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OK, I'm probably gonna get ripped on for this one but I've got to see whether I'm crazy or not. FI is in an upcoming wedding (I've not met any of these people yet because they are in a different part of the country) where the bride is a vegetarian. I have no problem with vegetarians, I have many friends who are vegetarian or pescatarian. It's fine. What I have a problem with is the fact that, because the bride, her mother, and one of her cousins are all vegetarian, it is going to be a completely meat-free wedding. The options on the reply card were "vegetarian" or "fish" - absolutely no specifics as to what type of fish or any of that. I just find it a bit presumptuous to only offer a veg or fish option just because you happen to be a vegetarian. I'm a hardcore carnivore and I'm offering vegetarian options for those people that don't eat meat, why shouldn't it be the same when the shoe is on the other foot?
P.S. I've already agreed to smuggle in cheeseburgers for my FI and two of the other groomsmen, and I'm eating before the wedding. Oh, and it took three calls to find out what "fish" translates to. It's tilapia, which I don't like for reasons I won't get into here in case people enjoy and/or are serving tilapia.
Yeah, I'm not really crazy about that. I don't think it would be horrible for them to offer a chicken or beef dish for their non-vegetarian family and friends.
I am not a veg and almost NO ONE we know are but we're doing veg options... so why shouldn't veg do meat options for their meat-eating friends (presumably, most of the guests?) I think fish are RISKY since it's not like chicken or pork- every fish is different!!! So I feel your pain. I usually end up hating the veg options (I hate cooked veg, and mushrooms and peppers... so yea I'm picky) plus I don't eat fish, so I'd probably starve at that wedding.
The only thing I wonder is if they have some ethical reasoning behind it? Maybe fish was a compromise for them...
Regardless, I try to keep in mind that while it is Our Day and Our Wedding, we are still hosts and need to be good hosts.
I was vegan up until about 3 weeks ago, so at the time I was planning the food I was obviously vegan. That being said, I of course included 3 different meat options on the menu. Just because I was choosing to eat a certain way did not mean I was going to push my views on my guests. The majority of people eat meat and a host should be sensitive to her guests.
I dunno, I can get irritated by the "high horse" that some vegetarians get up on sometimes (I have actually been called a "flesh eater" once!) but I think it is perfectly reasonable to offer a fish entree and a veggie entree - its not like they're only offering tofurkey or something. It's unfortunate that you don't like tilapia (which I think is yummy) and don't want the veggie option, but it's possible that both entrees would be unattractive to certain guests even if they included meat. I think that's just part of the game. Sneak in the cheeseburgers and enjoy the wedding.
No, there's no ethical reason - that I could at least understand. If you don't eat meat or are vegan for ethical reasons, I could completely understand why you would choose not to offer those foods at your wedding and, while I can't say I would be thrilled about it, I would respect that choice. But FI asked one of the other GMs and he said that the groom said "that's just what they [bride and her mother] wanted to do." I find that obnoxious.
Hostess FAIL.
I see how maybe it's more considerate to offer meat, though I know lots of vegetarians just want people to give it a chance or even may have serious ethical concerns about where the meat comes from depending on what their venue restrictions are. It's one meal and their wedding, I'm of the opinion if you're a guest at someones house (or where they're hosting) it's hard to say you should have offered me this instead, and I've said the same thing to vegetarians as well.
Honestly, I think my feelings would be hurt if I was the bride and anything you said in your post got back to me. Not that you would say anything like that to the bride or groom (obviously), but if something ever got to back to them, it would be pretty hurtful. I think most of weddingbee thinks the wedding should be a reflection of couple, and food choices definitely fit into that category. I think the bride and groom wanted to share themselves and their lives with their guests; to criticize it or complain about it is kinda rude.
