Post # 1
I’ve been dating this guy for almost a year now. He’s divorced and has a 10-year-old son, who lives with his mother. My SO has him every other weekend and few weeks during summer.
We live in different cities, so we can only see each other during weekends (we both have full-time jobs). I assumed that at least in summer we’re gonna get a week off together, but he somehow didn’t think about it and planned his summer so that he and his son had some time together, 3 weeks in August.
Of course, I understand that it’s necessary for them to spend as much time together as possible. His son needs him, I get it. I’m not gonna steal the father off from his child – that (in my mind) would be absolutely evil.
Recently I’ve proposed that we can go somewhere together: me, him and his son. He was very surprised because I’ve always made an impression that such a thing is not an option. He said he must talk to his son. He promised to give me an answer by Sunday, 16th.
I’m quite doubtful. I proposed few trips in the past and the answer was just: ‘no’. He had plans with his son. Which I understand, of course. But he never said: ‘ok, I can’t go then, because I’m with my son. How about meeting some other time instead?’.
The thing that worries me is that he never plans anything for us. It’s me who always says: ‘Let’s meet up at my place’, ‘How about a weekend at your place’ or ‘Let’s go to Paris’ etc. I propose, I plan and he just… joins. He’s a wonderful companion, but it seems like I’m the only one who makes an effort. It’s really important for me to finally be able to have few days together but it seems like he doesn’t care. I can’t help but wondering: am I just a girl for a weekend for him?
Post # 2
- Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club
MiniHeart : Only he can truly answer this question. Have you ever asked him to plan something for you? I think if he is going to ask his son about a trip, that’s a good indication that he wants to do it, he just doesn’t want to make his son feel uncomfortable which IMO is wonderful to ask him how he eels. I think you need to address your SO about your feelings.
Post # 3
i don’t see any drama, per say. but the best person would be to ask is your boyfriend. maybe he doesn’t like planning, maybe he likes when you do it. nothing will change until you talk to him.
Post # 4
I can’t help but wondering
Is this sex and the city?
Anyways, have you ever talked to him about initiating more? It sounds like it isnt just the kid that’s the issue, its his lack of involvement in your relationship.
Post # 5
I think aside from wanting to spend time with his son alone (understandable), he seems passive in the relationship. Perhaps managing time with his son and working are all the planning he is able to do at the moment. Ask him about it (leaving his son out of it). After that, stop planning things. Let him make plans if he wants to see you. If the relationship fizzles, you have your answer. This would frustrate me, too. A one-sided relationship never feels good.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park
jellybellynelly : I’m glad i’m not the only one.
Post # 7
MiniHeart : How much vacation time does he get? Why can’t you two plan a trip when the son returns to school? Personally, without a serious commitment, I think it’s still too soon to travel with BF’s son.
The fact that he’s not a planner is something you will probably have to accept if you end up together.
Post # 8
Sounds as if his son is his only priority, and you are there for when his son isn’t. If you are ok with this, get used to it.
Many women wouldn’t be. But this guy doesn’t sound ready for a real steady relationship, at least not until his kid is older and wants to be with his friends more than with Dad.
Post # 9
Have you met his son?
If you have, then he’s probably just not interested in sharing a trip with you and his son. He wants to focus totally on his son.
If you haven’t met his son, there’s probably a reason. He doesn’t really sound that interested in you based on what you’ve posted.
Dating someone with a child, especially an older child, is very touchy. Sounds like you and him need to sit down and have some serious conversations.
Post # 10
This was my condition for going on a vacation together, all three of us: that his son is ok with me going and he’s ok that me and his dad will show some sign of affection, like cuddling, holding hands, kissing. I want to be sure that it will be as comfortable as possible for all of us, but at the same time I know it won’t be easy.
I’ve already met his son, so it’s not like we would meet for the first time on said vacation.
I have planned one more trip for me and SO and that is in a week. After that, I feel like I want to stop trying so much and see what happens. If he can’t make small plans with me, how can he makes big ones? Am I right or maybe I got carried away worrying too much?
P.S. Sorry for that corny Sex and the City reference.. 😉
Post # 11
MiniHeart : A ten year old shouldn’t be making decisions like these. It is inappropriate IMO to put what should be an adult decision on him.
Post # 12
MiniHeart : You’ve only been together for a year, so I’m just wondering how many possible trips you could have planned?
How often does your SO get to spend time with his son completely alone? It sounds like you two are together every weekend so that means you’d be there almost every time he gets time with his son. Is that correct? If that’s the case, I understand why he wants some alone time with his kid.
Also, just to throw this out there: My husband is not a planner AT ALL. If I want to go somewhere or do something special, I have to organize and plan it myself. I’m a planner by nature though, so this works for me. My husband is always happy to go on trips and whatnot, but the idea of planning them completely stresses him out to the point where he’d just rather stay home.
Post # 13
weddingmaven : Agree 100%. It shouldn’t fall on his son.
Personally, but yourself in the shoes of his son. I wouldn’t be comfortable going on a vacation with my dad and his new girlfriend. Especially when that time is the only 1 on 1 I get with my dad. (Sure he gets him every other weekend but that’s nothing).
Post # 14
Me and my SO meet 1-2 times a month.
I’m little bit torn here – I understand that since SO and his son had already something planned, he should ask the kid first, if it’s ok to alternate the plans. They are supposed to go camping with SO’s childhood friends for 4 days. I suggested a week by the sea instead, so I understand that SO needs to talk to the son.
On the other hand, it makes me angry that a 10-year-old boy will decide about my life…
Post # 15
MiniHeart : if you’re mad that a ten year old is deciding your life, you might want to date someone who doesn’t have one.
Sorry to be harsh, but Theres just no way for a father to be a decent father and not make plans with his kid, plans he really shouldn’t change for his girlfriend esp when this is the only month he gets him.