Post # 1
So my shower was Sunday at it was a beautiful event. I had such a great time with friends and family and felt so loved. The only upset I really felt and not really that it ruined my day but it was just kind of a downer was the gift that my FSIL got me. I am not trying to say I dont appreciate a gift because I truly do and I realize that people did not have to give me anything but the thing is she gave me a set of our flatware – that was it. Now its not really about the money (I am understanding they just had a baby – even though they are by no means hurting for cash) its the fact that it was so impersonal not to mention that on the gift receipt it shows it was bought the night before. Its just kind of disappointing that she didnt really put any thought into it, while I spent all the time getting something for her baby shower – got her the stroller and carseat combo, all these cute outfits, and even made her a diaper baby (which is pretty impressive considering I am not at all crafty!)
I guess I just thought that maybe she would have put a little more thought into it. I just feel like I am struggling with being integrated into their family and maybe I shouldnt worry so much just continue to be myself. I guess I was upset because I was thoughtful in buying for her shower trying to do something I would do for my own sister and I didn’t feel like I got the same in return.
Am I being unreasonable?
Post # 3
Yes. No offense, but she just had a baby, is probably sleep deprived, hormonal, and super busy. It’s really sweet of you to put so much effort into her baby shower gift, but judging her for not reciprocating the amount of effort is uncool.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t put too much thought into it based on what you’ve said here. If she just had a baby, it is possible that it slipped her mind in the midst of adjusting to that new lifestyle. I’ve had situations like this where I put tons and tons of thought into gifts and only received a fraction of such efforts in return. It used to upset me a lot, and I definitely feel where you are coming from. However, just take it in stride. Maybe she meant to put some money in the card and forgot or something. Just remember it next time you feel the urge to go out of your way 10x over and pull yourself back a bit–for your own sake.
Post # 5
No, you’re not unreasonable. I know what you mean. I would feel the same too. She was either extremely busy with baby or doesn’t really care. I wouldn’t do that to my SIL.
I kind of have similar situation but from my parents-in-law. For our wedding they gave us a congratulations card with a lotto ticket. I told my husband I didn’t expect anything big but something more touching woud’ve been nice. My husband thought I was selfish to even complain considering his mom paid for my bridal shower. But I’ve spent about $300 out of my pocket for their 25 year anniversary, so it’s not like I don’t give in return. I just felt a lotto ticket and a card was a little cold. It’s been almost a year since I married, still kind of resent that.
Post # 6
That’s about how much effort I’d expect from somebody with a newborn (You say “just” and I’m inferring 6 weeks or less ago?) And if your flatware is in the 30-50 range that’s on par with how much even the closest family members spent on shower gifts as well.
Theres so much complaining that happens when people don’t stick to the registry that she probably thought she was doing good by getting you one of the things you specifically asked for.
Post # 7
@krstino1012: I do get it. As someone who tries to go out of my way to help other people, I can’t help but feel disappointed when people don’t go out of the way for me.
It’s taken me a long time to accept that other people aren’t like me and I have to stop thinking that because someone doesn’t go out of their way for me, it doesn’t mean they don’t love and appreciate me.
Have you read about love languages? Mine is definitely gifts. To me, a gift shows thought and apprecition and time spent. But other people have different love languages. Maybe she calls you loads and you don’t call her half as much? She might be upset about that, but you’d never know because you don’t see phone calls as important!
Try not to take it to heart. I’ve been really hurt by things like this, but slowly I’ve learned to accept it. And I’d kill to have a friend like you 🙂
Post # 8
I feel that you are being slightly unreasonable. You mentioned that it was “our flatware” meaning that it was something you registered for?
I think it was a nice gesture on your part to be super thoughtful for her shower; but if the flatware is something you wanted and you registered for; you can give yourself a day to mope and whine and then after that you should probably let it go. She’s a new mom and frazzled and hormonal.
Post # 9
I get where you’re coming from, but at least she got you something you actually registered for. It’s not like she just ran out to Walmart and got the first thing she saw. As PP said, if she is a new mom, she is probably exhausted and trying to figure out her new life. In addition, some people are just better gift givers than others. I’ll admit that I’m a terrible gift giver because I always forget what people want when it’s time to get a gift and I’m not very good at sentimentality. Unless she’s displayed coldness at other times with you, I wouldn’t worry about this incident. I don’t think she was going out of her way to be rude. In addition, you can’t blame this all on her. She has a spouse that could’ve helped out and picked out a better gift.
Post # 10
Yes, you are being unreasonable
Post # 11
I guess the thing is that she has been cold to me before and I tried to put this behind me. She has gone so far as to send nasty texts to me FI about how my family is cold and rude. and i quote “hope you like living with that”. She also ignores our calls/texts frequently and never gets back to us but then if we don’t respond as soon as she calls (this was even before baby) she gets all snooty. There were some issues with the bridal shower planning and his family anyway i posted about before http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/fmil-issue#axzz2M1x8Dm5L
i guess i am just a little more sensitive about his family – but have gotten better about trying not to let it bother me.
Post # 12
@krstino1012: I think you’re overthinking this. Until you know what it’s like to have a baby, it’s hard to imagine. She is probably busy, running on little sleep, etc. Maybe she did give it a lot of thought – you never know. You might be hard to shop for (in her eyes anyway).
I think you’re projecting your fears/upset of not integrating well into this family onto this one gift. I would try not to think about it.
Post # 13
I dont think it is unreasonable to want her to put as much effort into it as you do for her. But, since she just had a baby, you have to be considerate of that. Being totally honest, I would feel slighted as well. My FSIL would do the same thing. I always go to her brithday parties (yes, she throws huge parties for herself, every year, and is an adult)..yet I dont get so much as a birthday text from her.
I would let it go for now but if you have a baby and she doesnt give effort for that, then I would speak up.
Post # 14
If you are going to go out of your way for someone like you did with her, you need to do it with NO expectations.
You can’t expect other people to do as much, or put in as much as you do…if you do you are just setting yourself up for disappointment.
My guess is you did what you did for her because you wanted to, so don’t be upset now because you didn’t get exactlly the same back. It’s not fair. You didn’t get her a nice gift under the condition she would do the same.
Post # 15
what’s to complain about? she bought you something you picked out and said you wanted. Most of my shower guests bought gifts the day or two before, even the day of. who cares?! cut her some slack, she just had a baby!
you don’t do things for others with the expectation of getting something equally nice back.
Post # 16
You are being unreasonable. Having a baby takes a lot out of a person especially the first few months.