Medical spouse… Having a hard time.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4827 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

@Ms.GoodEarth:  I can imagine that is so hard! My husband was a restaurant manager when we met and I never saw him. I know the demands of residency are literally like no other- my good friend is going through the exact same thing with her fiance (one OB anesthesiology the other radiology!!)  and it has been a very trying time BUT they do get to appreciate their time togther because it is so limited. I feel like I take my DH for granted sometimes because I see him all the time! If that helps.

Post # 5
Member
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Ms.GoodEarth:  Hugs! There’s this fitness writer whose articles I read, and he once said that being married while his wife was doing medical residency was like taking care of a disabled toddler. (His words! Not mine!) I think he just meant that it was a lot of sacrifice. There will be an end to this one day though. In a few years, but you can do it! This too shall pass.

I know it’s not exactly the same thing, but I can empathize as well. Sort of. DH and I were long distance for the better part of 5 years! From the same city though, so we lived in the same city from may-late august of those years. While we were both in school, we were both varsity athletes, both ambitious in our studies. We definitely made the most of our limited together time… So that’s something. I missed him a lot. Some days my chest just hurt thinking about it, then I’d hit the gym again. Keeping busy helped. He was out of town, so I took an 80hr/week internship at one point for example. Later, I took up cycling and one week I missed him so much that I rode 350km in one week. (That’s about 17 hours on a bike.) 

Not that it makes this any less hard. But you’ll get past it! Hugs again. 🙂

Post # 6
Member
304 posts
Helper bee

I can 100% empathize with you! I’m in the same boat. When it gets hard, I just remind myself that it will all pay off in the end. I’ve also found that hobbies really help (recently took up sewing and cycling) and I try really hard to keep myself busy. It does suck when you see friends taking awesome vacations, date nights, etc. But eventually we’ll be in the position to take way cooler vacations and go on super awesome date nights! I have to focus on the future things and remind myself that although this part of our life is very difficult, it’s a small price to pay for the future life that my extrememly hard-working and dedicated DH is securing for us. Keep your head up! It’ll all be okay…you can do anything for 3-4 years! (If he chose a specialty over 4 years then I am SO sorry!!!) 🙂 Not factoring in fellowship…I’ve heard that is 100X better! 

 

Post # 7
Member
11001 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Aww. I’m sorry. Frown

I obviously can’t relate exactly, but I can relate somewhat. I am married to a busy pastor who usually works at least part of all seven days a week. Unless he is on vacation, he works every weekend, especially Saturday nights and Sundays.  He also has a lot of evening meetings and activities. And, when he’s not working or spending time with his children (who live with us 50 percent of the time), he’s often sleeping because he is so exhausted or playing games on his computer to de-stress.

We also spent almost the entire first year of our marriage with me living and working in another state for part of each week (until my house sold and I could wrap up my job and relocate to be with him full time.)

Because of all of these factors, we never had a newlywed experience, and I eventually had to come to terms with that. It’s difficult, I know.

I hope things get better soon. Try to hang in there!

HUGS!

Post # 8
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Ms.GoodEarth:  YES!! I was there not that long ago! My fiance used to work weekends, and I worked weekdays and had class in the evenings (on weekdays). It was hard, and lasted about a year but we got through it. 🙂 Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Med student hear to chime in! The first year of residency is notoriously the hardest year and the most busy. It should taper off depending in what he is specializing in! 

Post # 10
Member
8914 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

That must be hard. Some of my best friends are doctors, and yeah, residency is TOUGH on relationships. But once you get past that, it seems pretty sweet! They work a few long days a week, make a shitload of money, and do a bunch of adventures and traveling. Hang in there, it gets better. In the meantime, hang out with your friends and keep up on your own hobbies….

Post # 11
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Ms.GoodEarth:  FI and I are BOTH residents, so I understand what you’re going through. Usually first year is the busiest,  so it should get better! What specialty is he in?

Luckily my fi and I work at the same hospital, but we do have opposing night float schedules sometimes so we pretty much dont we each other for 2 weeks at a stretch. Which sucks…I hate sleeping without him :/

Post # 12
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Ms.GoodEarth:  

i feel ya. My FI works offshore So he’s gone 3-4 weeks at a tIme. Lately, he’s been on call, so he leaves whenever they tell him. it makes it really hard to plan almost anything cause it can change in an instant. For example, two weeks ago , they called him out for 5 days, he was home for 4,(but he ended up with the flu and slept all day while I worked) got called for another  5 days, two days later they called him out again And he’s still gone we cancelled our marriage classes 5 times bc Of this . It can be frustrating and lonely, but i know he’s doing it to provide for us and our future. Yes your husband is going to be busy for the next few years,but hopefully when he is done residency, he’ll have a little more free time. 

It’ll be oKay, hang In there.. You will get used to it , even though it’ll always be kinda sucky .

Post # 14
Member
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

@Ms.GoodEarth:  well cardio is a rough specialty, but ya, you have a hellish intern year and a hard first fellowship year, but then you get to have a bit more time with the man of your dreams! My SO has a hard time with it too sometimes… The fact that even when I’m home I’m never really “off” because I study late a lot and such things… (Procrastinating micro as we speak) but if he feel anything like I do, I WANT to spend every extra second I have with him. I be the misses you as much as you miss him, and that’s gotta count for something right( I’m rationalizing) as log as he makes you a top priority when he has time, sadly that’s all he really has to give this year. But it will pay off in the long run! Best of luck to him 

Post # 15
Member
2519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Omg I feel you. My FI is a cop and when he is on second shift we can literally go days with out seeing each other and we live together( he is asleep when I leave, I am asleep when he comes home).

He also used to have monday tuesdays off and that also stunk because I work a normal 9-5, sat sunday schedule. Luckily now he has friday saturdays off but I really understand how hard it is to be on opposite schedules/never having time together 🙁

Post # 16
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@Ms.GoodEarth:  

Oh no 🙁 That’s really hard! Cardiology fellowship is tough and the job is also really demanding. 

I’m a medical student and my FI does EVERYTHING ahahaha. He does all the cooking/cleaning/laundry. I think I like fold things and put the dishes in the dishwasher… andddd that’s basically it LOL. I’m even on my RESEARCH year which for all you other med school bees = GREAT LIFE YEAR 😀 

I think he really appreciates being there for me but I know it’s hard. There was a period of time in our relationship (we weren’t living together at the time) when I was on a rotation that had one week of days then one week of nights it SUCKED because I was ALWAYS sleep deprived. I would try to see him and I would just pass out every time I went over to his place. Needless to say, he often felt like a burden because he thought I needed sleep more even though I really wanted to see him! Even to this day he says that I think some movies are “boring” because I used to sleep through them when I was going through that horrible rotation even though I think I was just exhausted!

For your hubby- I’d definitely emphasize sleep sleep sleep and also what worked for FI and I was planning one date a month. I know- it seems so lame- one date a month. But the date doesn’t even have to be complicated. For us it was like just a space of about 4 hours where we were just totally committed to talking to the other person and eating a nice meal (which was somtimes really hard to come by!!!)

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