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I had the same thing happen to me. I found his searches and confronted him on it. I asked him basically am I not enough, etc. This was about 3 months ago.
He travels for work during the week so I decided to start sending him risqué pictures of myself. Imatarted making light of the situation and told hiM to look at me not fake girls he'll never get.
I haven't checked his browsing history lately bc now I'd just rather not see what he's looking at. Don't know if this helps but sometimes it's better not to torture yourself. Guys are dumb :)
I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. You are right, I am just going to say that guys look at porn. Hell, I look at porn. By myself! It's really not a big deal. He still thinks you are sexy and desirable. Actually, I want my FI more after I watch porn, and I would guess that your man is the same way. Please don't let this hang up mess with your relationship. If you make him feel embarrassed or ashamed about what he is doing, he won't feel as if he can trust you with anything. I understand that it is difficult to understand, but keep telling yourself that his desire to watch porn has NOTHING to do with you. Even if it's weird or non traditional porn. Many times, porn is just a way for for men to satisfy some of their desires that would get satisfied otherwise.It is perfectly harmless.
Godd luck with dealing with this!
@jeanie3: I personally don't think that looking at porn is that big of a deal, unless it interferes with your sex life. You aren't going to be turned on every time your partner is, nor is your partner going to be turned on every time you are. So there may be times where you or he will still need a sexual release, when the other isn't willing/wanting/able to help out. So maybe his way of dealing with it is by looking at porn.
I would suggest having another talk with him to find out how often he looks at porn, how long he's been doing it for, why he does it etc etc. If it's something he's always done, every so often, and he just does it when he can't have you and you were happy with your sex life before, do things really need to change? Would it be possible for you to be "When I'm not around/available/in the mood, he looks at porn. We still have a satisfying sex life, so it's not a big deal."
If it's more into the you don't turn me on/we don't have sex enough (on either your part or his part)/it's an addiction and he does it all the time or whatever I would recommend couple's therapy.
I think it is perfectly fine/understandable to feel upset. Each and every couple has their thoughts and feelings on the subject -- DH and I do not feel comfortable with porn so we will send sexy pictures and stories about ourselves if we need to be close while we are apart...I would be upset if he looked at other sexy material.
I would talk to someone about it...that way you can figure out if your really want to let this go, or if you need to set your foot down about your needs and what you desire in your relationship. I think both parties need to be consentual about porn in a relationshipl
I know you said you didn't want to hear "guys just do that" but this is along those lines, but I'll try to make it more informative than just a statement...
In studies when men view a conversation occuring between a man and a woman they think about a sexual event (not by reports, by brain scans). When women see it they think of it just as a conversation. Men are programmed to think about what they see as sexual-that is what I remember when i realize he looks up naked celebrities and stuff.
Looking at porn (espcially if it's stuff different than you guys do together) may just be fufilling some sort of internal fantasy. He may not really ever do that in person- even if given the option!
If he's having sex with you and marrying you...he thinks you are sexy
Thanks for the replies. I guess one of the things that really gets me is that I was around when this happened. I think I would be much more okay with it if he was away and "i wasnt there" or visa versa. However, the times that this has happened I was there and don't understand why he had to go seek sexual satisfaction from elsewhere when he could have gotten it from me. I would much better be handling it if that were the case. However, he was with me and then went to do this. The first time that it happened (know this from him being honest with me) we were together on a vacation. He said that he began looking at it on his phone and admitted that I was in the room when he did so. I think that is also a big issue of mine right now. I would have rather had him be "missing me/far away" so had to take care of it because of that not just because.
A similar thing happened to me. I had just gotten home and my husband had been home alone for a while. I wanted to search something on google and grabbed his phone. On it was picture of a girl spread eagle (disgusting and getting mad just writing this!!) I asked him about it and he admitted casually (like it was no big deal!) that he had been horny earlier and had...ahem....pleasured himself to this picture. I was sooooooooooo pissed! I think he really thought I wouldn't mind it. I am confident in our relationship and not a very jealous person at all so I think he thought I wouldn't mind it. I don't know.....I would not have expected it from him at all. He is the most sweet, considerate person who I thought would never do this. I felt gross. Its like he is objectifying women. I didn't want him to see me naked after that. I don't really have any advice for you, but I do know that if my husband does it, probably a lot of them do. I'm not saying its okay, just that they probably do. I eventually just got over it. Only after he apologized profusely and said he felt sick about it. He promised he would never do that again, but I don't know if I truly believe that. He better be careful to cover his tracks though because I really think its better if I don't know about it!
