(Closed) Matron of Honor woe’s! What’s your take?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Should she stay?
    yes : (5 votes)
    38 %
    no : (8 votes)
    62 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    333 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    This is my take on it. I understand that you still love her for the person that she used to be…the fun friend you had! But my dear…..you cant leave in the past. People do change. Sometimes not for the better. She sounds like she is undependable. Im not saying you cant be friends with her or anything because gosh know she needs someone that is stable in her life by the recap of hers you tell. My thing is that if she offers to do stuff and take the responisiblity of it on she should be on her game. I think its not fair that she think that you just need a plain old shower cake. I also think that if she is not going to step up to the responsiblity especially when others are that she should have the decency to step aside and let someone else do it.

    Here is something else I dont get if she is not wanting to spend more then $50 on your shower why is she not taking the other BM help. Like the invitation and cake.

    To me there is to may red flags. Plus you have to look at the long run…is she actually going to show up at the wedding. If she cant get back to you or your other BM on details for a shower detials do you really think she will be on time for hair appointments and the day of the wedding!

    I vote that she get the boot. I told all my brides that there was a set “contract” so to speak of what I wanted….nothing over the top…like the cost of the dress and the shoes and that I would have someone do their make up and hair all for $100. I set deadlines for money to be handed in and time lines for the day of. If they had a problem with it and couldnt do any of that they were just a guest. There is nothing wrong with setting standers of what you expect from them.

    After all the reason you have your closest reliable friends and family members as your wedding party is so that you have you own cheerleading team. They are there to support you and help you so you dont get stressed and discouraged.

    Im not saying be a drill sargent and demand  a lot over the top thing of them.

    Its common knowledge what a BM and MOH is suppose to do.

    Again I look at it this way…If you can do the deed….you will be an attendee!

    I also think that you should use the other friend as the MOH…even if she doesnt think she needs a title but that is why we give them out at the wedding…the highest title goes to the one that we know we can depend on the most!

    Sorry for the rambling…my mind is just on overload!

    Hope this helps!

    Post # 4
    Member
    4803 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Sorry, but I feel like you’re the one in the wrong here – I think brides here take for granted MOH’s throwing showers just because many do, but it is not actually a requirement. Obviously as the bride we are spending a ton of $$ and time on the wedding, but being a bridesmaid can be expensive too, and it’s not fair to expect her to plan and pay for all that stuff – especially since it seems like she never even offered to, you just assumed and gave her lists of people and others. Yes, once she committed to the invites she should of followed through but I certainly don’t think that’s worth ending a friendship over! And for the record, there is nothing wrong with Hallmark invites, and they certainly don’t have to match the wedding color scheme.

    And bridesmaids aren’t required to get their hair done for the wedding either…I know that as brides we kinda picture that in our head and what a nice picture it will make for the photographer, but that is absolutely not something you can require her to do.

    Post # 5
    Member
    668 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    Breath! And be thankful for such amazing friends and family you do have stepping up to help you (I kinda went through the same thing with my matron of honor) she may very well be the friend you loose after the wedding…it sounds like she is going down a different path in her life, and sadly it is effecting you and your wedding. Hopefully she will pull through for you in the end, and I hope she get’s it together for your case!! Maybe you should take some of the load off of her for the rest of the wedding and ask your other girls to help you out, and tell her flat out you appreciate her wanting to do it all but its better for every ones mental health! I wish you the best of luck!!

    Post # 6
    Member
    258 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    So this is just my humble opinion, but….

    It seems as if all that’s left is the actual wedding.  If it were me, at this point, I would keep her  in the bridal party.  If she wants to go some place else for her hair, I would also let her.  I might first offer to pay the difference between the $65(which doesn’t sound that high to me) and whatever she can get elsewhere…. but I would no longer bend over backwards for her.

    As other people pointed out, you USED to be good friends.  But she hasn’t been trying very hard or acting like a good friend lately if you ask me.  If she misses out on photos because she wants to be a negative nancy and a stick in the mud instead if trying to discuss it and work it out with you, I say let her. Though if she does her hair early,then comes to hang out with everyone at the salon and support you, that would be ok in my opinion too.

    She sounds like she may be having money problems, so not requiring her to get her hair done with everyone should be allowed.  I would try to work with her but I certainly wouldn’t fight over that one.  Not worth your energy and emotion.

    From the sounds of it, you may drift further your seperate ways after the wedding anyhow.  No need to make a drastic severance now that leave you the bad guy and you may regret and feel bad later on your big day.  I say be the bigger and better friend you are and suck it up for now.  Have an amazing time at your wedding and let her participate to the extent she will, but otherwise, don’t let worrying about her consume your day.  Remember, it’s your day not hers.  I say just let her fade into the background and enjoy that fact that this is about you, you gorgeous special lady. 

     

    Post # 8
    Member
    786 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    @MrsGuy: Just to let you know maid of honor vs matron of honor, the only difference is that a maid has never been married and a matron is a married or divorced woman. As for everything else, I’m not really sure what to tell you, but good luck with everything.

    Post # 9
    Member
    212 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2017

    My only fear with giving the ax is that it’ll create even more drama.  It sounds like the drama ensued, has been mitigated by loving friends and family, and what is left are the hurt feelings.  If you truly fear she will be a no show for the wedding b/c she wasn’t able to follow through w/ the shower commitments she made, then i would consider it.  If you really don’t think that will happen, it might not be worth it at this point.  It will probably only stress you out even more.  It sounds like there isn’t much left for her to do other than hold the bouquet, walk down the aisle, etc.  Others are stepping up to fill in the gaps, and that’s wonderful…and probably even common.

    I’m also confused about the maid/matron of honor thing.  You have two?  Are they co-maid(trons) of honor and both on equal footing as the lead of bridesmaids?  Not having a clear leader or vying personalities in a co-leader position could exacerbate the problem.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1701 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    You picked her. It’s too bad how things have turned out.  But I’m a “stick with your decisions and make it work” kind of person. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    4803 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @MrsGuy: I didn’t skip any lines. You said that your fiance says you lose one friendship from a wedding and is this that friendship? And let’s be honest, kicking her out of the bridal party would most likely be a friendship-ending move, I don’t think I was jumping to conclusions with that one. But yes, it’s ridiculous that she is turning down help, saying she’ll do it herself, and then not doing it – your OP was pretty long and I think that got kinda lost in the details. I would probably just tell her, “X is going to be taking care of invites/decorations/whatever.” End of discussion, if she tries to protest be firm. But I still wouldn’t kick her out.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2550 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    Sounds like you guys aren’t on the same page.  It may be time to cut your losses. 

    The topic ‘Matron of Honor woe’s! What’s your take?’ is closed to new replies.

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