previous relationship. The crazy wench literally kidnapped his child and now that we’re married and stable and settled, we get to do the fun custody battle stuff. She moved them to Florida and we’re in Nebraska, so not only do we have to fight the custody battle but we have to do it from across state lines. 

We, too, are the best option for the custodial family and his mom HATES me because of that. She hates that I take time to spend with my husband’s child instead of sending him to his room to sleep. She hates that he comes back with a better vocabulary and language skills (I’m a teacher and she’s put him so far behind in his development I spend a lot of time trying to catch him up before he goes to kindergarten.) She thinks I’m stuck up and that I’m trying to turn her kid against her. Completely ridiculous. 

I don’t know if I can give you much advice aside from that it eventually gets better… At least that’s what I keep telling myself. After the custody crap, after you’re married and you’re not “just the fiancée”, after that child starts thinking of you as a mom instead of some random chick… It gets better. You belong with your future husband and because of that, you are part of his family! Unfortunately that includes baby mama drama right now. Solidarity, lady! If you need to commiserate with someone who’s going through the same crap, send a pm. You’re in my thoughts and I hope it gets better!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  ren89.
Post # 13
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June, 2014

Mrrightsbridetobee:  You need to find an excellent custody lawyer! You don’t have to do the legwork to find her and serve her with papers, they’ll do that for you. You just need a name and they’ll track her down. Especially if you tell them those kinds of things because it is neglect and they will grant you emergency temporary full custody. I know it’s costly to get a good later, but it’s worth it in the end. 

I know how frustrating it is to get them progressing and then having them relapse! It’s exhausting. I love working with my stepson but I hate it when he comes back and his mother has erased everything we’ve taught him. I so hope that everything goes well for you in this. 

Post # 15
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

This might sound awful, but perhaps part of the reason she is being so secretive about where she lives is because she is living with a man and doesn’t want your FI to know.  I would highly suggest he does a paternity test, even if it’s just a mail in one (they are around $80).  My husband’s ex acted just like this… turns out she was living with her son’s bio dad (she cheated).  You just want to be 100% sure because it would be awful if you guys tried for custody or something and she says “oh he’s not even the real dad” and totally effs you.  (Or if she tries to go for higher child support or something). 

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