As long as it doesn't interfere with your sex life, I don't consider porn a problem. Since finding out about seems to be disturbing you, have you thought about just asking him to make sure you don't find it? Ask him to clear his search history and be discreet about watching it. This way, you won't have to keep finding his porn. If you ask him to stop looking a porn, that's very unlikely to happen and this will keep being an issue, but if you accept the fact that he's going to watch it and let him know you don't want to see it you may have better luck.
I dont want to be harsh.. but personally I think you are making wayyy to much of a big deal over this. My fiance watches porn. Daily. I watch it, albiet not as much as he does but at least once a month. My FI watches things that I would never ever ever let him do to me and I watch things that he would never ever ever partake in... we all have our fantasies and thats all they are. I watch the things that secretly turn me on (but I would never do) and he does the same thing.
It has nothing to do with how he feels about you. All he is doing it getting out of his system something he knows he would never actually partake in and there is NOTHING to be ashamed about. Neither of you should feel any shame, hurt of embarrasment. Its normal and natural.
Maybe you could watch it together? FI and I do that sometimes and let me tell you, we have a LOT of fun when we do ;P
I am ambivalent about porn. I really don`t care if he looks at it, and we do occasionally watch together. The only thing about porn that bothers me is the exploitation of these women( yes and some men) who are in the business.
I do believe that just because a man watches porn, it is no reflection on you or your realtionship. Men are visual period. It has nothing to do with you or your availability. It could just be foreplay for him.
I walked IN on my husband (then fiancee) watching porn...and not just watching...
It really really scarred me. It was tough because my friends didn't understand why I didn't "offer a helping hand". But I just don't like thinking about him thinking and fantasizing about other women.
I understand what you're going through :/ But consider yourself lucky that you didn't see the act in progress!
p.s--I also realize I will probably be in the minority with my feelings on this. I get that humans are sexual beings and that we will innately find other beings attractive but I guess I am from the olds school and believe that should be eliminated (not saying for everyone but for me) when you are in a serious committed relationship with someone else. That is why you are in a marriage in the first place--its like a covenant b/w two people only. Not saying that I have never found another man attractive (nor expect him not to find other women attractive) but I also would not go seek out men for sexual satisfaction because I made a promise to my fiancee to be in a committed relationship. Again, Im from the old school (even though Im young) and am not saying other views are wrong but I believe that is why this is so hard for me as well
Oh gosh, yeah I am glad I didn't walk in. That would have been even worse! Thanks for the responses ladies.
I'm sorry :( Unlike some PPs, I would pretty much freak if I found that on my browsing history. It would totally shake my self confidence and I couldn't get it out of my head either. I haven't ever caught DH with it, but we have had a conversation about me not being comfortable with it at all. We haven't done this, but one compromise might be to make him a boudoir album. That way if he wants to get busy with himself, he can be checkin YOU out!
There was a study that I think you should read:
Here is the first paragraph:
Researchers were conducting a study comparing the views of men in their 20s who had never been exposed to pornography with regular users.
But their project stumbled at the first hurdle when they failed to find a single man who had not been seen it.
“We started our research seeking men in their 20s who had never consumed pornography,” said Professor Simon Louis Lajeunesse. “We couldn't find any.”
The whole study:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/relationships/6709646/All-men-watch-porn-scientists-find.html
To be honest, maybe he just wanted "to rub one out" so to speak. Just do it fast and get back to whatever he was doing before hand.
It doesn't mean that he loves you any less, or doesn't find you attractive. It just means he is a guy.
I really hope people aren't getting the wrong impression and that I am a prude because I am certainly not and I have always had a very healthy sex life, but I guess my views are just very different than most people in today's society. I may take your advice on talking to him again about my stances/his on porn itself because I do believe there has to be a balance of each partners opinion on it.
@jeanie3: I would feel exactly the way you do! I really think that it is a personal decision (how people feel about it), but don't think that you are weird for feeling hurt or upset by finding that history. Exclusivity is possible and you are not abnormal for wanting to be THE girl that excites him sexually!
A PP made a good suggestion to you that will help you out immensely. As long as you are satisfied in your own sex life, porn isn't necessarily a problem in your relationship. Definitely ask him to clear his browser history so you aren't a 3rd party to his self-pleasure.
