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You said yourself you are a control freak, and this sounds way way way too controlling over the ring. Give him a little space to do his own researching and shopping.
Honestly guys have NO IDEA until they start ring shopping. I think my DH probably thought rings cost like $500 for a one carat. Let him do some shopping on his own so he can see what a great deal it is.
We are frugal people, but I put my foot down on being frugal with my ring.
One thing I noticed is that you did all the research on your own without talking to him about his expectations as well as yours. It sounds like you need to sit down and talk about it in person not through e-mails or texts.
You also need to explain to him the emotional value you are attching to the ring. How it isn't just another practical gift.
Try and find out what he was planning on spending. If he was just planning on running to the local chain store and picking up a lab-created gemstone for $100 while you want a more traditional ring, you really need to find a common ground. It sounds like there is a presidence set with regards to being thrifty. If an engagment ring is not something he thinks a lot of money (to him) should be spent on, then you need to try and find the middle ground.
Are you my twin?? Wow. I could have written most of this too. Has your SO done reserach and gotten an idea of how much rings go for?? Am I correct in assuming you're looking at dimaond rings? If you are and have truely found a good deal, I would honestly continue to nudge him a little and encourage him to look around and see that this is a good deal. Could he be trying to throw you off? My husband use to roll his eyes at how expensive diamonds were and I was totally convinced he'd set the budget much lower than we could acutally afford and he ended up spending more than what I probably would have if I picked it out. Dont feel offended or shallow. Men have a different view on e-rings. MY husband STILL thinks my ring was too expensive for what it is... and I cant honestly say I disagree, its just a little sparkly thing on my finger!! But it's what I wanted and my one crazy splurge that he wanted me to be happy with... we both know I'll probably never get to spend this kind of money on a little decorative item again.
@Duchess Lena: I should probably mention, that he did approve of the price range I came up with after I sent him the email showing examples of what I had found. He actively participates in the household budgeting. And we have discussed this in person. We do talk in real life, lol. He wanted to know what I'd like in a ring style, and he knows the details. His sudden 360 turn around on this is what is so confusing to me! I have also been very careful to NOT discuss this excessively or bombard him with billions of emails.
BTW, the ring is definitely not a $10,000 giant diamond or anything.
@delirium.megans: I don't think there's anything wrong with her looking for a ring she loves and researching it to find the best value for a style she likes. If I hadn't done a hell of a lot of research, I wouldn't have known about different lab created stones, durability, what a reasonable price is, etc. While some guys do research, most don't know where to start. If I'd left it entirely up to my guy, I'd probably end up with something more expensive and not to my style than the ring I currently want.
Just have a talk with him. He probably has no concept of what this stuff actually costs. Perhaps show him statistics on the average cost of an ering? And while the concept of an ering may be a materialistic one in general, this is a one-time thing. Of all the things we buy on a daily basis, how many of them are we actually going to own for the rest of our lives?
Maybe you should share your research with him and help him understand what a ring is REALLY goig to cost. Like PP some guys have no clue when it comes to $ of rings.
@AshleyR83: On his sudden mysterious turn-around, no. I don't want to put him off with a confrontation over something like this.
Is it possible that he's already purchased a ring, or at least put a deposit on one? Maybe that's why he's reponding the way he is. Also, since he's already told you he's planning on asking soon, maybe he wants to feel as though there is some element of surprise? I know that before we got engaged, he asked if we could go look at rings, to see what I liked. In the end, he chose something that was very similar, but didn't choose one of the EXACT ones I'd tried on. And, it is perfect. I actually love that it was something he chose, I feel like it's a bit more special that way.
@abirdword: It just seemed to be a little much, and she said she was a control freak, and it sounds like she is trying to control the situation. Some men don't like to be emailed rings like "oh buy me this one," but I don't know her future FI. I do know my H wanted to do the ring stuff himself and wanted it to be a surprise.
@14KaratCake: I think you should just ask him! If you plan to be married, you should be able to be open and honest about these things. If he previously agreed to whatever budget you had decided, then I don't see any harm in saying "I'm a little confused, I thought we had agreed that X amount was our budget?" It doesn't have to be a negative confrontation, but explain it in a way that you're confused. I really think it will be ok! :) I definitely feel you - you sound very similar to me! I knew exactly what I wanted and I didn't want anything else! I gave my now fiance specifications and did not want him to deviate from those. I'm sure he thought I was being controlling but he loves me and would give me whatever I want. I'm sure your man feels the same way! :)
@MalbecMe: I was just going to say this!
My FI did the same thing. He purchased my ring the DAY AFTER we went looking at rings-it was one I tried on, he made it seem like it was way out of budget- of course it was my favorite! We went to other places and he was completely turned off. He might have picked out a ring already.. Which would be very sweet of him.
It's odd that he approved the price range and then suddenly changed his mind... maybe his friends convinced him that is a lot to pay and now he's having second thoughts about spending that much? Also, maybe he means it's expensive, but he'll still buy it? Maybe he's trying to pull the wool over your eyes by telling you he won't spend that much and then suprising you with it? idk.
@14KaratCake: Could the problem be eBay? Is it possible that he is uncomfortable spending that much on something from eBay? Maybe he feels it is too much money on something so high risk. He wouldn't get a chance to approve the stones and there is little he can do if the ring isn't as advertised.
You said that it was bigger and more intricate, maybe he didn't like it. I know that my fiance and I disagreed on ring styles for a long time. He was set on getting me a three stone princess engagment ring because of the "past, present, and future" concept and the modern look of the diamond. I wanted a cusion cut with a halo. In fact until I found the cushion cut diamond with a halo I wanted an antique ring with an old mine cut diamond (in fact most of the antique rings I picked out had a halo too). It took alot of discussion and me reminding him that I was the one wearing the ring and that he should consider my style and tastes.
