I got into conversation with a friend earlier about an SO meeting your expectations.
I just wanted to get everyone else’s opinions. This isn’t a post to get snarky with one another or anything like that, just wanted your feel on the subject.
So the question is…
If your SO/FI doesn’t meet your expections, do you walk away or move on or is this expectation something that you think you can work on as a “couple” and overcome to stay together for love that you have for one another?? (Expectations, meaning, living up to your standards, cleaning, doing things 50/50 around the house, dressing a certain way, job decision, income…etc…)
I think it depends on the expectation in question. If I expect him to be loyal and he isn’t then I’m out the door. If it is something like helping to clean or whatever I could care less.
I think MariaW is right, it depends on the expectation. I’d be annoyed if it was something like, he forgot to take out the trash, but it’s not a dealbreaker. If he repeatedly broke promises to me, or habitually lied, that’d be grounds for me to leave.
I’m a pretty easygoing girl. I tend to go with the flow, bend with the wind, all that kind of stuff. The only thing I’d really be out the door on is if he cheated on me. Loyalty is number one in my book. If he won’t be loyal, there is no compromise.
He isn’t home a lot to do the dishes, or to dress a particular way, and so forth so I tend to not care. I appreciate it when he does do the dishes, but the cooking and cleaning is pretty much 100% on me, which is alright.
Most of these domestic issues I think can be talked through. Want your SO to do the laundry more? Set up a schedule or a compromise — you do it one week, he does it the next. Same with dishes, mopping the floor or vacuuming. If he’s dressing a way you don’t like, tell him why you don’t like it, (Hint: “it’s stupid/ugly/I just don’t like it” is not a valid answer) and propose alternatives. Job decisions should be left to the job-ee unless it involves a significant life change (Moving, major cut in pay, will be gone/travel/etc) in which case it should be a mutual discussion. If it’s, “I don’t like my job and I interviewed for a better one”, then why shouldn’t the person working the job get the whole/majority say?
I think there are certain things that are annoying, but I wouldn’t call them expectations. If someone expects their husband to take out the garbage, forget it. It all boils down to communication. If my husband is going to wear a God-awful tie, instead of telling him how ugly it is, I say he looks sexier in the other one. If he absolutely wants to wear it then fine. Pick your battles.
I would say if someone has expectations on what they want in a man then find a man that meets them before so they don’t waste their time trying to change him into someone they want him to be.
@jmaze: Is this question hypothetical, or do you actually feel like your SO isn’t pulling his weight in some areas?
I think some of the examples you mentioned can be easily fixed with a conversation. Cleaning, household chores, etc. are all things you can negotiate or compromise. It may be a bit tougher to fix the fashion thing, especially if your SO has been dressing the same since you started dating. He probably has no idea that you wish he dressed differently. Just remember that many men don’t care about fashion, but you can train them to pay more attention to their clothing. When you’re out at the mall or a store, pick him out something you’d like to see him in, and insist that he try it on. If he looks great, compliment him like there’s no tomorrow, and buy the shirt/pants/shoes/jacket/whatever for him. Do this a few times, but don’t make a huge deal about it, or he may feel offended. He’ll start to take notice.
Just keep in mind that fashion is a very personal thing, and he needs to feel comfortable in whatever he’s wearing or he won’t want to wear it, so make shopping really pleasant experience.
“I would say if someone has expectations on what they want in a man then find a man that meets them before so they don’t waste their time trying to change him into someone they want him to be.”