mental health vent… long post

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4220 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Well first if all your anxieties are not a choice. I deal with social anxiety very much like you. I would never be with a man who doesn’t get that. You didn’t pitch a fit, you sat down in another room. I think he’s being totally unreasonable. I would seriously reconsider staying with him if after all this time he’s not willing to be empathetic. As scary as it is to lose someone I think it’s a lot scarier to live with a jerk.!

Post # 4
Member
980 posts
Busy bee

Shutting down what you’re saying like that and refusing to listen to you are big issues I see here. Some people are bad at seeing what others are going through, but it doesn’t sound like he has even considered that he may be in the wrong. I’m sorry it was such a tough night for you and I’m sorry he wasn’t there to help you. 

@HappySky7:  +1 he needs to get his act together right now or else I would be walking away and I’d encourage you to do the same. 

Post # 5
Member
929 posts
Busy bee

@laken.oliver:  *hug*. You said that he said you need to change because he had, so he’s had depression and gotten through it before? If he had, I’d of thought he’d be more understanding. Perhaps remind him that people take different amount of times to get through things. It’s not like flicking a switch and you can’t pretend to be someone you’re not. I’m assuming he knew all of this about you and still wanted to be with you, so remind him that you need support, not criticism. 

I also have depression and anxiety, but if I stay to my SO I’m not in the mood to partake in something, he’ll ask once if I’m sure, then ask if I want him to stay and keep me company. Unless I’m having a really low day, I tell him to go and enjoy himself and stay at home with the cats and dogs, cuddled up. I guess what I’m saying is remind your FI you need support, and that you know it’s something you need to work on, but he needs to understand that some days are going to be worse than others. He can’t push you into things because it’ll be a continuous cycle of one step forward, three steps back. 

Post # 6
Member
4220 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Dogsbody92:  yes. 

Not trying to rub it in, but if my hubs saw I was feeling overwhelmed and I needed a time out by myself his first concern would be to comfort me and make sure I’m okay, which I would think would be any caring persons first response to an anxiety problem like that. Not to make you feel worse about an already crummy situation. 

Post # 10
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I absolutely agree, you need to get help – you’re unhappy, and it’s impacting your relationships.  The thing is, he was totally right that they were’t “leaving” you.  It’s a party, there’s a normal flow to things.  You see someone, you say hi, chat for a few minutes, move on to the next person, repeat.  You’re not abandoning the first person, you’re being social!  And it’s certainly not a malicious act.  If you’re interpreting that as being left alone, that’s on you. 

I think both of you need to learn to stop taking your problems outside of your relationship and learn to talk with each other.  It does you no good to complain to a coworker about the situation,instead of talking to him about it.  He really didn’t have a choice about talking to his sisters – it’s pretty obvious when someone’s SO bails on a party, and they probably wanted to know if something was wrong, if you were ill, pissed off or something else.  However, telling them that you didn’t feel good or making some other excuse for you should have been the end of the discussion.  Telling them all the details of your situation isn’t appropriate either.

Post # 11
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@laken.oliver:  I’m guessing your FI is extroverted. He can’t understand. Nothing is more annoying than someone telling you to just change the way you are feeling. It would tick me off as well, but I don’t think it’s at all uncommon for someone who cannot relate to your issue to do that. Neither of you are going to change in this scenario. I would want a better apology as well. I imagine you feel he wasn’t on your team. I don’t think you’re going to get that apology; you have to try to forgive and forget.

I discovered awhile ago that if I didn’t want to spend the money to go somewhere, it’s best not to go. I always feel pressured by family to attend every single event, and it gets overwhelming financially. If I want a date night with SO, I can’t exactly go to the movies and out to eat every single week with my sisters. I just eventually starting turning things down and explaining I just didn’t feel like it or didn’t have the money. As long as I am going out on one of these family outings once per month, they stay happy, and I really enjoy myself and can chat on the phone to stay close the rest of the month.

Post # 12
Member
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I think both of you seeing a councelor regarding your anxienty would be so helpful. While it is much harder for you, I am sure it does affect him. Him learning ways to handle the situation when you are uncomfotble, will help you in those situations, but also help him to feel less frustrated. Maybe talking to your SIL privately and explaining that you have social anxiety that is bad right now and that is why you left would also help you feel more comfortable around her.

Post # 14
Member
3128 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Where was he for the entire evening? I suffer from social anxiety and DH is an extrovert. Whenever we go to any events as a couple he stays right by my side unless he can tell that I am okay…and then he still covertly double checks with me to make sure I am good and then comes back to check on me…frequently.

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