Weddingbee boards

Oh boy -- we had a wonderful weekend together doing a whole lot of nothing besides relaxing, cleaning the condo, and running errands for us!  It was the first time in a while we were able to do that and it felt great. It also lead to a lot of really great conversations that we've been putting off because we've been so busy.  Which led us to the potential decision to move in with his parents ... here's some background:

We were really looking to buy a house before our wedding (Jan 2) but a few things were holding us back -- it looks like I will be losing my job at the end of July; we really haven't found "the house" and don't want to buy just to buy anything; and we are also not 100% sure where we either of us will be working and therefore don't want to buy a house that could potentially result in a horrible commute. 

We currently own the condo we live in and plan to rent it out while owning a house as an income properety. (FYI -- Financially, as long as I have a job when we own both properties, we would be more then capable of doing this.) It is located along the water and has a beautiful pool and really great summer atmosphere. In this area Sept 1 is high time for rental units - so we really think that our best bet would be to rent it for Sept 1 -- and move in with his parents until we find a house. 

This is where the OMG is this a terrible idea?!?! comes in.  They have an in-law apartment that his grandmother lived in and moved out 6 months ago to move to a nursing home. It is large and spacious and definitely separate from the house, but also still connected at the same time. His parents are wondeful loving people and I get along with them well -- though also at times they are over-hospitable (I fear they would expect us to have dinner with them often -- but there is a full kitchen in the apartment.) It would also put us much closer to my parents which would be nice in the last few months before the wedding. Also - my parents have a second house (summer house that is fully functional year round) that we would spend a lot of time on the weekends so it wouldn't be as if we were stuck there at their house 100% of the time.

So here's my question - do any of you live with your to-be-in-laws? how is it? are you able to have your own lives? Was it helpful or hurtful to your relationship with them - and with your fiance? This is not a final decision yet for sure -- but I'd love to hear some suggestions/advice. Thanks!!

haha, I'm happy to see the two "wow"'s from you ladies because, wow was really what I was thinking.  When we first discussed this it was mostly discussing living in my parents summer house -- but for my FI that would be a miserable commute to work (literally 2 hours each way) which would just be unreasonable. So I jokingly mentioned "hey if I lose my job maybe you can quit your job and we can just live at the beach" ... and he was like "yeah I was thinking about that, what would you think about moving into nana's apartment?" I literally lost my breath. I was like "wow, umm wow, umm okay hmm wow."  haha.  But the more I think about it the more it is definitely a short term solution and we would save a LOT of money over those four months, especially if I'm not working or I am working to find a job.

I also totally agree about hashing everything out before hand - and getting it in writing - nothing with signatures or anything but just a list of things that needs to be put out on the table from the start. 

Has anyone actually done it?  I'd love some real life advice from someone who has been there. But I also appreciate all the "go for its" it's making me feel less crazy!  

Nix -- sorry I didnt see your response before I wrote mine!  It's great to hear from someone who is actually doing it. And yes we would have everything of our own - laundry, kitchen, personal entrance so they dont even need to see us coming and going (besides our cars) -- Yeah I know what you mean about all the family visits and things like that would definitely be hard, but we do have my parents house (10 minutes away) that we can get away to or my parents beach house (30 minutes away) so we have an "escape"

chelsea -- the unexpected drop ins on both sides are what I am most nervous about -- I don't want my FI going down there every evening to watch the Red Sox with his dad and I don't want his mom coming up with some leftovers from the night before's dinner.  But I think that if we get that all out beforehand then it could work out for the best. 

I also think since it's most likely very short term it shouldnt be too terrible!

kjpugs -- I feel like neither of us would fight with his parents .... but rather with each other based on the situation. Like I said, I can see myself saying "you're going to watch the game with your dad again?!?!" or "your mom just came upstairs and knocked, I was half naked!" ... something like that is my fear. But I also know that it could be a really good thing for us. Such an interesting twist!