I was in a similar sitation once. My computer blew up so I had to use my DH... and I saw internet searches about a particular celebrity whose name I can't type yet. The PROBLEM I found was not that he was having an extra-curricular release by himself-- it was ME internalizing everything. The following questions came up in my mind:
1) Oh my god! Look how PRETTY she is, how SKINNY she is, how FEMININE she is! (All of these things I do not feel about myself at all)
2) Oh my god! Does he still love me / find me attractive? Why is he looking at HER?
3) Do I not satisfy him? What am I doing wrong?
It had little to do with what his behavior was, because when push comes to shove, I look at porn too, and the above questions suddenly seemed ridiculous when I put myself in his shoes.
But I did confront him about it in the most supportive way possible and asked him to be mindful of not letting it stay in the browser history because now when I go into our computer room, I'm wondering if semen is hanging around the keyboard, and other unreasonable thoughts. Next, I asked him to make sure that it doesn't enter into his life as a SUBSTITUTION for sex, but rather to let it remain a supplement to it.
As long as you don't see it on his phone and things to back to status quo, I think you will heal just fine if you are really critical about why this bothers you. For me, it was totally me being insecure.
I'm a regular poster but would rather stay incogneto for intimate subject matter....
That's a hard place and building that security and trust back can be REALLY hard... It takes time and ALOT of communication & honesty (affirm, affirm, affirm). Maybe your guy is willing to go there with you. I know for me I'm a questions asker.. I need to know why, what, and all the terrible details b/c really my imagination is almost ALWAYS worse that the facts... At first it would hurt to hear but it helped me process & understand (not to be mistaken w/ get over & accept b/c it's never been okay with me)
DH and I actually have the xxxchurch browser on our phones AND computers b/c it's not something that either of us wants in our marriage (DH decided this). We are each others "accountability" partners so to speak and DH also has another friend as his just for that extra cushion. The browser doesn't "block" sites but will ask if you want to proceed if something looks questionable & if it does turn out to be a porn site it will send the question site/link to the accounability partner in the weekly (iphone) & bi-weekly (computer) reports.
Not ALL guys do it, but I do believe that just about ALL guys have... Some truly aren't okay with it... and really even though DH was never "okay" with it, it was it's effect on me & my heart that was enough for him. To him it just wasn't worth me feeling insecure, even if I was keeping it to myself DH would know something was wrong.
Now we aren't opposed to pleasing ourselves... ie. DH did last night to/for me b/c I haven't been up to acutally doing the deed. And I can say that's ALOT different then him going to another outlet of hiding or watching someone else. But to get here it's taken alot of communication & working together.
I would just talk to him about it and be as open & honest AND understanding as you can be... it may take a few days (let him know this) of it coming up to completely talk through it but the more you two can communicate about it, the more you can both be on the same page.
GL
The thing is THIS made me insecure. I can honestly say that I have never been insecure about myself like that (honestly...many would probably think that I just wasn't aware of it) but i can really say that this is what has given me self confidence issues. Never had them before this incidence
Definitely agree with asking him to clear his browser history. My FI and I have an agreement; he can look at whatever he wants as long as I don't know about it. I know he does it, but I don't want to hear about it, see it, etc. It makes me feel insecure but at the same time I know he finds me attractive and it's just a thing he enjoys. So I basically told him before I had to find any of it, "I know you enjoy it, I want you to enjoy yourself, but I don't want to know, so please make sure you cover your tracks." Out of sight, out of mind works for me.
One thing that I forgot to mention is that he may be using porn to bring himself to orgasm so he can last longer with you.
i agree with PPs, that guys look at porn, i myself do too, but i understand where you're coming from! i have seen my FI's browsing history, and it worries me sometimes, with the stuff he looks at, so i totally understand where you're coming from! is your sex life ok still? cos i know mine and my FI's isn't great and i worry that porn may have something to do with it, but if your sex life is good then don't worry too much, but i think expressing your concerns is a good idea :)
@jeanie3: he did it for the first time on vacation with you in the room? when he could have gotten the stuff from you?! you have every right to be upset!
I think this situation would be a great opportunity to have a frank and open conversation about porn and sex in general. Having an emotionally charged and accusing conversation is not going to make you feel any better and is going to make him ashamed or stressed, not the ideal situation for a happy, healthy sex life for sure. As someone who watches porn and who has discussed porn with my husband, he is not choosing a woman over you or any else attracted to you when hes viewing it. Some people do it to explore fantasies, because theyre bored, or because they need release, either cause youre not around or if you are, to last longer later or get in the mood in general.
