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I feel  sad posting this and feeling this way, but I have to be honest...and if anyone else can relate, please let me know!

We got married on July 10. It was a beautiful, blessed, wonderful, joyful day. That said, it wasn't ethereal bliss. And I did have "complicated" feelings about getting married, and about my relationsihp with my husband (it even feels weird using the word "husband"!)--went to therapy on my own, he and I did some counseling (not a lot), read "The Conscious Bride," etc...

We went on an amazing month-long honeymoon tour through Europe. Saw and did wonderful things...but we argued. Often. A couple of doozies. Yes, we did laugh and have romantic moments and make wonderful memories too, but I hate that we argued, and that some days during our honeymoon I didn't even want to be around him.

Now we're home. And we just had a hell of a fight last night. An ugly one. We BOTH acted like looney nutcases and obnoxious jerks. I can only speak for myself and be honest about my own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors--I'm "acting out," the way a kid does when they feel they're stuck or made to conform to something. (Ironically, one of his biggest complaints about me is that I "push him." I push him to discuss things when he doesn't want to, more than he wants to, or to show affection. I do; I just don't want to have to.) I also feel fear that we made a mistake, and a little bit of anger at the permanance (finality) of this decision. Before you ask, no, my DH is not a forceful or controlling person. He is by no means perfect, and often doesn't handle conflict as productively or rationally as I would like, and that frustrates me. He is fairly hard-headed with his thoughts and opinions, and can be inflexible about them and come across as arrogant.

I have another appointmen with the same therapist I was seeing before the wedding, and my DH has agreed to go to couple's counseling with me if I set up an appointment for us.

I ask you (someone): Am I nuts or wrong for feeling this way? If we're this conflictual right now, one month in, is it hopeless and are we doomed? Is it miserable for newlyweds to go to counseling? And finally--can anyone relate?

Thanks for letting me vent. Even if nobody replies, it feels good for me to get these thoughts out.

Thank you all for your words of support...

Yes, I did have some of these fears before the wedding, but I would say it was a mixed bag of emotions. I was/am ready and not ready at the same time, I guess...I love him, we want the same things in life, and I want him to be my partner for those things, but I guess I'm just freaking out a little. And maybe he is too. We let little bicker-topics become bigger than they should--I can't make him or wish for him to communicate differently, but I can make my own adjustments in communicating, and hope that it has a positive effect.

And I know I mentioned counseling, but I would like to give ourselves an adjustment period longer than a month, and see if we can come to a better place on our own first...along the way, we are reading a couple of marriage books together that I'm hoping will help us. Not that I'm saying "I'll wait for it to get worse before we seek professional help!!", but that I'm optimistic that if we let ourselves relax and ease into being married, maybe the stress will lift and give way to newly-wed happiness and comfort...

To answer june's question, we were together about 2 years before we got married. Not a long long time, but long enough to know the important things about each other, and to know that each of us can count on the other...

@klcantwait, thank you for sharing that! Yes, we did live together first, for about 9 months.

We don't really bicker about living-situation things...for us, I think it is really a matter of each of us wholeheartedly accepting the other person for who they are, good and bad. A lot of times I wish he would be more openminded and sensitive to other people, think more before he speaks, and HE wishes I wouldn't care so much about what he says, and wouldn't be as sensitive as I can be. He thinks I "get on his case" when he spouts off his opinions; I think he doesn't see things from other people's points of view enough.

When we are kind of on auto-pilot, just drifting through our life together with a daily routine, things tend to be pretty easy and fun...it's when some external stressor or topic gets in our way or into our minds and we just don't communicate as well as possible, and then...we spiral...downward...

But we both care and love each other enough to try for each other, to admit our own faults, and to make compromises.

I do think we've somehow fallen into a communication pattern that we need to change over time, especially before we have kids, because THAT will add more stress and we better be able to handle it when it happens!

I would add that a trip to Europe has a lot more stresses than your average lay-on-the-beach honeymoon. There are just so many more factors to consider: sightseeing, different languages, currencies, figuring out where you are going and what you are doing. I think it's normal for two people traveling together in that kind of environment to have some small tiffs.

I hope you find the counseling helpful!

You guys are awesome...those thoughts did occur to me while we were on European trains, ferries, and buses, but I figured this was the easiest and most indulgent we'd ever be, so we shouldn't be having any problems! But yes, I think it might've added a bit of stress...he'd want to spend half a lovely day inside the hotel room booking next week's hotels, I'd want to get him off his butt and onto the beach--both valid! I'd want to make conversation about every historical plaque, he'd be more interested in photographing *everything*, I'd want to re-read the ticket prices, he'd get impatient, yadda yadda yadda...and no break from each other to do anything useful or productive--except for my morning coffee (he sleeps in and doesn't drink coffee), and reading on the trains...

Our tiffs and fights do blow over...this most recent one has. We both just want them to NOT get as heated as they do before they eventually blow over. But yes, you're right, we are here to work through it together! Thanks for your replies!!

I really like those relationship self help books. (5 love languages is great) That sounds cheesy, but I have learned so much from them. I'm not big into counseling (all we did was keep talking about the same issues and getting hurt again), but relationship classes and books are fun.

Yes, those are all positive steps, thanks caszos for listing them like that :) It helps me to see it that way...