Gerbera -- thanks so much for that!! I appreciate your honest opinion.  We have done a few vacations -- one was 10 days on a BOAT with his family, but that was also in an exotic amazing location so it was easy to be happy there. I've also done a few long weekends with them at their family cabin up in Maine, so I have been around them for extended periods of time.   I also totally agree about the utilities - thankfully it is set up so there are totally separate bills that come for the apartment so we will be paying for those for sure.  It will definitely have an end date, it's not a "until the timing is right" I think if anything it will force me to get a move on finding a new job and also really working hard to find the right house for us. I think it's still something we need to discuss amongst us and then also with his parents. 

The other last thing is that I can see *my* parents being "sad" that we didnt move in with them -- but they do not have an in law suite that has all it's own stuff like his parents do. So that's a whole different issue. ha.

Yowza - thanks for the over-night input everyone!  I had my fiance read this last night and he was impressed with all the good feedback, I'm looking forward to having him read the rest of this!

@kate - yes, worth trying for sure, I guess I just get nervous that we might get "stuck" there! 

@doctorgirl- right now, it seems like a win-win ... there is a tiny pit in both of our stomachs because we know we would never take it out on his parents, but rather ecah other ... I can see myself saying "you're MOM came UP HERE AGAIN last night at 9pm - YOU need to do something about that" -- even though he would have no control over it.  That is what I am a little afraid of.

@lch -  the money really is the biggest factor right now, especially since there is a chance i will be unemployed for however long it would be really really nice to have the income from the rental and very limited bills. 

@lillindy  - The "hurt feelings" aspect is also one we've thought about a little. I know that his mom will want to treat us like her kids and if we tell her that we're "adults" and we dont need her -- I think that would definitely make her sad ... not mad, but just sad. She really loves taking care of people, she's a teacher, it's what she does -- so I think it might make it hard to set those boundaries, but once they are set - she would respect them.

@mrbee - that is for SURE part of the plan -- every weekend we could - we would get away to my parents beach house. we would really try to do that as often as posisble, most likely having that awful commute monday mornings and friday evenings so that we could have whole weekends to ourselves. it would mean a lot of packing and back and forthing but totally worth it to just be able to walk around in a space that is our "own". 

@slicey - I appreciate the well wishes and the real life story -- I'm surprised I haven't had more responses from people who are in this situation -- I know for us it would certainly be less than a year, hopefully less than 6 months, and we would spend a lot of time making sure that we were both happy and that his parents were happy. It has potential to be a tough situation, but also has potential to be wonderful as we'd be closer to his family (duh!) and closer to mine as well. 

@nicole - I hope that it works out for you guys!! 

@ejs -You said it perfectly in regards to "just enjoying each others company on the couch" ... in all honesty that is my fear!  My favorite time of the day is from 7-9pm when we are just eating dinner, watching TV, and catching up. I'm a little afraid that time will go away ... but I think that's more of an issue between me and my FI then us and his parents. I think we need to set boundaries for each other as well as for them. 

 again -- thank you to ALL who responded!  we're talking and talking and talking about this and will probably be making a decision sooner then later.  this alll also depends on if we can find someone to rent the condo! HA oh boy! :)  keep the responses coming! 

@july &  @jessie - I like the idea of an exit plan. I love how it's almost like a fire drill ... and you have to watch that for when there is smoke, comes fire! We have to be able to get out if and when we need to.

@jessie - I appreciate you bringing to light some of the difficult stuff. It's definitely not going to be easy, but might be worth it in the end. Your MIL sounds a bit like my mom, she hates when we leave and always wants us to stay or come back the next weekend. It's out of love, but gets annoying -- I'm a grown up he's a grown up we're adults let us be!!

@Humarockbride -- I can give you a little insight on this from experience.  Currently, Mr. DE and I are living with his parents.  I don't hate it, but I really, really don't like it.  I would have never agreed to it had we not had an exit plan in place before hand.  I needed to see the light at the end of the tunnel and, thankfully, that light is just under three weeks away.

