Post # 1
For the past few weeks I’ve been obsessed with wedding things. It’s become a hobby for me and something that makes me happy.
Well, FI just told me that he wished I would put as much effort into reading books he’s gotten me as I do with our wedding.
You see, when I was 17 I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Major Depression, PTSD and Panic/Anxiety Disorder.
I’ve struggled with this even during my childhood but was too young for medication and it wasn’t until I got really REALLY bad that I was evaluated and diagnosed.
I don’t have a job and haven’t been able to work but I get help. I was on disability but when my father died I started getting checks from him. I’m not proud of it, I’m going to be 30 this year and haven’t done anything special with my life nor really lived my life due to my mental illness. I don’t know how to drive and refuse to learn, it’s just like working. I just can’t do it.
When I first started dating my FI I was up front with him and told him about everything and he was fine with it. He started buying books on all these subjects and wanting me to read these books. I start reading them but they are telling me things I already know. If anything he should be the one reading them so he can better understand what I’m going through. But he shoves these books in my face and expects me to read them and like a miracle will happen and I’ll be cured.
From where I was to now I’m doing better. Not 100% but better. It’s a big accomplishment for me how far I’ve come. But since he wasn’t with me nor did he know how bad the struggle was from then to now, it’s like he’s taking my best as my worst. What more can I do????
I’ve told him before that maybe he needs a woman who knows how to drive, supports herself and everything else I can’t do. Maybe I’m just not good enough for him.
Post # 3
Are you already engaged? Or just planning for fun?
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
This is more of a career suggestion: Maybe you could be a self-employed wedding planner; it’s probably a year or two-year course. Get some fancy titles after your name. Boom. Official wedding planner. There’s nothing wrong being obsessed with weddings. 🙂
Post # 5
@pinkkathryn: We’ve been engaged for 3 years, four on Christmas Eve this year.
Post # 6
@Cynderbug: Thanks for the support! I’ve thought about it but the stress would kill me! I was in charge of my niece and nephews quincenera march and that almost drove me more crazy! lol
Post # 7
Hmm…I imagine that your FI is having trouble understanding what it is like for you to have these illnesses. It is definitely hard for someone who has never gone through something like this first hand to imagine what it is like. Maybe because you are a bit better than what you were in the past he thinks that means you can become 100% better just by self help and eventually have a job and lead a “normal” life.
I would honestly just humor him. Has he read the books himself or not? If not, you could probably get away with skimming them. Who knows, maybe you will find something new that you didn’t know before. Maybe you should suggest that HE also reads the books, so that maybe he can understand what’s going on. Ask him if he has any questions, etc. Maybe once he understands a bit better what goes on in your head he will be able to sympathize a bit more.
I personally don’t have any of the illnesses that you have described in your OP, so I cannot at all relate to what you are going through. It is natural for someone like me or your FI to think, “why can’t she just tell herself to be happy. Happiness is a choice. She could suck it up and go to work, etc.” After learning more about mental illnesses I now know that isn’t the case, so I’m not so quick to judge, but maybe your FI just needs to be educated a bit more about it all.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
@jenxash: I wouldn’t think wedding planning is a one-person army though. You could hire someone to help you with “expectations management” or “damage control”, lol.
Plus, it gets a lot of networking to get a rapport of vendors anyway to be able to get any kinds of preferrential pricing.
Post # 9
@jenxash: I would be obsessed with wedding things too after that long of an engagement! Have you talked to your FI about how you feel about those books? Maybe find a hobby you can do together and put effort into.
Mayve be you could read the books (or skim) and parts you feel he would get something out of be like “hey babe I was reading the book you got me and read something interesting… Can I share it with you” maybe he’ll appreciate your effort and also get something out of it.
sorry I can’t be much help!
Post # 10
My FI will do something similar with Fibromyalgia. He will send me articles and studies, like I haven’t already looked up this stuff on my own. It gets very frustrating, so I usually need to have a serious talk about how I am well-versed in my illness and the best way he can help me is to be supportive and understanding. Sending all of the information on “cures” just makes me feel like he’s not happy with who I am. To him, he’s trying to help the person he loves. Your FI probably feels the same way.
Do you go to therapy? Maybe knowing you’re still working toward improvement will help him feel better, and it could help you, too.
