Post # 1
Hi everyone, I am in a bit of a dilemma here!
My sister is my Matron of Honour and she has decided she needs to lose weight so she can look good in a Bridesmaids dress. She is a larger girl, I will admit that. But now I’m left rolling through mind to see if I ever said or insinuated anything that would make her feel that way. I can’t think of a single thing though. I have actually always made sure I don’t say anything, since her (insert many expletives) husband left her last year because she was a fatty (his words).
She told me that she wants to diet because she doesn’t want me to have wedding photos where no one else fits in the frame with her and people think I had an elephant in my bridal party. Among many of my sister’s qualities is a wicked sense of humour. Although, I know she is making a joke to hide her pain.
She recently told me it’s okay for me because I would look good in a Hessian sack. That really hurt when she said that, I don’t think I am better than her in anyway.
My dilemma is, do I support her in her weight loss journey, since I know it is something she has wanted to do for a long time? Maybe I have given a reason or a goal? But then do I look like I care more about these wedding photos than her?
Or do I say nothing, offer no support and maybe she will think I don’t care?
It’s a tough one, I care more about her than some stupid photos. Besides, when I look back I would see her and me on my wedding day and that’s all I care about. She is a beautiful person, inside and out. But I want her to be happy.
This topic was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by sandy85.
Post # 2
What would you do if you weren’t getting married and she weren’t in your wedding?
Post # 3
sandy85: Listen, your sister came up with this idea all on her own. Generally speaking, most people use a wedding as a goal to lose weight. I lost weight my sister’s, I’m losing weight for my own, etc. Definitely support her. It doesn’t make you look like you care more for your photos if you are truly genuine in your support. It will help keep her motivated.
Post # 4
peachacid: support her, but then she wouldn’t be saying it was for me.
Post # 5
Tell her the truth – you love her just the way she is and you will support her in any decision she makes.
Post # 6
Next time it comes up, perhaps you could mention that you absolutely support her, but want to make sure that she is doing this for her, not because she thinks that is what you want/expect. Tell her what you wrote here in that she’s a beautiful person inside and out, and having her there, no matter her size, is what is important to you.
Post # 7
Tell her you love her and she’s beautiful and doesn’t need to change one bit for anybody, but if she’s decided she wants to lose weight you’ll support her (just as you’d support her NOT losing weight).
I’m sure this is not coming from anything you said but rather from her jerk ex-husband’s words, etc.
Post # 8
sandy85: Why don’t you tell her you love her more than you could ever express, at whatever weight she is. Tell her sincerely that you think she’s a beautiful person inside and out and she doesn’t need to lose weight for you because you’ll be proud of her and love her no matter what.
Then tell her that just as you would support her if she were not losing weight, if she decides to lose weight for herself, of course you’ll support her in any way possible. If she responds positively to that, you can ask her to let you know if there’s anything she can think of that you can do to support her.
Then stick by it! You sound like a wonderful sister. 🙂
Post # 9
Of course support her! I’m sure it has nothing to do with you- it’s her personal goal and choice and events are a great motivational tool. Tell her you love, her she’s beautiful regardless and maybe even join in and encourage “I want to be working out more too, let’s take a fun class or hike together!”
Also… I feel so bad re: her shithead ex-husband, what an ass. She’s definitely better off with out him. But no one likes to be pitied, so I think your response should be optimistic in the vein of “if that’s what you want you can do it! Go sis go!”
Post # 10
sandy85: I don’t have a weight problem, but the first time I was a bridesmaid it spurred me to do one or two other things to improve my appearance (in the facial hair department). I’m guessing that’s what’s happening with your sister – the wedding has helped her decide to do it.
Since it’s a good thing anyway, I agree with most PPs: support her, but also reassure her she doesn’t need to do it for you. (And here’s to her getting a much better man that her horrible ex).
Post # 11
I think you’ve already pretty much said the perfect thing. The way you talked about this in your question is hitting the nail on your head. Just have an honest conversation with her and say exactly what you said here:
I know you’ve said that you need to lose weight so you can look good in a bridesmaid dress. I just want to make sure that I haven’t said anything which has insinuated that you need to do that.
You “recently told me it’s okay for me because I would look good in a Hessian sack. That really hurt when [you] said that, I don’t think I am better than [you] in anyway.”
I have a dilemma because I want to support you, but I also want to make sure you know that I don’t care about some stupid photos more than I care about you. “when I look back I would see [you] and me on my wedding day and that’s all I care about.”
“[you are] a beautiful person, inside and out… I want [you] to be happy.”
Post # 12
Thanks so much everyone! As for the ex hubby, I haven’t even gone in the bad stuff, put it that way!
Thanks for saying I’m a good sister, I strive to be. We had a violent alcoholic father growing up, and whatever my sister could take for me, she did. She is my big sister and my best friend.
Post # 13
sandy85: My mom, aunt, and sister all dieted for my wedding. It broke my heart– I wanted them for who they were! My wedding was about people, not pictures. When I look back at the wedding photos, the ones with my family look horrible. They looked so stressed and uncomfortable. The ones I loved were the ones where the spanx came off and they were enjoying themselves!
My approach was to say “I love you as you are. I am having a wedding for people, not photos, and I would hate for you to alter anything about yourself for my day. If it is something you are doing for you, I would be happy to support you, but please don’t do it for me.” It didn’t work, but I felt better about myself!
I also was a matron of honor in a wedding where we all dieted (the dresses came in 1 size smaller than what we tried on and couldn’t be let out or exchanged). As a size 0/2, I never had felt the shame of people too big to fit into a dress and having a clasp break. I now understand the stress my mom/sister/aunt went through and would be much more clear that I do not want them to diet for my day. I want them to be happy!
Post # 14
sandy85: I think she’s probably just looking at it as a good way to set a goal for herself. It sounds as though you care very deeply for her so I highly doubt you’ve said anything to influence her!
I’m getting married in 6 months so that’s definitely been motivation for me to lose weight but i’m also Maid/Matron of Honor for my best friend in about 7 weeks and her wedding was also part of the motivation, it most definitely wasn’t based on anything she said! I’m a pretty normal size I just want to feel really fab and i’m sure it’s the same for your sister!
You guys sound like you have a great relationship so i’m sure she knows you love her in any shape or size! But if it’s something she really wants to do for her, i’m sure she’d appreciate your support 🙂
Post # 15
sandy85: Agree with what everyone else has said pretty much.
Everyone tries to lose weight for weddings. I have the measurements for my Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses held back as long as possible because half of my girls are training and working their butts off to look hot (as am I). Always support! Good for her for doing this for herself!