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not to be rude, but here's some perspective--- my mom passed away 2 years ago - so i had to go dress shopping alone, the hubbs & i are planning this alone without her cheerful support, and i cant hug or give her a kiss at the Rd or reception b/c well, she's in a coffin 6 feet under...
harsh yes, but it's the truth! you're lucky your mom is still around, kwim??
work with what you've got and try to make the most out of it - yes moms can be unreasonable - it's what mothers do - and whatever they do, it's from love, too much or not enough, it's all from love...
Perhaps, like you wrote, your mom isn't "ready" for you to get married. With your bother going off to college in August and you getting married in November...that's a lot of big changes for her in a relatively short time. I'm sure it's tough for her.
What if you two go to a restaurant that's special to you both, just to spend time together. You can let her honestly know why you have made those decisions. If finances are tight for them in November, at least you have given them a ten month notice so that they can start saving a bit each month! The wedding is not just about you...it's about you and your fiance. Even though your home church is too small to begin with, you thought it best to start your marriage off at the same place you started dating...just be honest with her about everything.
As for your father being your minister/dad...I know how you feel. My dad has always told us kids he just wants to be our dad on our wedding day without officiating the ceremony. And then he and Mom get upset when my brother chooses another minister for his wedding! What if you have your dad say a prayer in the ceremony, to compromise and make him a little part of it and make your mom happy?
I'm not sure if you have been doing this all along, but be sure to keep her updated and involved with the wedding plans...talk about colors and themes, have her go shopping with you for the dress and shoes. Being a part of the planning may make her excited about the wedding so she won't be as likely to be upset.
Good luck!
print out what you wrote above, go to a restaurant with your mom (public place, can't get too worked up! ;D ) and try to work it out. Hopefully seeing it in writing and then discussing might help with rationalizing all your plans to her.
just because a mother is a mother doesnt give them to right to be selfish. this wedding is not about her. its about the two of you and your union. i suppose since she didn't tell you face to face that she feels sorta bad about how she feels. but you cant leave it hanging in the air. you have to talk to her about it and clear things up or it will (as it ALWAYS does) become a bigger issue. every time some small detail gets messed up, the feelings from the previous issues will rise to the surface. you cannot satisfy everyone. it is impossible. maybe the issues your mom has, stem from her lack of understanding of the logistics that both families have to deal with. the reasons why you shouldn't have it in your hometown make complete sense. how can she argue with reason?
I don't know. If she can't bring herself to tell you her concerns directly, then she has no right to expect you address them. I refuse to deal with second-hand complaints.
The fact that she has told your grandmother all of this instead of you makes me think she knows she's being unreasonable and she's just venting. She must surely know, for example, that your dad doesn't want to officiate your wedding, but that doesn't mean it doesn't make her unhappy.
How has she been to you? I mean, this came out of the blue, apparently, so it sounds like she hasn't been nasty or mean to you? If she hasn't, then I'd say let it go.
I'm sure our parents have very complicated feelings about our weddings, which they don't share with us because it isn't appropriate. But I'm sure, too, that they need to vent sometimes about it to others. Maybe your mother is stressed out about handling everything and was just expressing her wish that it could be put off a year without really expecting that it would be.
Obviously you know your mom, so I could be totally off base, but it sounds like your grandmother could be passing along info that was never meant to reach your ears.
the dynamic bw my mom and I has been wierd. I totally envisioned this all going down a different way. I thought we would do things together, pour over wedding related stuff together, really bond.
I thought she would be with me thru every step of this process bc I am her only daughter, and my fiance is hundreds of miles away forcing me to do most if not everything without him.
Instead she has been short with me. Displays very little interest in wedding related conversation. Often doesnt like my ideas and seems to avoid the conversation all together. Today I have a site walk thru with a banquet hall and she told me that she will not be coming bc someone needs to stay home with my brother who recently dislocated his knee (he spent yesterday by himself while everyone else went to work and school. she also went to work today).
