Post # 1
Hi bees… I am pretty new here, first post! I can’t wait to get into the planning stages!
I need some advice – how important do you think it is for your family to meet your partner before you get engaged?
Me and my bf are both 33, together two years now, have a ring and we both want to get engaged soon. We also both have small families that are not local and we are not very emotionally close with. However, I’ve met his family when they visited, and he has met my brother, but my bf has not met my mom yet. She lives 7 hours away by car. I usually go out (solo) and see her twice a year, but she hasn’t come to see me in several years. This is by choice, since she is retired, healthy, and has the means to travel, but she “prefers” not to (though she has taken other trips and vacations in this time, just not to see me). We talk on the phone maybe once every two weeks to catch up, but like I said, we aren’t really close. She knows about my bf, but not that we are talking seriously about marriage.
I guess my question is if it were you, would you go ahead and get engaged and have them meet sometime later (probably next spring)? Or do you think it is important enough to take a day off work, drive 7 hours each way for a quick one day visit, then come home and get engaged soon after? I know there is no right answer, but I’m leaning on NOT taking that hectic trip, and I just want to make sure that it doesn’t make me a horrible daughter. :/ I am not mad at her, but I do acknowledge that she has not put much effort into coming to see me for years now, and that is partly factoring into my decision. But of course I love her a lot and don’t want to make her sad.
Let me know what you think!
Post # 3
@badaboop: I think driving 14 hours in total in one day is a LOT of driving, where you would unlikely spend much time with your mom once you are there. Why not invite her to come see you since she is able, as she is not tied down with work hours/leave, so she can make a trip of it?
Or, let it wait until Spring.
Fingers crossed for your proposal; it’s about you and your SO 🙂
Post # 4
@badaboop: is there not somewhere you can go and meet halfway?
Post # 5
Usually I would say its important, but given your current relationship (or lack thereof) I dont think this is mandatory.
Post # 6
It depends on what your mom wants. My mom is kinda like that, though we see each other frequently because she lives close, but I can’t imagine she’d make the effort to travel if we lived far away. Sometimes I do things with/for her because I know it will be easier than to face a potential backlash.
But only you know your family. Some people would be appalled at the way I am with my mother and keep her at a distance, but those are people whose mothers treat them a certain way too.
Post # 7
@badaboop: I wouldn’t think it’s necessary for her to meet him.
Post # 8
There are a subset of parents who believe, for better or worse, that it is the responsibility of the children to call and visit, not the other way around. It’s a totally foreign thing to me, and I would never behave that way when it’s my turn, but is it possible that your mom was raised this way and now thinks it’s your turn?
I also know parents of friends and relatives who actually think they are imposing to visit or call their own kid. I think that’s crazy, personally, but I’ ve heard of a surprising number of families that function this way. Have you ever invited your mother to visit you or had a conversation about your wish to see her more often?
We used to live a similar distance from family and drove there for weekends and holidays all the time. I’d make the effort, myself, yes.
Post # 9
no, she is not a major factor/influence in your life so whether she meets your bf or not shouldn’t mske a difference x
Post # 10
My fiancé is not close with his mother at all. I haven’t met her, and won’t until our wedding. I don’t think it’s something I’d put too much effort into. If you had some time off and were going to take a trip to the area anyway, it’d be nice to go see her and introduce them. But to take off work and drive all that way for someone who doesn’t seem to be all that interested anyway? I wouldn’t bother.
Post # 11
thanks for all of the input! Interesting that it is pretty evenly split. We’ve decided to go ahead and visit in a few weeks. I don’t think I will regret going, but I may ultimately regret NOT going later so I’ve decided it’s worth a little hassle. I told my mom our plans to come out and she was delighted. I think it would have been fine either way but this does seem a little nicer.