Post # 1
My fiance and I have been together about 4 years and happily engaged for 6 months. Let me preface this with the fact that my fiance was born in Russia, and his family has some very distinct customs and dynamics. I love the family and they are very good to me, but my FIL to be is causing a major problem. He shows up at our house whenever he feels like it, even if it’s 11 at night and I’m in bed! And when he comes in, he always feels the need to criticize-the cleanliness of the house, the way that I made dinner, the colors of the walls, etc. Recently, he was upset that I was in the shower when he got there because he was a (uninvited) guest in my house and I should be at the door to welcome him!
My fiance has talked to him hundreds of times throughout his life about boundaries, and he just refuses to listen. When I told him how upset I was, he said, “That’s the way my Dad has always been”. I love my finace very much, but I can feel that his dad’s meddling ways are going to cause a big problem in our marriage, and I want to get this sorted out before the wedding day.
Post # 3
@dana689: Have you been to the regional or interracial boards? Some bees there might have more insights, but I’ll offer what I have as well 🙂
My husband lived in Russia for a couple of years, and he says this is infact normal behavior for many people there, which makes you situation especially sticky. I was going to suggest talking to him, but it seems for FI has already done that (good for him, I think it’s importnat for each of you to handle your own families). Maybe it would help to take more drastic measures? Set boundaries about how often he’s allowed to come over, or tell him that unless he’s been invited the two of you will be unavailable for him to visit and then stick to it. Maybe it’d be super rude to just not let him in….but he’s been pretty rude too. Good luck!
Post # 4
@dana689: Well you and your FI need to stop TALKING about boundaries and move to PHYSICALLY ENFORCING said boundaries!
He knocks on the door? You don’t answer.
He has a key? Change the locks.
You can talk, talk, talk until your blue in the face, but until the boundaries are substantially enforced, you’re gonna keep on talking…