I think for now the best thing is to be patient, let us settle in to a new routine, and give ourselves a few relaxed, fairly conflict-free weeks without too much heavy conversation about "relationship issues." I have a feeling if we give ourselves some time of newly-wed "normalcy" and easygoing quality time together, then reading a book, or going to counseling, or both, will be more helpful tools.

I gotta say, bees....

One of THE most helpful things is reading/hearing that other couples have gone through similar things and gotten better over time--"used to" fight in the ways I'm describing, but now it doesn't happen as much (or at all). JenniMichelle, thank you so much for that list! Some of those things sound familiar. He tends to be the yeller (though I lose it and yell right back after it gets heated), and he's the one who needs to step away and take a break; I'm the one who wants to hash things out right NOW, right HERE.

I have heard of the "7 principles" book, and plan to read it. I'm aware that it's HOW we fight/argue that is important; and I think my DH would agree, but he doesn't say it in exactly those words--he says "Let's keep the small things small and not let them get big or out of control. If I've started yelling, or if you're on the verge of tears, then it has gone too far." He wishes I could drop things and let them go; I wish he would be more careful with his words.

Now, about my age and not feeling ready...no, I'm not a super-young bride who hasn't dated other people. ;) I'm 30 and DH is 38, we met and started dating when I was 28 and he was 36. I was not remotely ready for marriage a minute before I met him. I had dated enough to see what else is out there and to decide I was DONE looking, and my DH was the first and only person I could ever see myself marrying. So in the big picture, I know he is the one for me and I'm the one for him...just when we fight, we definitely lose sight of the big picture!

Well, I was going to put off calling a counselor for "a few weeks," but it is clear and apparent that the sooner we do that, the better.

We're just frustrating the crap out of each other more than anything else lately, and this pattern must change. If it were up to my DH, we'd just settle for having these stupid fights more often than either of us would like, and then act like nothing's wrong, like the arguments and misunderstandings had not happened, and that there are not significant differences in communication styles and underlying issues that must be resolved--he calls this "moving on." I call it "denial."

Thank God he's open to counseling; I just hope it goes well. I don't care how much it costs or how long we have to stick with it. What we are doing on our own isn't working, so we clearly need some help. We're both stubbornly bringing out the worst and most mutually frustrating traits in each other lately. (Think "Dance of Anger").

@serabell, this is true and I know this about him and I've tried to give him that "timeout." The problem is when he gets his 30 min, or hour, or whatever, and he comes back and still won't discuss whatever we were arguing about. He believes that in his time out, that he is "dealing with it," ("it" being whatever the aggravating topic that we were discussing). The problem is that WE must deal with some things together, not apart.

Then he comes back all neutral, like we weren't just arguing about something and he didn't just act like a jerk, as if there ISN'T something to discuss more calmly and rationally. He honest-to-God just goes on like nothing is wrong, and it drives me CRAZY!!!

The only thing he has communicated to me lately is that he DOES NOT want to communicate. Especially if I feel that we need to.

He just walked in from work. I mentioned that I called and left a voicemail for a counselor. All he said was, "Is this the same person you were seeing on your own?" (No, it is not), and "How much is this going to cost?" I told him I'd find out if the guy takes our insurance, but that I made the decision not based on cost, but based on this guy's background and overall "vibe." He said "OK" and changed the subject to something mundane.

Then he went back to work for a few hours. From where I'm sittin' today--GOOD, GO RIGHT AHEAD.

There just has to be somewhere in between his (communication) style and mine where we can live happily!

Sorry if I rambled.

@menobride and serabell, I didn't see your other posts before I posted above.

YES, I try very hard to understand him.

What I need is for HIM to admit that HE needs to try and understand ME too. Sometimes he outright refuses to admit that.

All I want is COMPROMISE, meet in the middle.

Sorry, i'm getting myself all worked up, but I do really appreciate your replies!!

Sounds like counseling will have a lot to offer you, in terms of finding a communication style that works better.  I just want to throw out that I, too, fight WAY more with my husband when we are travelling together (we have pretty different travel styles).  I've had to make my peace with the fact that we're not going to backpack through Asia together, because we would drive each other crazy.  But, you know, I'll just do that on my own, or with a friend. 

@serabell: The counselor I called is out of town until next Tuesday, and he was the one I liked the best out of all the profiles I saw. So, hopefully soon.

Yeah, he knows that I need to talk things out after we "take a break." Sometimes those "when we're calm" discussions go well and I feel like we've gotten somewhere and I feel more understood, but he tends to view any serious relationship conversation negatively (even if I get the sense we're solving something). I admit, that's partly my fault--because when we have a discussion that ends up well, *I* have a hard time just letting it STOP right there on that peaceful note...I tend to bring up what it seems like we just resolved. Yup, I admit my tendency to do that makes it worse and I need to work on that.

He needs to work on "fighting fair" (which is a phrase he objects to). We need to have an understood list of lines we won't cross, "don't go there" areas in our arguing. I admit I need to work on it too, but I think he throws his words around a lot more carelessly than I do when he's angry (part of the reason he just wants to shut up sometimes instead of attempting to talk something out).

Blah blah blah blah....I need to talk less, he needs to talk more, and I need to give my mind a break from this right now!

Thanks again for your posts, bees!!!