WeddingBee ate the rest of my post, but I would talk to him about what you saw in a constructive way. If you were shocked at the kind of porn, maybe you can ask if he was exploring fantasies that he wouldnt do in real life, or what value he was it. maybe its the position or the naughtiness of doing it. Whatever it is, find out why. Then tell him your feelings without being mean or getting heated, and go from there. To have an open sex life you need to talk through these things and not clam up with insecurity. This man loves you and chooses to be with you, so unless he has some kind of addiction, he didnt do this to hurt your feelings. Sometimes when its been awhile or were on vacation, I know my husband "takes care of himself" beforehand because he tends to get overexcited and gets annoyed when he finishes early. The only reason I know that is because we talked about it.
OP, I think you're probably taking the whole situation too seriously. If you have such strong feelings about porn then maybe you should have talked to your fiance about it earlier on. I think it might be unfair to be so upset with him about behavior that you know is typical of a guy, but that you haven't previously expressed your feelings about.
I also highly doubt that your fiance's viewing of porn has anything to do with his attraction to you. I say this because I watch porn, and it does not mean I want to be with anyone other than my SO or that I'm not attracted to him. Honestly, it's just about getting my jollies & moving on. There is no way that watching a porno could compare to the emotional depth, passion, love and dedication that my SO & I share. I'm sure your fiance feels the same way.
Maybe you should try watching it with him. My So & I watch porn together from time to time & I feel closer to him since we started doing it. It's one less boundary between us. Instead of pretending as if the other doesn't do it, or hiding it from eachother, its completely there out in the open. He doesn't have to feel embarrassed or ashamed about it with me, and vice versa. Sometimes we run across a video that we find particularly comical, and it's like we end up with our own little inside joke about it (the Kim K. sextape is one of them).
If you just can't shake your feelings about it, you definitely need to talk to him. Just try not to sound judmental. Try to listen to his reasoning too, as opposed to making your views on the subject "The Law" on the matter.
@SincerelyShe: agree, OP maybe try watching it with him, so you don't feel like he isn't thinking about you when watching it, if you did that he certainly would connect it with you whenever he watches it, not just when you watch it together :)
@jeanie3: Does it help to know that most men do it even if their wives/gf's don't think they do? I am fine with porn b/c my bf likes to "get off" 2x a day and 1x is more than enough for me! We watch porn together ssometimes bc it is just a turn on for the both of us and gives us ideas of other things we could try...do you think watching it with him might help, so you realize it isn't as bad as you think it is?
@jeanie3: I'm from that old school way of thought too. I mean, yeah people will say "well he's a guy thats what they do" but for some (a LOT more than you all think) it becomes a problem, a compulsion, where they even are disgusted with themselves for doing it but its like an addiction. I definitely think its a problem when his fiancee is right there in the room with him, he could approach her and initiate, but he would rather lay back and look at porn to get off. THAT'S not right. Thats when you know there is a problem. It's not like you two are celibate and he's turning to that to avoid pressuring you into anything. Pictures and videos of sex should NOT be a substitute for a real live person who loves you.
I would definitely talk to him about all that and tell him exactly how you feel. That you are offended by it and it makes you feel bad that he would rather look at pics than do stuff with you. Don't sound accusitory just be honest. Good luck <3
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I caught my fiancee looking at porn. I always knew this was a guy thing but I never thought my guy per se did. I actually found it on his phone while i was just looking in google...totally wasn't searching for anything. The first couple times it happened I thought it was just suggestions coming up in the search bar and then I realized that they were actual search history. I totally felt paralyzed when I saw this because I thought it was a mistake. Then, it kept happening to the point where I became so hurt and numb that I sat there with the phone in my hand. I later brought it up to him because I was so hurt about it. We have talked about it many times and my guy couldnt have been more apologetic and understanding but I still feel very uneasy and hurt by the situation. I think the amount of searches I found and the content he was searching really got me upset (nothing illegal or anything but just things that I would never EVER EVER expect from my guy) There were even some searches of women in popular mainstream on there that really got me. We have a very healthy sex life but ever since this incident two months ago I still don't feel as comfortable about our sex life. I know you will all tell me "that guys do this" which I get but that has not stopped me from being hurt about it. I feel like he desires other women sexually and that has been hard for me to swallow. Additionally, I am constantly reminded of it because of the searches I saw. For example, I will turn on t.v/radio and be reminded of it because some of the women he searched about. Ugh. What do I do? I feel like I need to get over this but it still upsets me. For instance I was jusst watching E! news and pretty much feel numb because it reminded me of one of his searches. Advice Please??? AM I being crazy. I love him and he is great but I cannot shake this