Maybe is all in head… or maybe not (very long vent)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Forget and move on?
    I'm over reacting : (6 votes)
    30 %
    I'm right to feel this way.. Talk to him about it : (8 votes)
    40 %
    Just let it go : (6 votes)
    30 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    6073 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @Jennifferq:  What do you think you’re feeling mostly?  Guilt? Gypped? Duped? Unsettled?

     

    I worry when people say they don’t believe in the marriage but then go along with the ride.

    Post # 5
    Member
    6073 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @Jennifferq:  You mentioned that due to his parents’ horrible divorce, he doesn’t believe in marriage.  If he still has the same attitude now, then I really doubt that he would have felt like putting any effort into it, nor would he have proposed if you didn’t push him.  I guess that spells it out for me: doesn’t believe in marriage = won’t do any wedding/marriage things on his own.

    What is his attitude now that you’re engaged?  Does he feel the same?  Is he just going to go through the wedding motions?  What about marriage motions?

    I will say that I had a horrible marriage and a bad divorce too.  I could not wait to get remarried and actually pick a better partner for the second time around.  A second chance to do it better!

    Post # 6
    Member
    11668 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I don’t thnk you can blame him that nothing came from him – kind of sounds like that was your own doing. You didn’t give him the chance to buy the ring or propose on his terms.

    The proposal isn’t what matters, nor is it the wedding. It’s the marriage that follows that’s important. It’s been 3 months, I think it’s time to let it go and move on and focus on what’s important – your relationship.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2565 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Do you think you had a fiarytale idea of what a proposal is “supposed to be” built up in your head, and because you didn’t get it you are now disappointed?

    I proposed to FI, while sitting at the couch eating breakfast.  He said “this isn’t romantic, there’s no ring”.  I told him I didn’t care, I just loved him and wanted to marry him.  So he propsed back.  There was no ring for 6 months.  He didn’t know about Moissanite so I picked out the ring and sent him the website.  We were LDR so he ordered the ring and had it sent to me, after receiving it I called him on Skype and put it on.  Not very traditional, he didn’t really have any input at all, but we are still engaged, still in love, and still getting married.  I have no regrets over the way it happened.

    Are there other things going on in your relationhip that you still dwell on this three months later and are still upset by it?  If everything else is fine and you aren’t having any other issues, I really think you need to let this go.

    Post # 8
    Member
    6507 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Would you have settled for a cheaper ring?

     

    I guess this situation is why I would advise people not to push for a proposal. I was worried I would end up feeling like he didn’t actually want to be engaged. I would talk to him and make sure marriage is what he wants. It sounds like from the beginning he told you he didn’t believe in marriage. I have a hard time believing that he went from “not believing” in it to wanting to get married in less than two years. Is your date set? Has he helped plan at all? Does he avoid wedding talk?

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    3693 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Have you talked to your fiance about your concerns?

    Post # 11
    Member
    6073 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I guess in my head it’s like he told you before that the doesn’t eat or like pizza and doesn’t plan on having it in the future. 

     

    But you order pizza every night and try to get him to eat some of it.  So he takes a little nibble due to all the pressure.  Then you get upset that he didn’t go out and buy pizza or suggest pizza for dinner or that pizza isnt his new favorite food, and that you had to put alll the effort into getting pizza in the first place.

     

    KWIM?

     

    Post # 12
    Member
    345 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    It seems like maybe you got a little caught up in buying the ring you wanted (which is not a bad thing, you have to wear it for the rest of your life) but that meant you didn’t stop to consider the other things you wanted, like more of a suprise proposal and you now feel like you pushed him into it.

    On the surprise proposal thing, I don’t mean to be harsh, but you more or less ruined that for yourself. You picked out the ring, you bought the ring, then you pushed him into proposing. You made it less of a surprise than it might have otherwise been. So really, you only have yourself to blame there.

    If you’re feeling like you pushed him into proposing, maybe have a conversation with him expressing how you feel. Ask him if he felt rushed, and ask him if maybe he wouldn’t mind waiting a little bit to actually propose. If he’s feeling rushed, maybe give him back the ring, and let him do it when he’s feeling ready. Then you won’t feel like you rushed him into it, and you might also get more of a surprise proposal when you’re not expecting it.

    Post # 13
    Member
    3948 posts
    Honey bee

    So he doesnt believe in marriage, didnt plan a proposal, and acts like he wants to put the wedding off? It’s time to have a heart to heart and figure out if this is what you both want.

    Post # 14
    Member
    6073 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @Jennifferq:  Maybe he’s trying to go along with it hoping he’ll want it, but it’s not working.  I’d definitely halt all wedding planning and get a real heart-to-heart out on the table about the future and marriage and what it means for you guys.

    Post # 15
    Member
    3394 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @Jennifferq:  Mine may not be a popular answer, but this is exactly what I would do. I would sit down and have a quiet, calm, heart to heart with him. I would explain to him how I feel like I pushed him into something he wasn’t 100% sure about. I woud tell him I love him, I do not want to break up, I want to marry him more than anything in the world. Then I would give him the ring back. Ask him to propose to me again as soon as he is 100% sure that’s what he wants to do. And promise that I will not bring it up again so that he can have his time to make his choice. 

    May not be a popular choice, but that’s what I would do. 

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