If the issue is eBay, I understand why he feels uncomforatble with a large purchase without a store and policy's to back it up. If it is an issue of asthetics try having a similar conversation with him as I had with my fiance.
also, just be careful buying from ebay. if the deal is too good to be true, that always raises red flags for me.
do tons and tons of online browsing. I had no idea the price range rings could be. also, before I got engaged, I had never heard of white sapphires or moissanite. if I had known about those before, I would have asked for one. if your budget is severly limited, these gemstones can make a gorgeous ring at a fraction of the price of diamonds.
okay, this problem is VERY easily resolved...simply go with him to a jeweler. This is what I did. My boyfriend and I went to a jeweler, after I had reseached obsessively as you did....we sat down with the jeweler who explained that a 2 carat diamond would cost $25,000. I told my boyfriend, I could find that same diamond pre-owned for a much better price, an hour later I went to the site idonowidont.com, and showed my boyfriend an even better 2 carat ring already set in a gorgeous setting,,,I showed him that it was GIA certified just as the jeweler's diamond and that the ring originally cost $31k, and the guy was only asking $18500. Guess what? The following day, he bought the ring.
UPDATE:
First, I want to say, everyone on here had EXCELLENT advice and it helped me think of a few different ways to talk to him. Thank you!
Last night, we did talk about it. Guess what his reasons were?
#1: He didn't like the style of it, and thought it was overpriced for what it looked like. Too bad, buckaroo, I'm the one wearing it for the next 70 years. He got the message on that point.
#2: This next reason is why I think he's so super sweet, and maybe he saved himself an argument by saying it...he said:
"Shopping for an engagement ring is something I want us to do together, because it's a symbol of our permanent commitment to each other. And you're right, it's important we get something that you like and want to wear forever. The price doesn't matter."
I love this guy! So today we emailed back and forth for a while on our lunch breaks and went over ones we liked; I think we might have found one!
Have the two of you sat down to discuss a budget (or at least a general price range) for the ring? If so, then he should not have been surprised with what you chose.
If he can afford it--and ESPECIALLY if he can comfortably afford it--I would be extraordinarily offended if I were in your position. A ring is a lifelong investment in you, and you deserve to have the ring of your dreams.
I know everyone has a different opinion on this subject. But since you asked, here's my two cents. My engagement ring symbolises our love and commitment to each other, yes; that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. When I look at my ring, that is what I think about, "our love".
However, that being said, this is a ring I will wear on my finger for the rest of my life. I wanted something that I can wear when I'm 55 and not feel like I don't like it anymore.
I actually went out with SO to choose the ring. Ironically, we did end up choosing the ring that he had picked (suggested to me) from the beginning, but he supported me througout the "looking process" and knowing how controlling I am, he let me look at everything that there is, so I would be sure to LOVE my ring forever, and would have peace of mind. Obviously, that is my experience and not everyone is like me (needing to see everything to make sure to get the best deal/best ring). And yes we paid a bit more for my ring, but it's a ring that I love because of how it looks, and for what it means to me. It's perfect.
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I know this broad subject has been posted in various forms about a bajillion times here, but I couldn't find anything quite the same as what I'm going through at the moment.
Backstory: We've had the "I proclaim my everlasting love for you and want to die in your arms etc etc etc" talks -- which he started, btw -- and he has made very crystal clear his intentions to marry me. And his plan to do the down on one knee dance soon. As in, within a few months from now.
Therefore, being the resourceful control freak that I am, I start looking at rings LIKE MAD, doing CRAP TONS of resarch on everything engagement ring related, because this is what I do with pretty much everything in my life. Research it like it's a cure for cancer I'm after. He knows I do this. At the same time, I'm factoring the cost into our budget, which is maintained on an Excel spreadsheet down to the penny. I know the price range that will be comfortable, and I restrict my search to this very specific range. As an aside, we make pretty good money.
After all this effort on my part over the past month, I narrowed down the style, stone and metal. We got my finger sized at a jewelers the other day while at the mall -- at his suggestion, mind you. I sent him an email with four somewhat similar rings that I like above all a couple weeks ago. Then today, I find someone on eBay selling a ring that is AWESOME, bigger, more intricate, and CHEAPER than the ones I had found! I'm like, SCORE!
I send him an email with the info.
"Can you believe this ring is $X?! And nobody has bid on it yet!"
His reply:
"I can believe it, for $X smackaroos."
What? So I reply, somewhat jokingly, "LOL, so you think $X is too expensive for something like that, huh?"
"Yes."
Insert sound of my brain exploding.
What do I say to this? What do I even do? I am conflicted because:
I am definitely NOT materialistic. I buy clothes at Goodwill and thrift stores because I think used/vintage stuff is awesome. I proudly wear cheap plastic, rhinestone and shell jewelry. I like gifts I can eat or practical things like kitchen utensils or books. I garden, do canning, sew clothes. The less money I spend on something THE BETTER. He is the same way. We're perfect for each other.
On the flip side...this engagement ring is going to be something I fully intend to wear until the coroner pries it off my cold dead 90 year old finger. I want it to be something I actually like. And I am very particular in my taste. My taste may be funky or whatever, but it's damn specific. I feel it is an investment and heirloom piece, and spending $X is well worth it.
So being upset at him saying, "What you like is too expensive" makes me feel at once offended and shallow. I KNOW we can afford it, or any of the other rings I like. So why does he think it's too expensive?! But should I really be offended if he wants to spend less?
So confused...