This has left me confused. I am not sure whats going on here, but I can tell you that I am getting my feelings hurt and am spending way too much time with my office door closed crying. 
i know I'm blessed to still have my mother among the living, but she's making life pretty hard right about now.......
I wonder if your mom is really super upset (enough for you to make changes) or if she was maybe just venting to your grandmother. In my family, my sister and I vent about my mom, my mom and I vent about my sister... If I have something to actually say to my sister, I call her. So its possible your mom hasn't said anything to you because she doesn't really want you to actually change all your plans. Its also possible that your grandmother has sort of blown this out of proportion.
However, I wonder how much your mom has been involved in the decisions made to date? It sounds like you have talked to your dad. Maybe your mom just feels left out of the process. You don't necessarily have to confront her about everything your grandmother said, but I do think that maybe taking her out to lunch and talking about your plans is a good idea. Maybe she is really upset; maybe she just doesn't feel sufficiently involved in the decisions. Even if she's not paying for anything, I'm sure she wants to be part of the process. And the stuff she is upset about - location, your dad's involvement, not your folks' church - could be related to a perceived lack of involvement.
I do agree with jess that the thing about your brother is probably emotional. My FI and are getting married in July, and will send his son off to his freshman year of college in August. Compared to planning the wedding, there is practically nothing to do to get him ready to go. (Buy towels and sheets and a shower caddy, teach him how to do laundry, get him a checking account, help him pack and drive him up there. Oh, and write a big-ass check.)
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Thanks for the insight everybody.....i will wait and see if she brings it up to me....then LISTEN to her. perhaps she just needs to air how she feels. i dont necessarily have to change my mind about our decisions.
i appreciate honest feedback!
Your mom is (and I mean this in the nicest of ways) being an over dramatic control freak....I'm actually giggeling because really - that's how I am most of the time as well.
So going off of how I function when this happens, usually no on knows what a'brewing inside. Then "BAM" the fury is unleashed on some unsuspecting passer by (in short - the Hive, or Mr S) and then 45 minutes later things pass by and I can clearly see the solutions through the thick cloud and realized flipping out wasn't needed.
I bet none of you knew that I actaully had an insider look into my spaz-matic ways ;-)
It's very possible that everything just landed on her at once, and when she called Gma to talk about one little thing it then turned into an unloading of everything. Who hasn't had a moment when one complaint turned into 5-6 with out even really knowing it?
I'm also guessing, she's talked to you dad about this and he's covered all the #2 & #4's and she's not happy with his logical answers so she's looking to unload on someone who will listen and understand.
Sounds like she has some stress, and she's over looking that this is your wedding. I woulnd't wait for her to come to you. If this is how she normally functions with issues then she could hold all this in until the last minute and make the week of or the day of an unneeded stressful issue that didn't need to happen. SHe told Gma knowing it would get back to you.
Also I don't think that you should have to stress out waiting to know what she's thinking and worry that she's got "off" feelings directed towards what's supposed to be the happiest day of your life.
I'm sure in the end it will all work out just fine, but that initial talk may be rough so be prepared for it.
I know how you feel about the issues with your mom not seeming to want to be involved. My mom showed her first interest in the entire event a last week. (we've been engaged for 4 months) She mentioned that she saw Disney had weddign dresses now. The only other times we discussed it I brought it up and she got mad because I wnated to have it on my dad's family property and not hers (my parents divorced when I was 18 and I grew up on the family farm of 4 generations). This completely confused me. I still don't understand why I would want to have it at my great aunt's instead of on lonad my dad and grandmother owns. I am the first to get married and live 4 hours away. she may have thought that would be a temporary thing up till now and now sees it as permanent because I am marrying someone who grew up in the area where I live.
I think you need to bring it up with your mom and find out what is really going on and maybe have your dad involved too, especially since one fo the issues is about him. They may not be cominicating either.
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Remember, this is YOUR wedding, not hers. You are paying for the wedding, not her. If you plan on what's convenient (physically and emotionally) around ALL your loved ones, the wedding will never happen. Your mom does sound unreasonable and you seem to have a reasonable explanation for all her objections. I think you need to meet with your mom and have a face to face talk. Bring up all her objections and make her see the reasons behind your decisions. And reiterate that you are trying to choose what's fair for everyone - his family and yours.