Let me share a little story to show you where I'm coming from. My husband and I wanted to do something different for our wedding meal choices, so we decided to serve lamb, pheasant and a vegetarian option. My little sister decided our choices were "gross" and left the reception (right before the toasts) to go to McDonald's for some hamburgers. It was really hurtful to stand up at the front of the reception, when I went to introduce her during my toast, and my mom announced to everyone that she was at Mcdonald's. I know other people probably didn't like our choices, but they kept their mouths shut and ate it anyway. We put a lot of work into our menu, and for a guest (a sister, no less) to complain about the food and not eat what we provided was just really hurtful.
Obviously you probably have a lot more tact than my sister. But sometimes those little jokes get around to people not intended to hear them (i.e. the bride and groom). Wouldn't you feel terrible if they heard your complaints about the meal, joking or not?
First, I want to say that I'm REALLY not being snarky.
Second, I'm vegan. Take my response with a grain of salt.
I think it's the bride and groom's decision (with their families) what they want to serve at their wedding. As a guest, it's important to be grateful for ANY kind of meal. We aren't serving a meal at our wedding, just appetizers. It's also meatless. I have sister that are hardcore carnivores and frankly, I don't care if they don't eat a thing at my reception. Your job as guest, bridesmaid, vendor, etc. is to be supportive on that day and as I told my sisters, aunts, and mom..."Quit yer bitchin'" NOW, I'm not saying that to you, I do just want to point out that if guests want to eat a ton of meat, eat a turkey/beef/sausage sandwich before the wedding. At least she let you know there wouldn't be any there!
@Mrs. Spring - I would absolutely never say anything to anyone (except FI - who is the one who is angrier about it, and the one who requested the cheeseburgers be brought in), and I will sit there and smile and pretend to like tilapia. Like I said, I don't know any of these people (yet) and part of what I love about WB is the anonymity so I can get a general feel if people think that FI and I (and pretty much all the other groomsmen including the bride's brother) are crazy for expecting there to be some sort of meat involved.
Also, it's important to note here that the groom has apparently been totally blocked out of any of the planning choices by bride and her mom, and the bride also forced the groom to stop eating meat against his will and threatened to leave him if he didn't. My FI said I may need to sneak in a cheeseburger for the groom, too. Apparently I'm the meat mule :)
Mrs Spring - I would have locked the doors behind your sister and let her figure out how to get back in. so rude!
Kittyachi - just ask the couple what they plan on serving. Vegetarians usually plan their meals so there is still a filling entree. It doesn't have to be a hunk of chicken to fill you up and taste delicious. I eat everything, so you know where i'm coming from. Also, it's been my experience that these dishes are probably a bit more interesting and well thought out than their meat counterparts. Usually meaty wedding entrees are Filet+potato+small veg portion, bread, salad cake. This veg option could be something rockin', like butternut squash gnocchi or something. I would choose something cool like that in an instant.
I don't think it is rude to offer a vegetarian dish and a fish dish. Obviously it is was the bride/groom/mother wants (and lets not forget paying for).
At the end of the day, they are inviting you to spend a meal with them (and on them!), and they can feed you whatever you want. If you want to go get a cheeseburger afterwards or before or even bring it with you - that's fine. But this is their wedding meal, and it can be whatever they want it to be.
@ Mrs. Dee - totally appreciate your vegan POV and didn't detect snarkiness - no worries :) And the only reason we know there will be no meat is that FI couldn't believe it when he saw the response card so he started calling around to the groomsmen who are in the area and they confirmed the meatlessness after talking to the groom.
Also, I have to say, I think it's easier for me to post about this 'cause I don't know the girl personally and all I've heard about her are horror stories about what a horrible controlling b***h she is. If the bride was one of my BFFs (who is a vegan) I probably would find it easier to suck it up, but then again being my BFF she would know full well that I would scarf down a cheeseburger beforehand.
From a vegitarians perspective I think it's actually quite rude of you to bring meat to her wedding. If she is dead set on not having meat on her day I think you can live without it for a few hours. I do agree that it is more considerate for vegitarians to consider other peoples eating habits (I am having a meat option at my wedding) but I don't think her choice to not serve meat is horribly rude. There wont be any pork at my wedding as per Jewish traiditons. And if someone brought pork to my wedding because they weren't thrilled with our choices I would be beyond angry. If you dont like the food she serves then either eat beforehand or afterwards. I personally have been dealing with tons of people complaining about one choice after another that my fi and I have thought long and hard about. And from our perspective it would be nice if people would just appreciate that we are bothering to invite them at all.
