(Closed) Mental illness making waiting worse, feeling ugly

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I am sorry that you are going through this… but if you are truly suffering from the symptoms of those disorders, they may be influincing how you are percieving the situation right now. Perhaps you should go back and talk to your psychologist/psychiatrist and figure out a new cocktail or a different psychiatrist/psychologist that you mesh with better. Good luck and hope you feel better! 

Post # 4
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

One, you’re not crazy.

Two, this is coming from someone whose mother suffers from a very serious mental disorder, I don’t think you should have just stopped taking your medication without warning. Talk to your doctor about lowering your dosage, maybe, but completely quitting is never advisable. From reading your post, I think a lot of your fears and what you call “irrational” behavior may stem from this rapid change in dosage.

Three, I think you need to give him time to start paying off his debt first. Waiting is hard, but if you know that he wants to marry you, then it’s just a little bump in the road.

Four, you are not inferior to anyone, whether you have a mental illness or not. Do you go to therapy? If you don’t, I would highly recommend it. They can help you discern between what is irrational behavior and what is normal. Waiting and feeling anxious for a proposal is normal; losing 40 pounds because you feel like someone thinks you’re fat is not.

Fifth, you are not crazy.

Good luck, dear.

Post # 5
Member
1417 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m sorry your going threw this! HUGS!  Your NOT crazy!!! I think like the PP said you should go back to the DR and come up with some kind of meds you can take without feeling horrible

Your not crazy!!

  Your boyfriend loves you. He’s been with you for 3 years and he cares about you. You need to stop compairing your self to other couples/ married friends/ engaged friends ect. It will tear you apart, and you don’t want to be like them anyway. What fun would this world be if every one was the same!

 Stop listening to people who make you upset. Just agree with them or say things like ” We will wait as long as or as short as we want, because it is OUR relationship we are talking about” 
It’s not worth your energy or time to sit there and listen to people talk like that.

 

  Good luck!!

Post # 6
Member
1925 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I come from a family with a lot of mental illness, and I suffer from some myself.  I just want to encourage you to speak to your psychiatrist about possibly getting back on medication.  Maybe you could lower your dosage?  I think that a lot of your thinking is coming from the illness.  You are not less than anyone for any reason.  You seem like a wonderful person, and you deserve to feel like you’re a wonderful person!  Your boyfriend clearly loves you.  Please take this time to take care of yourself.  If you take care of yourself, then by the time your boyfriend does propose to you, you can be truly happy, rather than worrying about these insecurities.  Best of luck to you.  Please know that you DESERVE to be happy!

Post # 7
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Us Bees are not going to be able to help you. What you are experincing needs professional attention. I urge you to go back to your doctor and ask him to experiment with a different version or dose. If he wont, find a new doctor. Living like this is dangerous for you and others, and I hope you will reach out and get the help you need. 

Post # 8
Member
580 posts
Busy bee

Definitely ask your doctor to work with your meds a little bit more. A different dosage, maybe even a different med all together may make you feel a lot better. If you are mentally ill, you need to try to take your meds, you can’t just try to fight through it on your own.

You mentioned that you see a psychiatrist, which is good, but you may also want to look into classes or some kind of group therapy.

Hope things get better for you soon.

Post # 9
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I struggle with mental illness too (depression and anxiety).

I don’t think now is a time to try and be off your meds. Money’s tight, and you’re giong through a lot. Would it be possible to get on some medicine, maybe a different type or a smaller dose? In my experience, it’s kind of like birth control. You’ll react badly to some things, and others will work great, and it’s not likely that you’ll be lucky enough to find the right one first thing. I had to go off SSRI’s altogether because they make me nauseous when I start getting hungry, and somehow inhibit me from being full. I gained 60 lbs! Right now I’m treating my problems with Wellbutrin and nicotine (I know, I know…) and am doing basically ok.

What I hear in the post isn’t you talking, it’s the illness. It’s the same sorts of things the depression tries to tell me when I’m in its grips. Losing weight, gaining weight, dressing different, plastic surgery–none of that’s going to fix the problem. It will just change the focus. The only thing that will make it go away is medication and therapy, and it’s a long hard road at that. You should be using every tool at your disposal to fight all of this right now, and not let it use your SO’s lack of readiness as a tool to turn against yourself.

 

ETA: If that’s you in your profile pic, you are NOT ugly. You actually remind me of a sorority sister I had. She’s an actress. 😀

Post # 10
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. As someone who has lived with someone with untreated Borderline Personality Disorder most of their life (my mother) I’m extremely familiar with how it affects interpersonal relationships. I hope you will not take anything I am about to say as a criticism of you as a person at all because I understand that your mental illness is not your fault.

