(Closed) matron of honor with hurt feelings and a disorganized, uncaring bride

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

@musicalhaylo:  Clearly your friend is more concerned about pleasing her mother in law than pleasing you… And I’m really sorry about that 🙁 At the same time though, I can relate to her… I have a very hard time standing up to my elders/people of authority.

It is her wedding though… And maybe you should just be happy to be hosting the party. I know it isn’t fair to you, but at the same time you don’t want to add extra stress to yourself when clearly the bride doesn’t really care. I would let it go… And try to focus on what is going on in your life. You don’t want to forever ruin her relationship with her mother in law, just so that you can host a shower…be the bigger person, forgive her, and try to enjoy hosting the party. 

Post # 5
7776 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@musicalhaylo:  Sorry, but I kind of agree with the bride. The bridal shower is not about the Maid/Matron of Honor, it is about the bride. So if there is a date which works for everyone else, and you can’t be there, then so be it. You’ll still be the Maid/Matron of Honor, you’ll still be the one standing closest to her and supporting her on her wedding day – that is what really matters.

Post # 6
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

@musicalhaylo:  aw, sorry I didn’t realize that was what was upsetting you the most. Did you try telling her that she hurt your feelings? She probably doesn’t realize it… obviously she has a lot going on. Maybe if you talk to her she will apologize… She picked you as him her maid of honor, clearly she loves you! And if she doesn’t apologize after you spell it out for her… Well maybe turning in your dress is a good idea. You don’t need to deal with someone who doesnt care about your feelings, you have a lot going on already

Post # 7
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m sorry for your hurt feelings but I think you need to take the bride at her word: it sounds like she told you herself that the shower is a minor detail that doesn’t mean much to her. Speaking from experience, some brides just don’t care about their showers, especially when their overbearing mother in laws have completely taken them over and there’s no way to get them back.


It’s your job as her Maid/Matron of Honor to make this time easier for her, not more difficult. If you’re looking for a reaffirmation of your friendship then I suggest you take the bride out to coffee and tell her that you’re so sorry you won’t be able to make her shower and express how much your friendship means to you. Tell her you feel like you’re missing out on an important part of your Maid/Matron of Honor duties and an important event in your friendship. Then see what she says. Bottom line is that if she can’t move the shower she can’t move the shower, and her future mother in law will be family for the rest. Of. Her. Life. Sometimes a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, and I bet she would appreciate your support.


Post # 9
1860 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@musicalhaylo:  I feel like since the Mother-In-Law is offering to host the shower, it makes sense that she will choose a weekend that works for her to host as long as the bride doesn’t have a conflict. I know I wouldn’t feel ok ‘telling’ the people that were kind enough to offer to host a shower exactly when they should throw it. They all gave me some options and then I chose which one worked best for me. Honestly I didn’t really consider what might be going on for my bridesmaids, because I don’t want them to have to feel obligated to come to all of them. However – that being said – I will have FOUR showers before all is said and done, so chances are good that they will all make it to at least one (with the exception of one of my sisters that lives really far away).

I don’t think she’s being “disorganized and uncaring” – I honestly think she is probably just geting overwhelmed with ‘stuff’ and doesn’t want this to be an issue, so she’s trying to downplay the importance of the shower so that you don’t feel guilty that you can’t be there. 

@BrideAliBean:  +1

Post # 10
3285 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@E_Lynne615:  +1


If I were the bride, I would totally have said somthing like, “It’s no big deal if you can’t make it!” so that you wouldn’t feel guilty. Is it possible she knows that you’re stressed about the move and wants to take off something that might be an additional stressor?


Ugh, these things are so hard! Hugs!

Post # 11
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It sounds like her Future Mother-In-Law is a handful. Don’t be upset with your friend, sounds like she is just trying to keep the peace.

Post # 12
46225 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@musicalhaylo:  Instead of interpreting the bride’s words and actions as not caring if you are at the shower, are you able to see that she might be trying to give you a break? An out, if you are unable to attend because of your move, and the financial commitment to travel back and forth?

When two people aren’t direct with each other, each of you is left assuming what is meant by the other.

Post # 13
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

She’s going to have to deal with her Mother-In-Law her whole life, and I can understand her telling the Mother-In-Law to throw whatever kind of shower she wants whenever she wants it.  I did this wtih my mother, and wound up with an insanely over the top shower at a venue I hated.  I didn’t invite any of my friends, and my mother had a wonderful time with all of her friends since they like to watch their friend’s daughter open pots.  My mother had  a wonderful time, so it was all good.  

My advice to you is to only participate in the wedding to the extent that makes you happy.  If you don’t want to plan a shower/party/whatever, then just see if the bride is okay with your not being involved in those things.  Let the Mother-In-Law do whatever she wants, and you don’t have to go.  Just show up on the day of the wedding to support your friend, and you will be fine.  The bride just might not care about showers – I sure as hell didn’t care about showers, and still wound up with two of them (my mother’s, plus one that a friend threw which was nice since it didn’t involve opening pots.) 

Post # 14
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I agree that she prob thinks she’s doing you a favor by giving you an out. You’ll be there for the most important day.

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