We made the decision to move in with them out of necessity.  Mr. DE was laid off earlier in the year and that put our planned house hunting in Feb. and March on hold. (he's working now, though) We just put a bid on a house a day or two before the wedding and it was accepted.  Renting seemed silly because you'd get locked in to a long-term lease (at least three months and we didn't want that).  Month-to-month rentals were too much $$$, and so was staying at a hotel or motel. 

After we got back from our honeymoon (we lived seperately prior), we needed a place to go and his parents seemed like the logical option.  They were closer to where we work and they had the room.  We could have lived with my parents, but we decided to stay with his.

I couldn't ask for better in-laws.  My issues with the situation isn't with them personally.  They are really, really great, especially my MIL, but it's just weird living under the same roof with them.  Because we aren't going to be there long, I've been living out of a suitcase.  This sucks because I feel so unsettled.  I hate that feeling.  I also feel weird because I don't really know where stuff is around their house and hate having to ask questions all of the time.  I feel like I'm intruding on them, even though I'm sure they would tell me I'm not---doesn't change the way I feel, though.  I don't feel comfortable there and it's awkward when I want to do stuff I want to do because I might not do them the way his family does. All of it has been an adjustment for me.  I can't stress enough how uncomfortable and unsettled the whole thing makes me feel.

In a way, I resent Mr. DE because he gets to be close to his family everyday, he's comfortable in the surroundings, and overall, he's home and has the comforting feeling of being home.  We've talked about all of this, but the solution to my problem will come when we have our own place in a few weeks.  We house sat at my sister's place for a week and it was so nice---just the two of us---and I felt so much more comfortable, so I'm confident about how I'll feel when we move into our place.  But for now, I'm going to put up with the situation we're in and try not to let the days drag on.  Time at their house seems like it is at a standstill---part because of the anticipation of closing on our house and part because I of how I feel about the situation.

I really couldn't live under the same roof as another couple, family or not, if I didn't have a definite exit plan.  I don't think the situation would be much different if we lived with my parents.  It would still be awkward.

In you case, I just think that doing it without an exit plan would be a big no-no.  If you get along well with them, that's awesome.  Just be prepared for the other aspects.  Maybe I'm just not the type to be comfortable in someone else's house and you can be.  (I hope so for your sake!)  I know the whole situation is not going to kill me, but it does suck sometimes. 

I don't mean to make it seem that bad, because it is doable.  I just wanted to share my experience with you. Good luck with your decision!

Sorry for the delay -- this is definitely still an ongoing conversation. We've tried to think of all the different aspects of this plan ... a few additions to consider are that his younger brother lives there (he's 23) and how we would have to have a conversation with him about the boundaries as well. Then there's the family dog -- that my FI LOVES -- It started out as me joking "No WAY Spot is NOT allowed in the apartment" and then FI saying, of course she is!! and then I realized that I really didnt want the dog to be in the apartment ... and it turned into a serious one. 

There are a LOT of things to consider. I've spoken with a few friends who know us and know his parents - and they have said it wouldn't be a terrible situation.  If we go forward with this there would be a very serious sit down conversation with his parents regarding boundaries and bills and all the other things listed above. We are 100% having an "exit plan" ... as soon as I get a job and we find a house, we are OUT of there.  For us, financially, this is not a necessity.  We could continue to live on our own on my FIs salary but it is rather a way to be totally comfortable as well as save, save, save. The other major factor is the timing involved with renting our condo. 

@Mrs DE --  I really do appreciate your perspective. I totally get the idea of feeling intrustive and not knowing where things are and doing things differently then they would do things. I can imagine how you are feeling a bit trapped and wishing that you had never done it ... but you do have your light at the end of the tunnel - the house will be all yours sooo soon!!  Together you and Mr DE made it through this, and like you said when you house sat - everything was fine, happy, and comfortable. I'm sorry you had to go through this tough time, I'm hoping that if we go ahead with this, that we can both make it through unscathed. 

@rbd -- I appreciate the positive perspective too! thanks  :)