Post # 1
This has been bugging me for a while and I need some advice or input. My fiance and I got engaged several months ago (we’ve been together/lived together for MANY years). He didn’t put any effort into the “proposal”. He just kind of said we were engaged. I picked out the ring (he said “yeah that one’s nice”). I had to order it. When it arrived he didn’t want to put it on me and didn’t say anything nice, which of course really deflated me. I also picked out the restaurant to celebrate. I would be over all of that by now.. except he hasn’t put any effort into the planning the wedding either. When I recently confronted him about it (the wedding planning) he said that he doesn’t really want to get married but he doesn’t want to loose me so he’s going to do it. When I said “…what?” he said, “Well, I’m not dreading it or anything.”
I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t see why something like that would upset me… I even think he thought I’d be flattered that he didn’t want to “loose” me so badly that he’d basically be willing marry me and won’t “dread” it.
I am really sad. And disappointed. And confused. But mostly sad. I need some advice please. Sorry if this is all over the place I feel like I’m rambling.
Post # 3
You deserve much, much more than that. I dated a guy for 10 years that didn’t want to lose me, but didn’t want to marry me either. I ended up pregnant and he left his son and I 7 months later. Suddenly he didn’t want to lose his freedom to do whatever he wanted. He was comfortable and didn’t want to rock the boat.
It shouldn’t be this hard. If the situation was right, you wouldn’t have to ask us what we thought.
Post # 4
Sent from my Android
ummmmmm…..you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him! Why would you want to be planning a wedding with someone that only wants to marry you so he doesn’t lose you?
And is your wedding date really 2 yeas away? What planning can you be doing this early?
Post # 5
I agree with everything MapleBecky said. It sounds like you deserve much better than that. It sound like he is comfortable and doesn’t want to rock the boat.
Post # 6
@MapleBecky: Totally agreed. He should be excited over the fact that he’s getting to marry you, not just “not dreading it.”
@MrsStrawberry24: There are plenty of Bees who have long engagements; there are details you can begin considering two years in advance.
Post # 7
IMO I would reconsider. It just doesn’t seem right. That is horrible to say to someone.
Post # 8
princesspretti24 – I never said that I wanted to marry a man who was only marrying me because he doesn’t want to loose me… and he just told me this yesterday. Right now I cannot sit down and talk to him, he’s away on business. This isn’t my usual screen name so when I made this I picked a random date.
Post # 9
What made him think he was going to lose you if he didn’t agree to marry him? Did he just feel that way, or were you pressuring him about getting married?
It’s great that he cares about you so much that he wants to get married to keep you, but that shouldn’t be how this unfolds and it seems likely that it could lead to marital problems later on if you both aren’t into this in a real way. I think you should talk to him about this and see what he really wants. Is he okay with just being together for now? Are you? If he is skittish about actually being engaged or getting married, what are his concerns? Maybe they could be addressed if you talk about it with each other openly and honestly. Tell him how you feel about his “not dreading” it and not being involved. Express to him that you want him to be involved and happy about it, and if you are willing, that you’ll wait until he’s at a place when he can do that for you- until then though, I would postpone any definitely wedding planning.
I was with my now fiance for 8 years before we decided to get married. I wanted to marry him for a long time, but he just wasn’t ready. I thought about it a lot and decided that he was a lot of what I wanted in a man, so that I would wait until he was ready. Maybe your guy just needs more time. I know that can be frustrating, but if he’s worth it, he’s worth it. I really hope things work out well for you. Good luck.
Post # 10
I agree with what’s above. Has he been pressured/ given an ultimadum about marriage? If so it makes perfect sense. Have you ever suggested that you’ll leave if you don’t get married in the future? Because if that is the case… he’s really just doing it because he has to.
If his dream wasn’t ever to get married, then why WOULD he be excited to wedding plan? Most guys aren’t even the ones who ARE thrilled to get married to their partners.
I think you honestly expected to much of him (in terms of his excitement level for wedding planning.) I had to pull teeth to get him to sit down and discuss the FOOD menu! LOL.
And you MAY have twisted his words… is he not dreading the “wedding” or is he not dreading the marriage. Because there’s a HUGE difference.
Post # 11
i’m sorry your going through this, why would you want to marry someone that doesnt want to marry you? You should be with someone who wants to marry you and isnt just doing it so he doesnt lose you
Post # 12
I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but to be honest I see red flags all over your first post. You’ve been making this work and instead of meeting half way, you’re pulling all of the weight. You deserve to be with someone who wants to get married, and he deserves to be with someone who doesn’t want to get married. You’re on very different paths and it’s just not fair to force either party into something they’re not fully into.
I suggest that you separate for a while at the very least, and really do some soul searching to determine if this is what you BOTH want. I know I’d never be able to marry someone who gave me that kind of response, but that’s just me.
Post # 13
I was in the same scenario and ended up walking away (breaking up with the intention to move forward) to give him time to really figure out what he wants. The back and forth 4 years of “maybe” was tiring and hurtful. He got a chance to think things through and came back. He’s still doubtful at times but now he is 100% commited. He did an amazing, well thought out proposal. Not quite good when it comes to wedding planning but he’s a guy. I’m happier than ever 😛
So I second what others are saying… maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship. By now, he knows you well enough whether to want to be with you or not. He might just need that opportunity to make a conscious choice.
Post # 14
My Fiance said he doesn’t want a wedding, but wants marriage. I think you need some clarity…I’ve been under the impression since my Fiance said that to me that guys do want marriage, but they dread the wedding planning and the crazy that it brings. It consumes their partners for over a year, and then after the big day some ladies get depressed because there is no more wedding to plan.
For this reason we decided on a small destination. He has been much more receptive to talking about planning now that we changed our minds and decided to not do traditional and go simple and small. Maybe if you are able to get some clarity, you will find out that he may just be scared of a wedding, and dreads a wedding, not marriage to you.
Post # 15
Agreed on the wedding vs. marriage thing.
Regardless, please sit down and talk with him. It’s hard to offer advice, but I can say that the situation you’re describing is a set up for let down/resentment in the future. You need someone who’s willing to be there in the trenches with you.
You have time, whatever you choose, just address this. It’s much easier to split during an engagement than it is to go through a divorce. :
Post # 16
Ewwwww. I could give him the benefit of the doubt if he treated you really well and you had a fantastic relationship, but he didn’t want the fuss of a wedding. But really? Who says that?
A guy who doesn’t truly appreciate you, that’s who. If he is only marrying you to not lose you, he deserves to lose you.
My ex broke up with me and then led me on for another two years after that. Basically he didn’t want to lose me totally because I was the comfortable thing to fall back on. But he didn’t actually want to be with me.
I’m sure it’s hard because you’ve lived together for so many years, but I’d think seriously whether you want to live your life with someone who ‘doesn’t dread’ your marriage. Who knows – if you actually leave, he may realize he cares more than he thinks he does.