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Hive, I have issues. I will try not to make this very long but I really need some perspective here
I woke up this morning, gleeful to book our chapel. I get it booked and then all of a sudden everything begins to go Straight to Hell in a Handbasket
Minutes later, my FI calls to let me know that the money that we thought we had to pay for the chapel wont be available until March. Ok, bummer. So, I decide to call my maternal grandmother bc she is contributing anyway, so I figure I will get it from her
I call grandma and she says that I’m just the person she wants to talk to. She then begins to tell me how my mother just unloaded on her. Grandma wants me to be aware that I am being unreasonable and I need to talk to my mother
This is all news to me. I then learn that my mother is very upset with me (!) and she does not approve with the following
1. She is upset that we are planning to have our wedding November 2008. She’d prefer us to wait until Nov 2009. That way she will be “ready”. She is concerned about the fact that my little brother is going to college in the fall and its just too much on their plates to marry me off at the same time.
This is news to me. FI and I are financing the wedding ourselves with a little contribution from my grandmother. Anything that is received from our parents is extra gravy but we are not depending on that money. Both sets of parents are not in a good financial spot right now. She is upset bc this is the month of my father’s “conference” time. The conference falls midmonth. I plan to marry 11/01/08. After that my wedding wont be in the way of their precious “conference”. Nevermind the fact that neither FI nor I wanted a long engagement to begin with.
2. She is upset that my father wont be officiating the ceremony
Huh? Me and my dad talked about this. He just wants to be father of the bride. He doesn’t want to “work” that day. I in turn just want him to be my dad. I don’t want him to be the minister that day. We both agree on this. The only person upset over this is my mother
3. She is upset that we are having the wedding in the city where we met, vs my ‘hometown’
We chose to have the wedding there not only bc of sentimental reasons but bc it’s a half way point for his family. His family does not travel at all so the hour and a half commute is far to them. Strange, but that’s the way it is. My home town is over 3 hours away from them. We are already losing guests on his side bc of the distance. We may lose them ALL if the ceremony is 4 hours away! Since my family will have to travel regardless (none of them live in SC) this is not an issue for us as much as it is for them
4. She is upset bc I am not having it in my father’s church
See #3 above. Not only that but its not like this is the church I “grew up” in. My dad has only been there a year and a half. The church is also too small and so is the fellowship hall. 60 ppl can barely fit in there never mind the 150 person guest list
5. She is upset bc I want to pay to have the wedding somewhere else rather than have it at home where they wont have to pay
Please note #3 and the explanation in #4. Then what about food? Was the food fairy going to provide the food for all these guests that she demands be invited
So now I am hurt. And upset. And mad basically bc I’m hearing this 2nd hand. And I feel as if my mother is being selfish. This is not all about her, nor is it just about my family. I have a husband and a whole new family to consider. I can’t make decisions based solely upon what is convenient to her
As for the timing, my FI is a postdoc. Beginning next year he will have to start applying for professorships. This is a very stressful time and he wants me to be his wife and be there supporting him by the time this begins. I agree. I want to be there with him. Since I do not want to shack, this means we need to be married before hand. Plus all money that we have next year will be going toward the travel required to get to these interviews. This is a 6 month to a year long process we are talking about. How on earth could we get married with that kind of hectic schedule ahead of us
So what do you think? Is my mother right? Do I reconsider my wedding date bc its not a convenient time for her? Clearly there is not clear communication on the budget issue. We are paying for this wedding, but she has it in her mind that she is supposed to be doing it. How can she? They have no money!
I am very upset and hurt. My mother thinks I am being difficult but we have a reason for choosing the things we have. The chapel is special to us. It’s near the exact spot my FI originally asked me to be his girlfriend nearly 5 years ago. Taking pictures there would mean sooo much to me. Do I give that up? Do I make it even more inconvenient for his family? What should I do?