It's their wedding. Honestly, I don't think you should be that upset about it. It's just one night of your life where you don't get to eat meat. You could always eat something before or after.
@Kitty...I have to agree with you. While I understand that it is the bride and groom's day...they are including others in their day and so...should make sure that they are considered when making meal/seating/beverage choices.
It would be nice to be able to say we don't drink...so nobody is drinking...or we don't eat meat...so nobody is eating meat...but seriously...if the bride is going to take that stance...why invite guests to begin with? This gets even more egregious to me for members of the wedding party. I think it's rude to ask somebody to be a member of your wedding party and then not even care if they will starve at your reception.
Wedding guests are just that...guests. If I am invited to someone's home for dinner, my expectation is that the host/hostess will have something there that I can actually eat. The same thing goes for the reception....
...otherwise...there would be a lot of Burger King/McDonald's...or other fast food bags.
So since you don't know her personally and her groomsmen seem to have a problem with her I would just try not to add more fuel to their fire. It's her wedding day, and perhaps she's a horrid person or perhaps she's just lovely and the groomsmen are jealous they have to share their friend. But try to not do anything to bring sourness to her day, especially since you don't have any first hand knowledge of the girl.
Oh. Bitchy vegetarians give the rest of us a bad rap. :(
"this is their wedding meal, and it can be whatever they want it to be."
I don't know that I actually agree with this, thinking about it a little more. This kind of falls into the "It's my Day" syndrome, about which there have been a few posts lately. Barring any sort of ethical concerns or cultural traditions (in terms of food I'm thinking specifically of vegans and kosher Jews, but I'm sure there are many others too), I think a host/hostess should take into account what would make their guests happy. FI and I did, and I guess we are just a little shocked because that was something we took a lot of time to try to get right.
Hmmm I can see both sides on this, honestly. On one hand, being a gracious host means being a gracious host and accomodating people whose food choices differ greatly from yours. I think that means that you should care that people get a good meal at your reception because you care that they made the effort to come.
On the other, you're not there for the food, you're there because you want to celebrate people you love very much making the biggest decision of their lives! Yes, it's outside the ordinary, but it doesn't really matter, ultimately, if you get steak or a salad because your relationship isn't based off of how much they feed you.
However, I am going to venture out and say that it's not a good or considerate idea to smuggle hamburgers in for your FI and his friends. That's fine if they want to go out afterwards, or you want to take them to them while they're getting ready, but to bring them to the reception is undermining the brides plans for the day, and I'm sure you wouldn't like that if someone did it to you. The smell or sight of meat might make her sick, and no one wants that. Golden rule!
I'm interested to know what the vegetarian option is...
Although I would never do this because I do think it's important as a host to offer plenty of options, I wouldn't have a problem eating the things offered. I do agree that it's a little rude to smuggle in hamburgers, but I think it wouldn't be a problem to go get something to eat before/after.
However, I think this might create MAJOR problems for the more-picky of guests. For example, it's so hard for us to go out to dinner with FBIL and FSIL because they are quite literally "steak and potatoes" people. FFIL made scallops with dinner once and they visibly cringed. They pick apart their food wherever we go, won't eat salads, etc. I would imagine if she has some picky/unwielding guests, she's going to be stuck with people who won't even eat dinner.
@starcharades - I'm only bringing in the meat because the people in HER wedding party asked me to since they want it and won't be able to get it themselves beforehand. Don't kill the messenger.
And I will say yet again that the girl isn't a vegetarian for religious or ethical reasons; she just doesn't eat meat and forces it on other people, like her FI who BTW she threatened to LEAVE if he didn't stop eating meat. And, ps, he totally sneaks meat when he's not around her. I won't be bringing him anything, though, because I fear for my life if she smells it on his breath.
