Post # 1
FI’s parents are divorced, have been for 25 years. Both have been remarried.
My parents are flat-defaulting-on-the-mortgage-broke.
We are splitting the cost of the wedding three ways – bewteen me & FI, FI’s dad & step-mom & FI’s mom. My parents are hurt they can’t financial contribute, but they have scraped enough together to purchase my gown, and they’re making a dessert table, my dad is assembling our centerpeices and doing and manual labor we might need for set-up. My parents have made no special requests – only family is getting invited from that side, with no plus-ones.
We’re working on our Save The Dates and guest list currenty and both FI’s father & mother have sent over lists with several people we don’t know. I ask FI “Who is Mr & Mrs SuchAndSuch?”… “I have no idea. They’re not coming.” We haven’t brought this up to his parents yet, but we have let them know we want a smallish (110ish guests), intimate wedding. We’re both sort of skeeved that they want to invite people we’ve never heard of or met.
On the other hand, they are contributing financially. So we really aren’t sure how to handle this. My idea was to introduce an A list and a B list. Where we only invite people from the B list when people from the A list decline closer to the date.
What should we do/say? Is it weird/unusual to meet people for the first time at your wedding?
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@Mrs_Galoshes: That was our rule, no meeting people at OUR wedding! But like you said they are contributing, BUT you also told them how many people you wanted at your wedding. With your side of the family counted into the headcount, how many does that leave them?
And do you really want to be filling in A-List declines with people you don’t know? When our guests declined I sat back and counted how many pennies we were saving!!
Post # 4
About 75% of the people who were in or attended my wedding, either my husband or I did not know. We met a lot of people for the first time!
Post # 5
I would have a sit down talk and go over with each parent the names you don’t know. I will be honest, we call one of my parents friends by their nick names. Have since we were children. My parents put their name on the list, and it took me about 20 minutes to figure out who they were. Perhaps your FILs did the same thing and when you sit down, they will go “You know Steve. You remember Shark, don’t you. He was the ones who we always played the jaws theme song around.”
If your FI truly doesn’t know them, I would ask who they are, and why they want to invite them. If the answers aren’t satisfying, you can ask if they can be cut. Be very gracious about it.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t be down with this, but I’m paying for my own wedding in full, so I don’t have to be.
Because you have people contributing to yours they do get some say.. I would let them know that while you understand they’re contributing, you’re not interested in meeting a bunch of new people at your wedding. That may help them in narrowing it down to people who your FI has at least met before.
Post # 7
I absolutely will not invite anyone that FI or I do not know. If you haven’t met either of us why would you want to come celebrate our marriage?
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
IMO it’s not a big deal to have people that one or the other hasn’t met. My husband and I had been together for 12 years by the time we got married, so suffice to say we knew just about everyone on both sides. But we invited some dear family friends from both sides, who each other hadn’t met. And that was great! It meant a lot to us and to our parents to have those important people there.
However, people that NEITHER of us have ever met? Hell no. A wedding is about the two of you and your community, not your parents’ friends.
Post # 9
@lolot: Yup. These are people NEITHER of us have met. Neither one of his parents has a large family, so we sort of think they were just trying to fill seats. But FI & myself have TONS of really close friends. FI has a whole hockey team we’d love to invite…
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2014 - Carondelet House
I’m in the same boat, except we want a *really* small wedding (ideally 60 people). FI’s mom keeps insisting we invite a friend of hers, who neither of us know. We don’t want to, but his parents are paying for the majority of the wedding, so whoever she wants will probably end up with an invite eventually. I really hate the idea, but don’t want to seem ungrateful…
Post # 11
This is partly the reason we went away, just the two of us. DH had that happen at his previous wedding and wanted to avoid it this final time!
Post # 12
we had people at our wedding we didnt know and my parents contributed a lot (like over $40K). I know it may sound harsh but if you dont want them inviting people I wouldnt accept their help.
Post # 13
@gelaine22: Oh god, no one is putting up $40K to our wedding. Ain’t THAT sort of contribution. No problem with them inviting people one of us knows… but random people that have no idea who WE are? That’s a little odd to me. Just figuring out how to deal with it all diplomatically.
Post # 14
Well, we didnt have a problem with it nor with meeting people at the wedding. If it is a problem then can your FI talk to his parents? I think that may be easiest if he is just honest with them. I still would have a hard time accepting money from parents (1k, 5k, 40k, 100k, etc) and not letting them invite a few people they want. You will be so busy that day that it wont bother you!
Post # 15
I would state your case kindly and ask why they feel they need to be invited, it would be different if they weren’t contributing. We had a smaller wedding with no financial help from DH’s family, they wanted to invite an extra 15 people (we split our list 50/50), I told them that was fine but they would need to pay for the extra people. To me it wasn’t worth arguing over so I met about 10 people I didn’t know at my wedding, 5 didn’t show 🙂
Post # 16
I don’t know – personally, I feel like a wedding is a community celebration, so if it would make your parents happy to invite these friends, I would let them. Our guests were allowed a +1 even if we had never met the +1, because what we didn’t want were people feeling uncomfortable and leaving early if they didn’t know anyone else. We ended up meeting a few new people at the wedding, and I didn’t mind one bit. The fact that our guests were happy made me happy, and everyone was there to have a good time. It was the best day ever! Personally I would avoid the drama and let them invite a couple friends who you’ve never met, especially if they are contributing financially.