Meddling MIL

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

Unfortunately, I think this is your daughter’s problem to handle. Tell your daughter she has $X to spend, and any more you simply won’t pay for. If you get a bill for it, you’ll forward it to your daughter. If they use your credit card, you’ll tell the company it was a fraudulent transaction. You can’t control your daughter’s MIL. All you can control is YOUR participation, and any additional conflict is the couple’s to handle.

Post # 3
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’m sorry this is happening! How does your daughter feel about all of this (inviting extra people, FMIL ordering things despite the ones she told you she liked, etc). If your daughter is feeling the same as you, I would suggest having her talk to her fiance and maybe the fiance can talk to their mother about it. As the bride I was having some issues with a very pushy FMIL, and the posters here suggested I talk to my Fiance and he talk his mom. All in all it turned out as best to be expected all things considered.

I strongly encourage you to talk to your daughter. How is she feeling about all of this? It’s her wedding. I could see how she may feel like her FMIL is highjacking it.I’d start by talking her, then your next course of action may be dependent upon how that conversation goes. 

Best of luck, I hope things turn around and get better soon!

Post # 5
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

I don’t think you can bill someone for inviting guests. If you budgeted $5,000 for catering (as an example), write your daughter the $5,000 cheque. If she needs more to cover more guests, then tough noogies. She’s an adult, as is her FH. It’s in their wheelhouse to make these decisions. If they have boundary issues with FMIL, then that’s unfortunate, but you (or your husband!) trying to micromanage their relationship with their in-laws is … well, a bit meddling, if you’ll forgive me appropriating the word. You set the budget, and if they want to have a wedding outside that for whatever reason, they can pick up the tab through whatever means they choose. If FMIL isn’t budging on guestlist or cost or any of the rest, it’s not your job to browbeat her into submission.

Repeat the following phrase every time you get the urge to make it your business: not my circus, not my monkeys.

Post # 6
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Personally, I would write the check for how much you agreed to pay, hand it to your daughter and tell her she needs to figure it out. Perhaps that will be incentive to be firmer with the future MIL.

OR, because I am vindictive, I would just pull out entirely and tell the kids they can pay for their own wedding. I think that in this day and age, there is no reason for a parent to be expected to pay for their child’s wedding. If you want to contribute, then contribute, but don’t worry about having to foot a bill you did not agree to.

Post # 7
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper

Have all the guests on the list already been sent invitations? If not, I’d cut down the list myself and pay for those you can afford. If she won’t play ball after agreeing to do so, she’ll be out of luck when she doesn’t see all her people there. Oh well.

Post # 8
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It is your DDs problem, but you can help her deal with it.  She and her fiance should tell FMIL, please give a list of guests. You are allowed X many, that includes spouses, +1s.   Under no circumstances, should DIL give FMIL actual invites to address.  Keep her number low.

Post # 9
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee

MOBvsMIL:  We paid 100%, for our 2 daughters’ weddings – and they were 15 months apart. All we got from the in-laws were unwanted suggestions.

Before you issue the invitations, for the MILs extra guests, tell her you must be paid up front. I’ve heard many stories where one side or the other says they’ll pay for people, and then never does. 

My mother in law sent my daughter 2 nasty e-mails, demanding she invite estranged relatives we had no intention of inviting. She’s of the opinion that weddings are family reunions. We ignored her. Sometime it never ends…

Post # 11
Member
6030 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Write your daughter a check then step out of it. She will need to figure out her relationship with her MIL anyway. Now is a perfect time to start!

Post # 12
Member
7206 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is an ownership problem. You need to figure out who “owns” the wedding – whose name is it on the contracts, who is committing to pay for things?

If it is your daughter and her fiance, then what you do is you give them a fixed amount of money for the wedding, and after that it is their problem. (This is the option I would recommend).

If it is you, then you make the rules. You pay, but you send the invitations and you control the guest list. Don’t even deal with the MIL. Simply tell your daughter: give me a guest list and I will send the invitations. If the guest list is too long, you will need to shorten it to fit the budget.

Either way, you don’t deal with the MIL at all.

Post # 14
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

MOBvsMIL:  That sounds like a reasonable outcome. Your daughter needs to start now with negotiating boundaries re: her MIL – trust me!

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