Can I just say that 99.9% of the time it's the other way around?
I'm a vegetarian and having a chicken option at my wedding - so we'll have a vegetarian entree, and a chicken one. I struggled with this one a little bit, because I am morally opposed to eating meat myself, and didn't like the thought of the chicken being served because of me.
In the end I figured that hey, a lot of those people would probably be eating meat that day anyway, and I know how it feels not to have an option at weddings, so I'll offer it. But if someone was offended because they don't like chicken and that's the only meat I have at my wedding, I think I'd be upset.
I don't think this falls into the 'it's my day' syndrome. I had a roommate who with each various epidemic that swept through would stop eating that meat or fish or vegtable or whatever. We'd share some meals and even though I thought it was crazy I knew if she was making the main course we would not be getting that food. But I don't think that's an it's all about me attitude. We also go help at a farm once in awhile and then usually have dinner with the family. They eat what they grow and a lot of time that doesn't include meat, but that's also not an 'it's all about me' attitude. While hosts should consider their guests they aren't supposed to be dictated by them. They are considering that you are hungry and so will be feeding you but it shouldn't require them going around and ask what each persons favorite meal is required to serve certain things.
As someone who has hosted a few home-made dinners and will be hosting a wedding as well, I'd be really hurt and maybe even offended if a guest were to assume the food is going to be horrible without first trying it. Maybe it's because I'm in a big city, which has a LOT of gourmet veggie restaurants and options, so even my non-vegetarian friends are cool if I chose a vegetarian-only menu. I've even had non-vegetarian friends say things like, "Wow, with veggie foods this tasty, I can see why you don't miss meat!"
In the end, no matter what food I choose to serve, I would hope that my guests know that I would not serve them something that doesn't taste good. As Mrs Spring did, I put a lot of effort and thought into the menu and I agree with her that it feels very hurtful for a guest to complain and buy a fast food burger without even giving my food choices a fair chance. If you really hate what I serve after trying it, then fine, go out and get a burger, but for heaven's sake, get a real, decent home-made burger!
What I'm trying to say is, maybe the caterer happens to be really, really good at making the most tasty veggie meals. However, you won't know that until you've tried it.
@KMSull - I told the guys that I would only do it for them if we snuck around a corner and they came outside to get them and took them into the bathroom to eat them. No smuggled meat will be making an appearance at this girl's reception and she doesn't have to know.
I think "Hostess FAIL" is really really harsh-- I know you were just trying to be funny, but ouch! So yes, I do think you're being a *little* bit crazy. (Hey, you asked! 
) I didn't read all the comments, so maybe I missed it, but do you know what the vegetable main course is? It's just one night-- I'm sure you can go without meat. How is she to know that you wouldn't like tilapia or her vegetable option?
Yeah... don't sneak food in. That's not cool. It's actually really disrespectful.
Eat before you go, at least be polite enough to try the served food, fill up on water and if you're that ravenous after the reception, go grab something to eat.
It's clear that you already have a very strong opinion on this, and I'm guessing that you brought this up for an open-minded and sincere discussion.
As someone who is hosting a completely vegetarian wedding in a few weeks, your post makes me very grateful. My guests, including some very carnivorous parents, respect my choices and beliefs, and have been nothing but positive and encouraging. I'm truly blessed to have such a positive support system.
I hope that you have the same luck with your wedding.
I think it's harsh to assume that she doesn't have a real reason for not wanting to serve meat, by the way. Reasons for being a vegetarian vary, and are very personal, but for some reason family members and people I meet for the first time have no problem telling me that they think it's ridiculous that I'm a vegetarian because I don't want to kill animals. It's gotten to the point where I only discuss it if I am directly asked. Don't count on word of mouth to be accurate.
I also wouldn't assume there isn't an ethical factor at play here, given that the bride is a vegetarian. Have you talked with her directly about why she chooses not to eat meat? Most people do have a specific reason for making that choice, since it obviously affects daily life quite a bit. She may well feel strongly enough about this that she doesn't want to serve meat---and honestly, I feel like that's well within her rights as the hostess.
