Post # 1
I am distraught about this. My Matron of Honor who also happens to be my sister has found out that her husband is leaving her. Something has been amiss with them for a while and she finally confronted him in a last resort kind of manor in a letter. He then proceeded to tell her that after 18 yrs of marriage & 3 kids, he doesn’t love her and never has. She is devestated.
I don’t know how to handle this. I feel tremendous guilt that she has to help plan my wedding in the middle of getting a divorce. I don’t want to rub my “love & marriage” in her face and I know she doesn’t want to rub her divorce in mine. And now she has to plan a bacholorette party amongst other things? Goodness……I feel like it might be overwhelming for her. I just don’t know how to act and proceed. Before this I came to her about every little detail, now I feel like my wedding is so trivial. Any suggestions?
Post # 3
OMG I’m sorry, that totally sucks. What a douche!!!!! Who says that to their wife of 18 years and the mother of their children?? He needs a swift kick to the you know what, stat.
Can you let her keep the title and ask one of your other BMs to plan the bachelorette party instead? I’m sure if you explain the situation, everyone will be more than understanding.
It really sucks b/c you technically lost your MOH.. I know she’s still happy for you, but I can totally see being uncomfortable and her probably being very depressed right now and thinking about her own failed marriage and not your upcoming one. Sucks so bad, I can’t blame her, either.
Sorry you both are going through this right now! 🙁
Post # 4
Ask her how she feels about planning your stuff. Then if she doesn’t feel so good about it, just keep her as the MOH, but delegate the planning to your other bridesmaids. It’s really awesome of you to think of her like this instead of being a bridezilla.
Post # 5
@MrsJenBee: I agree.
I’m so sorry about what happened to your sister. I don’t understand men like that. 🙁
Post # 6
Im looking at his departure right now as one less plate at the wedding. Only way I can focus.
I would ask another bridesmaid but alas, they are all my nieces, 19 and under. My other MOH is my other sister who has alot of problems (mentally) and I can’t count on her to do anything. I asked her also to be a MOH to keep the peace if you know what I mean. I have a ton of friends on the party list (my party girls) and I know one would be able to take the reins, but both need to feel comfortable with it.
Im so out of sorts with this. My sister is a beautiful loving person. I look at this as her time to finally be happy and find the love she more than deserves.
Post # 7
I would ask another bridesmaid to step up and do things like party planning and such. Your sister should remain MOH though.
Post # 9
@vmec: (I said this above also) The rest of my party is my niece’s 19 and under. My other MOH is my other sister who has alot of problems (mentally) and I can’t count on her to do anything. I asked her also to be a MOH to keep the peace if you know what I mean. I have a ton of friends on the party list (my party girls) and I know one would be able to take the reins, but both need to feel comfortable with it.
Post # 10
i’m sorry this has happened to your sister but she’s better off being alone than with someone who doesn’t love her.
if she is not feeling up to it, there is no reason why you need to include her in all of the planning details. of course keep her as moh but she can let you know if she wants to contribute more than on the day of the wedding.
i would have some of your party friends plan the bachelorette party. perhaps you can mention this to your sister first to see how she feels about it so she is not offended.
you may be surprised, your sister may want to keep herself occupied with the planning.
Post # 11
Thanks bees. Im going to see what she says/feels like doing. i know that with her heartache, she wouldn’t “steal my thunder” but I can’t help feeling sick about it all. Maybe we can throw her a divorce party….
And what if he DOES come to the wedding? He HAS known me since I was about 15. And wouldn’t he want to see his daughters in their first wedding? How do I handle THAT??
Post # 12
@Odess: Hrm, I don’t think he’ll show. Even if his daughters are in the wedding.
I hope this works out for you!
Post # 13
I hope he doesn’t show up!! Though if you’ve known him so long, possibly just talk to him about it. You don’t have to be nasty or anything, ask if he plans on coming to see his daughters and, if he says yes, just say “Because [MOH] is really struggling with all this at the moment, I’d prefer it if you didn’t come while she was around in case there was a scene.” Then arrange for a time he can see his daughters before or after the ceremony and get some photos of them before the MOH turns up (she could be helping you get dressed, or posing with you for the photographer, etc.).
As for you MOH’s duties – ask her what she feels comfortable doing (she may not even feel up to being a bridesmaid, let alone a MOH! So just let her know she can decide to do whatever is best for her without any judgement or repercussions.
Depending on where you live, your 19 year old bridesmaids may not be able to drink/have a wild party anway, so what were you thinking of doing? A girls’ night in, bowling, laser tag? There’s no rule that says you can’t organise it yourself with the help of one or two of your more mature bridesmaids!
Good luck with it all, and I think you’re an amazing sister for being so considerate to your MOH during this.
Post # 14
What an asshat.
I second what the other PP said and ask another bridesmaid if they could plan, but still ask your sister to be the MOH if she’s comfortable. Just let her know that you’ll be there for her and also give her space when she needs it.
I mean, who the fuck does that to their wife and children.
Post # 15
Your neices could probably plan a lot more than you think, especially the 19-year-old and if they work together.
What about your mom or MIL? They could help your neices plan things like the bachelorette party and bridal shower. I bet one of them wouldn’t mind.
Post # 16
I am going through the same thing! My MOH has just announced that she will be getting a divorce because her husband has been cheating! I feel so terrible for the same reasons that you have stated. I don’t want to rub my marriage and love in her face. I also don’t want to take any official MOH duty away from her, since she was so over the moon excited to be my MOH. I feel like taking doing that in my situation would make her feel useless, and unable to contribute to the celebration. I have been playing it by ear. I am hoping that if it begins to be too much for her, she will speak up and give the green light for another maid to step up and take care of buisness. I think as far as planning your bachelorette party, she should still do it. I mean that is really a great time to bond and have fun with just the girls. I am offering my MOH lots of support still, and we talk about everything she is going through, But when we are wedding planning, we are in wedding planning mode. In a way I think it’s taking her mind off of some of the thoughts that might be going through her head if she had more time on her hands.