I think the body image issues are likely due to the borderline, this is common. Also, from what I can tell from your profile pic you are beautiful! I don’t want to minimize your feelings because I think many of your concerns about wanting to get married are reasonable. Just try to remember that BPD can cause these feelings to be magnified. I think you should talk to your therapist about your feelings. Also, I think it’s great that your venting on the boards as that may be a way to get some perspective to determine if your thoughts/ feelings are appropriate for the situation. Please don’t let mean comments get you down. Not everyone understands mental illness is not something to fault someone for.

Please Please PLEASE do not have children until you have better management of your mental illness especially the (idealization and devaluation extremes in interpersonal relationships characteristic of BPD). If you need to wait a little longer that’s ok and the greatest gift you can give to your future children. A child cannot understand that their mother’s mental illness is the cause of them devaluing them as a person for (often minor) failures or disappointments. It’s still difficulty for me even as an adult. It’s taken two years of therapy and joining a support group for family members of those with mental illness to even get to the point where I can forgive my mother for things she has done (and still does).  I’m not going to get into details on the boards but please PM not if you want to talk. I think people with BPD (or any mental illness) can be good parents but it’s important to work on YOU first.

Best of luck to you. 

Post # 11
Member
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

parents always want their daughters to get married and have kids because they want some little kids running around that can liven up their life

no way you’re old, i have lots of beautiful successful single friends in their 20s and 30s

it takes a lot of courage and will power to come off strong meds and try to battle your illness yourself and i salute you on your strength, keep it up. i would also try counselling as therapy instead of drugs so you can have someone to talk through your feelings and thoughts with.

when these thoughts get to you stop and breathe and tell yourself its not you, its an episode, separate your illness from you, let it be something that YOU have – dont let IT have you.

 

because he said he wants you to have a nice ring and a nice wedding shows that he thinks you deserve better than what some of your friends have and he wants to make sure you get what you deserve and no less.

 

i would try finding a different therapist because i don’t think you should have been on such a high dose that you couldn’t handle it

maybe try a different lower dose in combination with counseling

btw: i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety which was confirmed by several doctors ive seen and i was put on meds, i try to keep my dose as low as possible for as long as possible and eventually want to come off the meds. but because i had these episodes even from childhood on and off the doc said i might have to be on meds all my life which is a little discouraging.

but i always thought it wasnt an illness, i just thought i was shit all around and useless and ugly and stupid and horrible and nothing will ever work out for me, similar to what you’re saying.

but once i separated those feelings as just a nasty little naggy thing that lives inside my head i can cope with it better.

don’t let things overwhelm you. btw if your pic is you, you have a face that many  girls would kill to have. no matter how you feel there are always tons of people who would love to be you.

Post # 12
Member
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

plus if you were on a very high dose and went off it suddenly the most common result is all your symptoms coming back suddenly and hard, so you can write off how strongly you feel all this now.

you’re not crazy, you do have valid points, we all think those things and feel like that at some points in our lives, people are supposed to feel crappy sometimes. don’t let it make you think its the end of the world or that you’re worthless, because it looks like lots of people in your life think you’re wonderful and care about you, you have friends, a long term bf who wants to marry you, family. mental illness usually takes ability to form good relationships with people and you didn’t let it.

Post # 13
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Hi Sweetie

Reading this almost had me in tears. I am a “recovering” BPD, and I know the hell you are putting yourself through. It took me a very long time and a lot of hard work to start to heal. I, also, took myself off of meds. I went to weekly therapy for 6 years. I am 34 years old and only started improving maybe 4 years ago. There is nothing anyone can say or do to “fix” this and make you feel better. Scary as it is, it is all up to you, and it will take time.

Say your boyfriend said, “Ok, lets go get married tomorrow” You’d probably be happy and on that “high” thinking see he does love me and I am good enough….but in time would you say, “Well I must not have been good enough for a nice wedding.” I would have.

Say you had a baby now….the baby would be used to make you feel loved and needed. 16 years ago, my baby did too. Sadly, he has issues now…because of me and my illness. You don’t want that do you? No parent does. But as an untreated BPD, it will happen. Please heal yourself first. I have 3 year old twins now and the difference in my parenting is amazing. It is the way it should be.

 You are grasping at anything and everything to help make you feel better, feel worthy, feel loved. What you are talking about seems to be instant gratifications, yeah they are awesome for the moment but I promise you they will fade and you will find more fault in anything and everything you can. The only way to stop this cycle is for YOU to change how you feel about YOU.

I wish you strength and peace in your journey. I know you can do it. No one can hurt a BPD more than we hurt ourselves. How about “parenting” yourself for awhile…be gentle with yourself,,,reteach new ways of thinking and acting…love yourself….just like you would a baby. Sounds silly, but it works. Take care.

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