Incidentally, one of the caterers at our venue said that a third of the weddings they cater are vegetarian (that would be no fish, either!) Granted, we're near San Francisco, where a) there are lots of vegetarians (and lots of good local produce), and b) costs are sky-high so vegetarian menus make a dent in that....but still. At our wedding, we will have some meat, but since we only buy sustainably-raised local meats, it will certainly be less than I'm sure some of our guests would like. But not breaking from our values is extremely important to us, so c'est la vie. They can go get burgers afterwards. :)
It's also been my experience that the vegetarian option is usually much, much better when one of the hosts is vegetarian (or at least very involved in planning that option, versus just having the caterer put it in as a backup), though---so there's hope on that front! Might turn out to be tasty.
I'm vegetarian, but offering meat choices at my wedding. However, as lilyfaith said, so many times there are not vegetarian options at weddings, and I just roll with it. It's the bride and groom's wedding and it is up to them what to serve. I can usually find something small to eat (cheese, crackers, etc), or I can always get something after. I also think that just because the groomsmen don't know why she's vegetarian, doesn't mean that she doesn't have a lot of reasons for it. Perhaps they've never asked? A lot of people don't ask me why I'm vegetarian. Anyway, as other people have said, there are a lot of amazing vegetarian options, and since you don't know what it is yet, I wouldn't discount it.
Oh I definitely only posted on this because I wanted to see what other people thought about it. Everyone I talked to (unbiased people that don't know the couple) was surprised so it's always interesting to hear other opinions and see what other people who don't eat meat are doing. Like I said before, I respect people's life choices when it comes to what you put in your body - vegetarian, vegan, kosher, sober, whatever it is. I have just never come across this at a wedding before and FI and I were under the assumption when we were designing our menu that it wasn't supposed to be just foods that we like or want to eat.
And yes, "hostess fail" was a joke. I'll retract that. I just have a hard time respecting this particular situation when I hear that the bride and her mother don't eat meat because "it makes people fat." That's not cool either, IMO.
@Kitty....I had the same opinion as yours. It I were to plan a wedding, I would want to make sure that my guests had a good time. To me that would encompass all aspects of my reception...including food.
I don't really think it's a hostess fail to not be providing meat... I don't see the big deal here. Vegetarian food is still food. It's not like anybody is going to starve and like lilyfaith said, it is a bit harsh to assume she has no ethical reasons for her choice. Maybe I'm wrong but it sounds like you don't know her really really well, so maybe you've heard wrong from others. I guess I just don't see the big deal about it, I don't think meat has to be the default for food.
It sounds like you're getting a lot of second hand info about the bride. I'd really just try to not spread second hand gossip or try and egg on the oh her wedding is ridiculous. I don't know if the girl is a twit or not but I kinda feel bad for her that she has a girl that doesn't know her making fun of her with the groomsmen. The groomsmen might dislike her and might even have good reason I just would stay out of it at least for the wedding and give her a chance.
I see both sides of the coin. I have a family member that is a vegan and I always make sure that we are able to accomodate her. I personally think as with anything, couples should be mindful of their guests, which in my opinion this couple is doing by offering the fish. Why does there have to be meat? Sometimes you get chicken and fish, or just chicken or sometimes you have hors d'eouvres or a brunch menu or just dessert. Ultimately it's up to the couple and I think that they followed the rules of etiquette by offering a universal dish and not forcing everyone to eat according to their liking.
In fairness, most weddings that offer a vegetarian option, offer some type of steamed veggies or a bland pasta. Vegetarians don't complain.
Yikes! This is a hot topic, so I'll tread lightly...
If it were me, I would go to the reception, try the food, and duck out afterwards if necessary.
Although I agree that it would be disrespectful to bring in food to someone's wedding, I also think it's disrespectful to make the food choices for a reception without considering the groom or what he might like, which seems to be the case here.
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