Post # 1
Today we went to meet with the priest that will hopefully be marrying us. We are planning to get married in a catholic church. I was very nervous for this meeting and her is why:
1. We do not atttend church regularly. I knew this priest would not recognize us and may question why we wanted to get married in church.
2. We have been together since high school (2001) and have a 9 year old son together whom we had when we were 17 and have been living together since he was born.
My heart has always been set on getting married in church; I have always been a spiritual person and was raised catholic.
The priest was very nice the whole time and down to earth but he did question why we were planning an august 2014 wedding after hearing our circumstances. I answered him honestly and said that we have a big family and wanted to include everyone on our special day (in other words it comes down to finance) He applauded us on wanting to take the next step but also went on for a while about why not get married sooner and that technically we were living in sin and marriage is not about the celebration or party it is about our union and love and Gods blessing of our family and relationship.
I felt a big lump in my throat. I started to cry.
I felt so bad and embarrassed at the same time. I felt selfish for the reasons why we were waiting. I always hated he idea of the whole “living in sin” thing and it hit close to home.
He told us that we need to talk about this to ourselves and make a decision together. he also said that he was sure we would be fine if we waited until august of 2014 he just wanted to bring all the point up with both of us.
I feel so torn. I cried the whole way home. We were so young when we had our son and it felt wrong to get married just because i was pregnant or we had a baby. I decided to wait because that is what felt right to me.
I guess I just want to know if anyone has been through anything similar. What do you think about this situation?
Post # 3
I think your reasons for waiting are valid. It sounds like he’s totally fine with it too, but was just giving you “food for thought”. Don’t let it discourage you! If you stick with your original plan you will be fine. I think wanting to have your families there to celebrate with you is a perfectly legitimate reason to wait a bit! It will all work out… Promise!
Post # 4
It’s his responsibility to make you aware of those things and he does have a point. Ultimately it’s your decision he just wants you to consider to religious aspects and the actual meaning of marriage. Our pastor wouldn’t even marry us if we lived together.
Post # 5
I’m not Catholic and know nothing about Catholic doctrine on this point, but in the bible, there is plenty of precedent for spiritual marriage. That is, being married in your hearts without the pomp and circumstance.
It seems to me that though you haven’t had the wedding, you have been living as married for a long time. I don’t think there’s anything sinful in that. You can formalize that commitment through the church, but if the commitment is already made between the two of you, I wouldn’t worry about it.
Post # 6
If you have begun to feel convicted about sleeping together and living together outside of marriage now that you’ve had a chance to discuss your situation with your priest, would you and your FI be willing to consider making some very dramatic and inconvenient changes in your circumstances to accommodate your concerns?
If getting married now is completely out of the question for you and your FI, would you be willing to stop being sexually active with each other and have your FI agree to sleep at his parents’ home (if they live in the area) or that of another close friend or family member from now until after you’re married? Obviously, because of your son, your FI would need to continue to spend a great many waking hours at your home so that he would be very present in the raising your child. However, if an option such as this were available, it may provide a viable solution to bridge the gap between now and your planned wedding date.
Post # 7
Thank you all for your input! I understand that he has to bring these points up to us and i fully appreciate that he did. The guilt that I have is more aimed at what I think others see in my situation, but all in all we did what was right for us. Sometimes I feel this sense that I am not good enough to get married in church because I did everything backwards and wrong.
I do not see us going to the extreme of changing our living circumstances which we have been accustomed to for the past 9 years but at the same time I feel bad for thinking that that is a bad idea. I also feel bad for not wanting to just get married sooner rather than later like he suggested. It’s so confusing :/
I feel so much better being able to get that all out thanks for listening
Post # 8
This really depends on the priest
Our one here told us “well, living together isnt ideal but at least youre getting married and i can see in your situation its a bit complicated.Confess before the wedding and dont sin afterwards’ which i was a bit surprised by
Our DW priest questioned why it had taken so long (2.5 years together) to get married and told us we were terrible for living together. My husband came out of confession looking like hed been hit by a train!!
Sounds like your one was quite kind, evem though he pointed out it would be better in terms of the church to do it sooner.
And of course you are good enough to get married church =) its great that yiu are getting married!
Ignore typos please my giant fingers dont like my tablets touch screen
Post # 9
I’m actually worried for my own future meetings with the priest due to my somewhat similar situation. My FI and I have been together for a little over 5.5 years and we live together. It is just the two of us (no child), but obviously living together and not living the pure life, I am in a similar situation. Our wedding is also in August of 2014.
My parents (my mom mainly, dad supports her – as he should) are very traditional catholics. So when I told my mom we were going to move in together she was very upset and sad. She basically said that we should elope and get married before moving in together. She didn’t understand why we would wait until 2014. So my own mother pretty much said the same thing that your priest said! It hurt me a lot, especially coming from my mom.
I’m finishing up grad school in May and starting a full time job in September. So right now my FI is the only one working full-time so it isn’t as easy to save tons of money for a large wedding (which we will pay for most of). So for us, it came down to finances to push the wedding to August 2014. We want to be able to save as much money as possible. And living together just makes sense for our relationship. I am a firm believer that you should live together before marriage. I will say one thing; I always wanted to share myself with one man and one man only! We may not have waited until marriage, but I waited until I knew he was the man for me. Each of us has only shared this with each other, which is still very special for us! (Unfortunately, the Catholic faith doesn’t care about that.)
With all that being said, I am a bit scared for what our priest will say when he hears about us. It makes me nervous! The FI and I even had a conversation trying to figure out what we will say; to tell the truth or to lie? We decided we would tell the truth because there is no point in hiding anything.
Sorry I don’t have advice or anything. I just wanted to share my similar story!
Post # 10
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with this! I can imagine after having a son together and living together, it would be difficult to reconcile your desire to marry in the Church. I think chastity is difficult for anyone, especially if you’ve been intimate, but I do think chastity is for everyone. There is a difference between abstinence, not having sex, and chastity, the presence of love, virtue, and desiring the greatest good for your future-husband and self. Abstinence says NO, while chastity says yes…. to love.
If you’ve been away from the Church for a while, it might be good to ask yourself why you want to get married in the Church. Your priest is right. It’s about the sacrament, not about the sentiment or a party. You might also want to use the opportunity to study the Church’s teachings on sexuality, especially Theology of the Body. Chastity is much more about not having sex, there’s understanding the whole purpose of sex, with its inseparable components of union and procreation, grounded in love and sacrifice. If you’re getting married, but planning on staying on the pill, etc. it puts you right back into sin (I’m just assuming). Obviously, having knowledge is required for it to be a mortal sin. It might be a good time to learn about Natural Family Planning.
You could take the easy way out, justify that you’re already “spiritually married” or that no one follows the Church’s teachings so it’s not a big deal, but having the joy and peace of living God’s plan for your life and being able to live the Christian life, with God’s grace, as a model for your families and son, would be an incredible blessing. Can’t say enough good things about the sacrament of confession and the Eucharist! We are all sinners and need grace. You could tihnk about it as a temporary “Josephite marriage,” the kind of marriage Mary and Joseph shared.
“Sexuality, sacrifice, and love”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOK0q4XX1YM
Beautiful words on Catholic marriage! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2fcNFHDzAE