Post # 11
@jenxash: why the wait? Maybe the lengthy engagement is consuming your thoughts:)
Post # 12
@jenxash: Please don’t look at this as some failing on your part or as not “being good enough.” You know your limits. There is an amazing strength in that — in knowing what you can and cannot handle and in knowing what kind of coping mechanisms you have to live with your illness. Your fiance can’t force you to change your limits and he needs to know that. He can’t “fix” you by throwing books at you. Do you have a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist that you see? Because it might help to have a conversation about this with him and with a professional who understands your medical needs. But this really is more about him trying to adjust to your new life together; it’s not about any inherent flaw or failing on your part.
Post # 13
It’s time to start rehearsing a discussion with him. What does he expect you to get out of reading them? It sounds like he doesn’t read much about it – does he think you’ll read it, then be cured of these illnesses? You’re doing better, but he needs to understand that when it comes to a mental illness diagnosis – especially multiple ones – it’s going to be a lifelong ride he has to be prepared for. It’s not something one can read away.
I’ll be honest: your long engagement (unless there’s a reason of which we’re all not aware) paired with his statement about wishing you read those books as much as you planned weddings, suggests to me that he’s using it as a convenient scapegoat for not getting hitched. It says to me, “If you read those more and figured out these illnesses, maybe we could move forward with the wedding.” A bit of a reach, I know – but I’ve seen convoluted language like this before, and it usually rolls right into that.
What’s the rest of your relationship like? Is there an element of control here -i.e., did he sense some helplessness in you, and that drew him in? Was he thinking of “fixing” you? I see a possible dynamic in which he gets to feel superior and in control, and on the opposite end, you get to feel like weak crap.
Please keep us updated and give more information when you can. But no – I don’t think he’s “too good “for you or that you aren’t good enough. We all have challenges to get through, and we all start at different vantage points. Some people are able to achieve at 20 what I can only pray to achieve at 50 – partly out of hard work, but also a lot of luck and privilege too.
Post # 14
“I’ll be honest: your long engagement (unless there’s a reason of which we’re all not aware) paired with his statement about wishing you read those books as much as you planned weddings, suggests to me that he’s using it as a convenient scapegoat for not getting hitched. It says to me, “If you read those more and figured out these illnesses, maybe we could move forward with the wedding.” A bit of a reach, I know – but I’ve seen convoluted language like this before, and it usually rolls right into that.”
Unfortunately, this is what I was thinking too.
OP, if your FI is expecting you to read all these books and to change yourself, it sounds as if he may not have accepted you for who you truly are. I’m not saying he doesn’t love you or doesn’t want to be with you, but I think this warrants further investigation and some serious conversations between the two of you. I get the feeling that he might want to see you change but that you’re okay just being the way you are right now.
I think you can bring this up gently by asking him when he sees you getting married and talking about how he imagines his future life with you.
Post # 15
Well, the night of this post didn’t turn out so great. We got into a huge HUGE fight and he pretty much started putting me down and telling me he hates me. He says he’s done with the relationship and wants me to leave him alone.
Of course I can’t just ‘leave him alone’. I love him. I feel like there’s a lot bothering him and he’s going thorugh a lot and just putting it on me. Or he could just really hate me and not want to be with me. And ultimitly I have no other choice but to leave him alone. He told me that the night before he had a dream he was in love with someone and it felt great but then he woke up and that feeling was gone. He said the only person he’s going to marry is the person who makes him feel that way.
It’s just really hard for me right now. I’m a mess.
Post # 16
He doesn’t love you, doesn’t want to marry you and doesn’t want to be with you anymore.
He obviously doesn’t want to be with someone who has your health issues, and that is his right…if a bee was on here saying she could no longer cope with her FI’s health issues, she would be advised that for his sake she should leave so he could find someone who can.
He’s told you to your face that “he’s done with the relationship and wants me to leave him alone” It might have been said during a fight, but I’d guarantee that he’s being wanting to say something along these lines for awhile.
I’m bipolar, and due to a being in an armed robbery I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and PTSD 2 years ago. I’ve recently had to return to work, I live on my own and the benefits I received were cut so low I had no choice. My FI does his best, but even he doesn’t understand how hard my illness can make what he sees as simple everyday things.
You don’t want to be with someone who has said the sort of stuff he has. Focus on yourself and your recovery.